[Note - This is not a real episode of Star Trek Deep Space Nine but one
invented by Shlomi Fish. Being
a piece of Star Trek fan-fiction, Fish does not make a direct claim to some of
the characters and concepts presented in this story.]
[Note - This story is fictitious and the characters in it are fictional.]
[Introduction - TODO - FILL IN.]
[Title - Star Trek DS9 - “We, the Living Dead”]
[Author - Shlomi Fish]
[Date - 30-March-2007]
[Bashir, Dax and Jake are standing watching the space.]
Bashir: Ah, space.
Dax: Yep, space. Nothing but nothing all around.
Jake: Hey look at that. (A ship gets out of warp at the distance).
Bashir: Oh no.
Jake: What’s wrong?
Bashir: I can recognise this ship anywhere. It’s OTF-1 - Othello
Jake: Othello Task Force? What’s that.
Bashir: They’re mercenaries. Only they’re really good mercenaries. Really
really good mercenaries. Too good. Too good until the whole of Star Fleet
hates their guts.
Jake: Why is that?
Dax: Jake, not only do we wish all mercenaries were like them, their captain
wants us to be certain of this fact, so he keeps scheduling routine checks.
And the last thing we need is to check them. Times and again, without ever
finding anything interesting there.
+++: However, Jake, you may be interested to know that many of the fighters
there are really hot girls, who are about your age.
Jake: Heh, do they get shore leave?
Dax: Oh, yes, and some of them are wild.
Jake: OK, yeah.
[Beep sounds. Dax answers]
Dax: Yes, Captain?
Capt. Sisko’s Voice: Commander: can you and Dr. Bashir come to
conference room? Find Jake and bring him with you.
Jake: I’m here, dad.
Sisko: OK. Please come.
Bashir: Quark’s conference room? I wonder what’s there.
[ They walk and eventually arrive.]
[Quark’s conference room. Q is
there, as is a stranger middle-aged-looking
woman. All the cast is there including Quark and his brother. Jake, Dax and
Q: Greetings, commander - have a seat, make yourself at home, and meet Q2
Q2: My pleasure. I am indeed Q2.
Jake: Is there also Q3 and Q4?
Sisko: In any case - why do you want to see us?
Q: I have a question for you: as you know, I am omnipotent. Now: can I
write a computer program that determines if any other computer program
terminates or not?
Dax: The Halting
Sisko: Yes, Commander, I know. This has logically been proven to be impossible,
and the proof is very simple. So you cannot do it unless you can somehow
Q: And can I, being a Q and all?
[Silence for a moment.]
Sisko: I don’t think you can. I think it is inconceivable to think you can
change logic. In fact, I don’t think you are omnipotent. I just think you
appear omnipotent to us, because you are such an advanced life-form or even
just have a sufficiently advanced technology.
++++: In fact, for all I know you may be a humanoid.
[Q claps his hand]
Q: Captain Sisko - I’m always amazed at how stupid your race is, and how much
wrong you can be.
Jake: You mean - you can change logic?
Q: Oh, no. This time you were right. Yes, I am not omnipotent. I am only very
technologically advanced. And yes, I am a humanoid.
Sisko: I suppose you belong to the human master-race that created all other
Q: That’s right.
Sisko: So how old are you?
Q: I’ll be about 6.5 milliard Terran years next September.
Sisko: So I gather your race has conquered death.
Q: Death and most other things.
Bashir: If I may interrupt, it has always been my observation that death
is completely unnecessary, and that our society could have eliminated
it a long time ago.
Q: But you haven’t.
Sisko: May I inquire who Q2 is?
Q: Certainly. Q2?
Q2: I am in fact the oldest organism that never died. I am about 40 milliard
Dax: That’s a long time before the big bang.
Q2: Oh the “Big Bang”. We don’t call it that. The big bang was in fact an
explosion of a massive black hole. But it’s not the first time it happened and
not the last. We have some great videos of it.
[Dax and Jake are smiling and giggling]
Q2: In any case, I have eventually converted to a human form when I joined the
Sisko: Very interesting - most interesting. In any case, I’ve just been
messaged by Captain Krand
Othello Task Force that he wishes us to
inspect his ship, before he lets his crew have shore leave. And while this
fascinates me, I need to juggle some priorities as well.
Q: Actually, I suggest we meet in an hour at the holodeck, I have some
things to show you there [shows a module].
Quark: Ahmm… Mister Q, the holodecks require some payment to use.
Q: No problem, here are two bars of Gold-pressed Latinum. [gives to him]
Quark: That will do.
[ Cut to Sisko, Dax, Bashir and Jake]
Sisko: Dax, Bashir, will you go and check on OTF?
Dax: Yes, Captain.
Jake: Ah, Dad, can I join them?
Sisko: I don’t see why not, sure, go along.
[The Othello Task Force’s ship - a great hall full of busy people. They are
dressed more informally than the Star Fleet ones, with more variation. Not
all of them wear tight clothes.]
[Close up on the
administrators’ room. To the right there is a row with
three screens and three QWERTY keyboards. To the left there is a library with
a large selection of books. There are several dolls of furry animals scattered
around the room, and the room is quite disorganised.
Katie is sitting
on the close QWERTY keyboard and is typing some things.]
[Katie is a blonde girl in her early-to-mid twenties. Her face is cute. I
Joan Hart as playing her.]
[Jake and Bashir enter.]
Jake: Holy shit, this place is…
Katie: A system administrators’ room!
Bashir: Yeah, we know. We’re the Star Fleet guys. We’re going to pretend
that we inspect this place.
[Jake goes over to the shelves to look at the books.]
Katie: Be my guest. Oh! Katie Jacobson [does a salute] at your service. I’m
originally from Berkeley, California.
Jake: Berkeley? Cool, I remember San-Francisco. So what are you doing here
Katie: Oh well… I’ve been to a place that taught me a little about software,
a little about computers, and a little about how to fake that I actually
know either or both.
Bashir: Let me guess - Star Fleet Academy.
Katie: Nope - the Technion.
Jake: The… Technion…
Bashir: In Haifa?
Jake: But couldn’t you have gone to U. Cal Berkeley, instead?
Katie: I could walk there from my house, yes. But I figured out I needed
a challenge. And I wanted to learn Hebrew - ya know, the language the Old
Testament was written in, and a dialect of the language which the Terran
Alphabet was invented for, etc.
Jake: I bet you just wanted to get away from your parents.
Katie: That too. Heh.
Jake: Did you graduate?
Katie: Yeah, I did. B.Sc. in Computer Engineering. I even got a cum laude, if
it’s worth anything to you.
Bashir: So what are you doing here?
Katie: Good question. See: I got a job doing programming for a
company. It was very good, working on open-source software and all, but I just
remained in Earth all the time. So then it occurred to me: is that all there
is to life in the 25th century?
+++: So I decided that instead I’m going to join some people who travel a lot,
and utilise some of my skills for that. And one thing I can say about
this task force is that there’s almost always something interesting going
Bashir: Oh sorry, we haven’t introduced ourselves. Dr. Julian Bashir.
[Katie shakes his hand]
Jake: Jake Sisko.
[Katie looks startled.]
Katie: Jake Sisko? Oh my god, oh my god - look how this
place looks. [she starts organising the place] Just my luck!
Just when a writer is coming to visit…
Jake: Hey, that’s OK. That’s OK. I actually like this place. It’s very…
Katie: Very something yes. [She stops.]
Jake: So? You’re a fan of my works?
Katie: Are you kidding? They rock! I read almost every single one. I wish
I could write like that, but all I can write is really bad poetry and even
worse short snippets of prose that don’t go anywhere. You have a gift.
Jake: [Flattered] Thanks!
[ They stare at each other, and then look the other way.]
Bashir: So, Ms. Jacobson…
Katie: Katie, please.
Bashir: “Katie”… I suppose you know your way around technology…
Katie: Well, I couldn’t fix a computer even if my life depended on it.
They never even showed us how to change a light-bulb in the Technion. It’s
a good thing that some of the other people here are good at it and are
++++: However, I do know how to use all sorts of computers. Can you take out
your tricorder for a sec?
[Katie takes out her tricorder, and puts it beside Bashir’s tricorder. They
practically look the same]
Katie: It’s the same tricorder as the Star Fleet one, except for branding.
Now let me show you something - let’s try to put it in UNIX-mode and use it.
[She takes out the Palm-like pen, and starts writing a few commands. The
screen shows a screen of IceWM
(= a minimal desktop environment for UNIX)
with a few windows. Katie invokes a terminal,
and types the command:
$ tricorder-disp --what=“env temp”
A two-dimensional window springs up and displays the temperature of the
environment in real time]
Jake: Holy cow!
Katie: Yes, still good old UNIX.
Which we still studied in school. But I breezed through it, because I already
knew it when I came there.
Bashir: Ahmmm… Katie… would you like to accompany us on a presentation
by “Q” of the “Q Continuum”?
Katie: You mean the supposedly omni-potent alien? I suppose. Never met him.
Bashir: Actually, according to what he told us, he’s not really omnipotent,
and he’s actually a humanoid.
Katie: I figured something like that. Jake, that sounds like it’s going to be
the best first date I’ve ever had.
Jake: “First date”?
[Bashir and Jake approach Dax. Jake looks perplexed.]
Dax: Jake, are you OK? You look like you were bitten by a snake.
Jake: Jadzia, I just got hit on by a girl… who’s way out of my league!
Dax: I know the feeling.
Bashir: And the funny thing is that she seems to feel the same way about
Dax: Sounds like a match made in heaven. OK, I think we can give the OTFers
shore leave now.
Jake: Katie included… mmmmm…
[Cut to Quark’s holodeck - everyone is there.]
Q: Greetings people. I have given Quark a holodeck module for a demonstration
- nothing special about it. What you’re about to see happened in my
race’s home planet over 6 milliard years ago. We just broke up from the reign
of an empire called the “Ivrim”. They were not too good and not too bad.
As such we adopted their language, only with many errors.
Katie: Modern Hebrew?
+++: Anyway, we also had another language, universal on our continent which
we called Énglish. It was just like modern English only pronounced
phonetically. Rather hideous. This language was considered holy - everyone
knew it, but people were afraid to talk in it. It was reserved for the
“perophets”, who were people who talked with the “Bey-de-jor-eans”, who
were our gods.
Sisko: Hmmpppf indeed. What is the reason for all these coincidences?
Q: The Universe is coincidental, Captain, for some reasons which even we
don’t fully understand yet. And for the record, even we were preceded by
different races of humanoids.
Sisko: I see. Go on.
Q: In any case, there was this relatively mature man in our time called
No’ach who had three sons.
Katie: Shem, Cham and Yepheth? [in Modern Hebrew pronunciation]
Q: You guessed it. He was a quirky, paranoid fellow. At one point he sensed
a storm coming, and believed that the world was coming to an end. So he, his
wife, his sons, and all of his livestock travelled up a nearby mountain, and
waited for the storm to end. [Pictures are shown]
+++: When the storm ended, he went down to the nearby village, and saw that
while there was a lot of damage, the people there were perfectly fine. However,
he claimed that it was high time to put an end to such problems, to end
having to depend on natural whims, that our society will flourish.
+++: I was there: my name was indeed “Que” and I was considered a strange
nomad, who just happened to be around. I decided to take upon myself
the establishment of the [in Énglish] “civilisation” instead of the
many different [in Énglish] “cultures”.
+++: Now, there were many kids in the village who seemed to be amused by all
that. One thing was that they often had trouble pronouncing Shem’s name with a
“Sh” sound and instead used “S” - “Sem”. People found it annoying, but the
children couldn’t care less.
+++: Back then, writing systems were still hideously complex, and practically
no one used them. So I told the kids to come up with a good writing system.
They decided to collect 26 symbols of the signature signs of some people
in the village, and figure out a way to write using it.
Q: Eventually they invited us all to a presentation.
[The holodeck shows a long shot of an Énglishtant field. One kid is
showing the Latin alphabet]
Énglish Boy: Aa, Ba, Tsa, Da, É, Fa, Ga, Ha, I [= Ee], Ja [as in French],
Ka, La, Ma, Na, O, Pa, Qua, Ra, Sa, Ta, U, Va, Wa, Xa [= Kha], Ya, Za
[ Then he points to a sign saying
“THÉ NÉO TÉCH CONSPIRACY FOR ÉSTABLISHING THÉ SÉMITIC CULTURÉ”
Énglish Boy: Tehe ne-o-te-tse-heh konspeerasi for establishing te-he
Q: [Interrupting.] The people were mad, he mispronounced Shem’s name. He
formed a conspiracy, and he wanted to establish yet another culture.
[Back to the people]
Kids: Haqol Qara! Haqol Qara!
Q in the holodeck: The voice has called. The voice has called.
Q in the Énglishtant scene: Chaku rega! Ooooof!
[Eventually he steps on a mound saying]
Q in the Énglishtant scene: Qara Ma Sheqara, yiqreh ma sheyiqreh, haqol qoré
Q in the holodeck: What I said was ambiguous in Hebrew. Let’s say it means
“He called what he called. Whatever will happen - will happen. The voice
[In the Énglishtant scene, everybody have fallen silent. Then a small boy starts
Small boy: Q Gadol! Q Gadol! Q Gadol!
[Everyone joins him, they carry Q on their hands until an even larger hill
and puts him there.]
Q: [In Énglish] Vampires of the world - unite! These kids have invented the
Aa-Ba-Tsa, which will make writing easy. I want an Aa-Ba-Tsa for Hebrew, too.
I want something to facilitate calculations. And let’s tell the world about
it. I want it all, and I want it now!
[The crowd cheers.]
Q: [In the holodeck] Three days after this, some people invented the decimal
system. We sent delegates to other villages and countries bringing the news of
the Alphabet and all our other discoveries and decisions. Eventually, I found
the Énglish pronunciation too tedious, so I asked people to make a better one.
And someone came up with modern English.
Q: We advanced quickly. A year later we already had steam. We discovered our
planet was round, and circled the globe within 10 years. We defined a
constitution, and founded mass-production and the free market. I kept asking
for more and more challenges to accomplish. Here is what happened after 40
[The holodeck shows Q standing on the hill where he had given the speech
holding a flag. There’s a large crowd and many cameras are visible. He then
moves to the right and sticks the flag somewhere else.]
Vision Q: [In modern English] Vampires of the world - we are united! 40 years
ago I stood there [points to the top of the hill] and decided to form an
encompassing civilisation for our entire planet. Today, I can say we have been
+++: We’ve already been gradually extending our lives by large increments.
But it will be nice to find a way to remain young forever. So this is the
next Q task. And another one is to conquer the stars. So go to work!
[The crowd cheers]
Holodeck Q: We conquered the stars and spread across the galaxy. Within 400
years, we encircled the galaxy in one go using this ship [Shown a very old
and antiquated ship].
Q2: Isn’t she a beauty?
Q: At that point we were approached by the Alpha Continuum. They sent
Q2 here [Q2 blushes] to greet us.
Q2: I’ll take it from here. It took the Énglishtants 400 years from the
invention of the Alphabet till the circling of the Galaxy. 400 years for
a Carbon-based life-form was a record that was not broken ever or since. I
informed Q that the Alpha Continuum provided the Énglishtants with protection
against pre-mature deaths, and gave other services that Continuums give.
+++: Q informed me that since his race had been so successful, he has decided
to form their own Continuum - the Q Continuum. After some thinking, I told
him that I would join the Q Continuum, as an act of appreciation for them
being so competent and determined.
Sisko: So I understand that the Q Continuum is not the first Continuum to
have been span-off the Alpha Continuum.
Q: Not at all.
Sisko: I see.
+++: Q: so you’ve misled us to believe you were the most uncooperative
being in existence, while in fact projecting the greatest cooperative
project in the history of the universe?
Q: Well, for some values of “greatest”. See: I used to be a simple common
organism. But six and a half milliard years later and a lot of technological
advancement have made me much less dependent on other people’s whims.
+++: I appear rather blasé and always have been to some extent. But I still
don’t wish to die now or never. Technology can give you many things,
but we high-order Qs still find a lot of joy in a walk in the woods,
or in tasty food, or in the little joys of life. We’re still human,
Q: In any case, fast forward to the present - this happened about 20 days ago.
[The holodeck shows a very large hall crowded with millions of different
humanoids. Three gigantic strips of light on the ceiling are lighted one after
the other, from the closest to the farthest. Then the whole hall is lit.
There are Nazi flags on the wall, and a gigantic Swastika above the stage. Q
is standing there.]
[Focus on Q]
Q: [Shouting] My name is Q!! I saved you all!! You’ve had the misfortune or
folly to die, but don’t worry - you’re still alive. You will be relocated to a
different planet and a different galaxy. And you can thank me for it!
+++: Meanwhile, here’s some background music:
[They start to play the
Kobra Mix of the Black Eyed Peas’ “Hey Mama!” song]
Fergey’s Voice: Rip it, mama!
[Music starts playing.]
[Cut to the people at the holodeck - they are amused and seem like they
find it hard to believe.]
Q: Anyway, we would like to invite you, to come with us to the headquarters of
the Q Continuum.
Dax: I would be delighted.
Katie: Me too! me too!
+++: I mean: so would I! so would I!
Bashir: I’d like to come too.
Kira: Hold your horses, people! We do not know what possible dangers
lurk in the Q Continuum. If you are indeed going to go, then I and other
security officers must escort you.
Katie: Major, I think you overestimate the danger. This is Q after all. If
he wanted, we would all be dead now.
++++: He could hurl this entire space station directly into the Bajoran sun.
Q: I could do that.
Katie: He could spread our atoms evenly in the entire galaxy.
Q: I could do that too.
Katie: He could…
Sisko: That’s enough, Miss Jacobson! OK, Major, you can escort these
people. Q: would it be OK if my crew brought their phasers with them?
Q: Their phasers? Of course. They can also bring some photon torpedoes if they
wish. None of them will work, but I don’t mind them bringing them.
Quark: Speaking of technology, I’d like to tag along and film the entire trip.
I sense a huge business potential to this, and would be willing to give the
rest of you 10% of the profits.
Katie: Captain Sisko, are you coming?
Sisko: I’m afraid I’m not. I’ll stay here and keep an eye on the space station.
You kids go along.
Jake: I’d like to go too.
Sisko: Have fun, son.
Jake: Thanks. Katie, why don’t you have a phaser?
Katie: A phaser? Oh… I’m all for the right to bear arms and all, but I hate
these things. My job does not require me to carry one anyway.
Q: Anyone else would like to come with us?
Odo: I guess I’ll also join you.
Q2: OK, cool. We’ll let you kids do last minute arrangements and we’ll meet
here in 45 minutes. Meanwhile I’ll have a drink.
Q: I could use one too. Quark, how much would that be?
Quark: Two drinks would be two strips of gold-pressed Latinum.
++++: However, Mr. Q., I recall you saying you could provide me with 1 million
bars of gold-pressed Latinum.
Q: That’s nothing, Mr. Quark. I can conjure a ball made out of gold-pressed
Latinum the size of a red giant. Of course, it will quickly implode into
a nasty black hole. Nothing we can’t handle of course, but still.
[Cut to Quark - he is speechless and looks astonished.]
Q: But two strips should be enough - there you go.
[Title - The Q Continuum Headquarters]
Q: Are everyone ready?
Dax: I think so. Yes, everyone’s here.
Q2: OK - please don’t be alarmed as the surroundings changes incrementally.
It’s a trick we do to make the teleportation transition easier to fathom.
[The surroundings morph and eventually change to a well-lit large room.
There’s a large window to the left.]
Dax: So I presume that’s part of the Q Continuum headquarters? According to
this tricorder we seem to be on a completely different galaxy. A different
galaxy cluster even.
[Katie, Jake and other people approach the window]
Katie: Wow! It’s beautiful.
[View of the Q Continuum planet - there are several tall white buildings
none of which obscure the views. They are shaped like a trumpet, and there
are robots going up and down their tall parts.
There is a lot of trees and forests intermingled. There are large roads made
of very clean stone, with some alien life forms, mostly resembling mammals
walking in between them.]
Kira: [Not enthusiastically] Impressive, I say.
Worf: Quite lovely.
Dax: Well back to our business. Is there anything we’re looking here?
Q: Sure. Amanda, please come here.
[Amanda from The True Q
Episode enters through a door.]
Amanda: Greetings people.
Katie: Wait a second - she looks like…
Dax: Yes, you’re the honour student that was identified as a Q on a USS
Amanda: That is indeed the case. As you see my parents - both human - had to
return to the Q Continuum and decided to leave me on Earth (as a normal human
baby) because some of their Terran friends became attached to me.
Dax: And I suppose your parents missed you?
[1st level Q: A conscious organism.
2nd level Q: A vampire - capable of living forever.
3rd level Q: An immortal - cannot be killed.
4th level Q: Capable of teleporting within the same planet.
5th level Q: Capable of any teleportation.
6th level Q: Capable of teleporting himself and others.]
Amanda: That too, and they decided to meet me. So I was temporarily EnQed to
a very high Q level, and then decided to come here. I met my parents and
decided to start my road as a “Q” here. Right now, I’m a sixth level Q, and
trying to slowly become more confident in not abusing my powers. Great power
requires great responsibility.
Katie: Sixth level Q?
Amanda: Yep. A Q that is capable of teleporting himself and others.
Katie: I see. What’s a first-level Q?
Q2: A first level Q is any conscious organism. A second level Q is a
“vampire” - an organism that doesn’t die. A third level Q is an “immortal”
- an organism that cannot be killed.
Katie: Ah hah.
Dax: And what about that woman of the humanoid master-race (the
Énglishtants, I presume) told us about the master race dying and
Q: Oh that. That was The Symbul [pronounced “Té Symbul”]…
Katie: The Symbul, wait a second! [checks her laptop]. Hmmm… a very powerful
sorceress in the Forgotten Realms world; an omni-potent goddess in the Plarian
mythology; and the list goes on.
Dax: So she is one of your most powerful Qs?
Q: The Symbul? Hardly! She is in fact an old technophobe that after all the
milliards of years is still only a 3rd level Q, and relies on us for
transportation. She’s a bit unhappy from always being considered a
practically omni-potent being.
++++: In any case, she is considered the oldest Énglishtant (not
quite accurate, but still), and has been the “T” in our alphabet.
Displaying that message around the galaxy was her idea. But it was a
Bashir: Ah hah. By the way, Q2, I would be interested to know what was your
original life-form like?
Q2: You can certainly know. Look here [points to a screen].
[The screen shows a large number of Opossum-like creatures on a Jungle-like
surrounding, eventually going to a city.]
Bashir: An opossum?
Q2: Indeed. I still miss it in a way. Giving birth as “an opossum” is very
painless. In my human form, after the third time I gave birth, I couldn’t
take it any-more and instead used artificial pregnancies.
Bashir: Wow! I think I know what to do to implement exactly that…
Worf: That’s enough, Doctor.
Dax: Don’t be too uptight, Commander.
Bashir: That’s OK.
Q2: In any case, I’ll leave you kids for now.
Dax: Are you too busy?
Q2: No. Busy people are unproductive. We are very productive and so we’re
almost never busy. But I need some rest, and think I’m no longer needed here. Q
can always find me.
Q2: Meanwhile, you’ll probably want to meet the living dead. [she leaves
through the door].
Katie: The what?
Q: The living dead. People whom you believed to be dead, while in fact being
relocated to a different galaxy, fully living there. Is there anyone specific
you’d like to meet?
Katie: Can I go first? [enthusiastically]
Worf: Miss Jacobson…
Dax: Sure you can, Katie!
[Worf seems unamused.]
Katie: I’d like to meet the big 20th-21st century UNIX hackers. You know,
Ken Thompson, Dennis Ritchie, Linus [= Lee-nos] Torvalds, Richard Stallman,
Larry Wall - the works.
Q: That is doable. Is it OK with you people?
Dax: I suppose.
Quark: And I smell a huge business potential for a movie with them featured
Amanda: Done then, let’s go.
[The scenery gradually changes until they appear in a campus of a university
with modern buildings styled like a Mexican village.]
Jake: Yeah, looks that way!
Dax: As a matter of fact no - we’re still in the same (and different) galaxy
cluster, but on a different galaxy. This isn’t Earth.
Q: Welcome to the Planet of the Hebrews.
Jake: Planet of the Jews?
Q: I said “Hebrews” not “Jews”. These include many ancient Hebrew-speaking
people: Canaanite, Phoenician, Edomi, Amoni, Midyani, etc. And yes - Israelites
+++: It is one of the Q Continuum’s Themed Planets.
Katie: Way cool! Can I go here when I die?
Q: That can be arranged.
Amanda: OK, but let’s continue. Here - please enter: [and she opens a door]
[They enter individually into a large well-lit room. Several well-known
present-day UNIX programmers are sitting there to the front and the left
of the camera next to QWERTY keyboards and computer screens.]
Amanda: Hi all. Remember how I told you about the mission from your original
Galaxy? Then here they are.
Ken Thompson: Hi all! Welcome, we’re always happy to have some visitors.
Working on the computer all day long, or chatting about the same things with
ourselves for over 400 years gets a bit repetitive really quickly.
[Some of the missionaries laugh]
Linus Torvalds: Ken, do you always have to tell this joke?
Ken Thompson: At least it’s new material for everybody who hears it the first
time. Seriously now: we didn’t get bored here, but a nice change of scenery
is always good. We, the living dead, thrive on fresh meat.
Linus: And freshmeat-dot-net.
Katie: Heh. Man, this is so exciting. Just out of curiosity - what are you
doing here? Hacking on the code of the universe?
Larry Wall: Well, we’re still negotiating with God about that, but he’s a
tough negotiator and won’t let us near the damn thing. Security by obscurity
considerations or something like that.
+++: However, we’re working on the next best thing - the source of the
Linus: Here - check it out:
[The camera zooms to show an electrical circuit-like diagram which looks
Katie: What the hell is this?
Linus: 1,367 bits processors with a large number of 245 bits processor
Katie: But that’s not even a power of 2!
Linus: It’s not. Everything is written in Assembly. Very interesting
Assembly. Instructions range in size from 1 bit (the No-op) to several
thousands of bits.
Katie: Oh my God!
Ken: You should be thankful they are still using bits and not some other
base system. Or that they had Assembly.
Linus: Yes, it is pretty hideous. Now we’re re-implementing it using more
modern, and more sane, technologies.
Katie: Sounds like fun.
+++: So, come on, tell me about everything: about Unix, about Linux, about
the GNU project, about everything.
Quark: While I find this geek nostalgia amusing, I think we miss the point
of us being in the planet of the Hebrews. We could meet with famous Hebrews
of the past.
Katie: Right, like King David. Oh, can we please meet him?
Ken Thompson: [Clicks a few keys.] Dave, can you come here for a sec?
[The door opens and a moderately short man, looks in his thirties, appears. He
has dark red hair, and a small beard.]
David: David Ben-Yishay. At your service.
Jake: This is gonna make a wonderful story.
David: Yes, I was King David.
Katie: Did you really kill Goliath?
David: Yes, I did. It was nothing really. We Semite shepherds were masters with
the sling. I once hit a Lion at three times the distance, and frankly it
was much more agile than the fully armoured Goliath and his pathetic
Jake: Heh, nice. Are you still King here?
David: That’s a long story. See, when the first conscious Hebrew speakers
came here, we were told that this was the underworld. We thought, “Wow! What
a nice underworld!”. So we just ate, drank, played games, made love, played
music and stuff. But we got tired of that.
Jake: So what did you do?
David: We got into philosophy and science. We actually started a short time
before the Greek philosophy took off, but naturally, it then gave us a real
boost. So we established universities and started studying and inventing
David: Since we were living dead, we were not influenced by the rise of
Christianity and the middle ages, and just went on. As a result, we’re now
even more advanced than Earth is, as ironic as it is. I became a scholar too.
Jake: What did you specialise in?
David: See, we don’t have that here. Each Scholar (which is our modern term
for “philosopher”) studies various units of knowledge, and passes tests, and
gets credit. But you can study anything you want in any field. The more units
you have the more prestigious you are. I’ve contributed to my own share of
inventions: the camera, the hyper-drive, a few programming languages, other
stuff like that, and a lot of humane things.
Jake: Wow, cool.
David: Anyway, to me being king. Back when the Hebrew peoples came here, we
didn’t see a point in appointing administration. It was just “live and let
live” (well, we could no longer be killed) and “do and let do”. But as more
and more dead Jews (and some dead Christians and Muslims) arrived here,
they sort of wanted me to be king.
Katie: So you became king?
David: Well, not at first. I objected to it. I had much better things to
do than be king again. And naturally, the Edomis, the Phoenicians,
the Moabites, and the others didn’t really want me as king either. But
eventually, I was voted king and reluctantly became one. So now I’m a king.
And a scholar.
Quark: [With the camera] Wonderful, wonderful, I’m sure all those Terrans
will pay mad coin to see this. Keep going.
Bashir: Speaking of Terrans, I don’t suppose Jesus is here.
David: As a matter of fact he is. Let me summon him.
[Shortly afterwards the door opens and a tall man with black hair enters.]
Jesus: Yeho’shu’a Nazrathi. At your service.
Katie: So you’re real.
Jesus: Heh, most of what they tell about me in the New Testament was anything
but real. My followers and I were mostly possessed or Schizophrenics.
Arguably, the same thing could be said on the earlier Jewish prophets, but
we uttered mostly complete non-sense.
Jesus: In any case, regarding my death. I actually survived the cross, and
was taken care of by a kind Jew. He nursed me and restored me to sanity.
I decided to travel to Babylon where there was a prosperous Jewish community
and where they were in much better shape than Judea at the time. So I did.
+++: There I learned to read and write, studied the Torah, and became a
merchant. I died a grandfather and came here.
Jesus: The whole old gang met here, and completely laughed at some of the
non-senses we said. As it turned out Christianity actually started as a cult
of Pagan Roman Priests, who only later adopted pseudo-Jewish beliefs as a way
to battle the Jews, who met them with a lot of resistance.
+++: After Christianity took over, people here told me “Hey Josh, this is
all your fault”. So they forced me into becoming their No. 1 expert of
+++: Early Christianity was horrible. They considered pleasure the primary
evil, and greatly oppressed women. Humans were considered to be very bad, and
very evil. It took the world a lot of time to recover from it.
+++: Several Christian girls were intelligent and smart enough to see through
the many logical fallacies of Christianity and to demonstrate how irrational
and stupid it was. Even the Bishops and Archbishops were no match for them.
So the Church retorted to burning them as witches. A lot of them arrived
here as heroines.
Quark: Wow, excellent stuff. I’m going to make a fortune out of this movie.
Jake: Damn right you will. Speaking of Jesus and David, how about other famous
Jews of the past? Moses? King Solomon?
David: Ahmm… they’re not here.
Jake: You mean - they were resurrected in a different planet?
David: No, they didn’t die in the first place. They are vampires.
Jake: Wow! A vampire is…
David: Someone who doesn’t die.
Jake: So they’re still on Earth.
Q: Yes, they are. Do you want to go there now?
[They all say “yes”.]
Q: OK, let’s go.
[The scene gradually changes to a Terran valley.]
Katie: And we’re on Earth. Israel. The Yizra’el Valley, next to a Moshav.
Worf: Earth? Isn’t it a breach of security?
Q: Commander, the Q Continuum has no problem bypassing your primitive
Worf: I see.
Jake: [Looks around] Look!
[They see two men and a woman sitting next to a house on three chairs. There’s
a wide swing nearby.]
Q: We should go over there.
Shlomo: [Munching] Dvorah, it tastes differently this time.
Dvorah: Yes, I’ve been playing with the ingredients this time.
Mosheh: Yes, it does taste differently.
[The gang approaches.]
Katie: Professor Shlomo Abramovich? You’re King Solomo… Errr!
I’m not talking to you again. [Goes to sit on the Swing, aggravated.]
Shlomo: Mosheh, remember I told you about Katie?
Mosheh: Oh yeah! She looks cute when she’s angry.
Katie: Moses, right?
Mosheh: That’s right.
Katie: Well, in case you have any interest in me, I should note that I
have a policy against getting involved with people who are 4 times my senior
Mosheh: Relax! I married girls who were 40 times my junior or more
and my own descendants, and retrospectively I can tell that many of them
were more mature and rational than I was in most respects.
Katie: The latter fact does not surprise me.
Dax: I never dated someone who was 40 times my junior. That would make him
a toddler. I’m humbled.
[Mosheh, Shlomo and Dvorah chuckle, the rest of the crew smile. Jake
sits next to Katie on the swing seat.]
Worf: So Mr. Abramovich… I mean, Prof. Abramovich… I mean - Your
Shlomo: Mister, Doctor, Professor, General, Admiral, Duke, Baron, Count,
Mosheh: Fellow of the Royal Society!
Shlomo: Indeed. Nasi, Rabbi, Rav, Emir… you name it - I had it. Just call
Worf: I see. Mr. Shlomo.
Dvorah: Men, I tell you! Overachievers, and always need to travel. I stayed
most of the time here.
Jadzia: And you are?
Dvorah: I’m Dvorah.
Bashir: Dvorah the Prophet?
Dvorah: In a sense. See, I’ve been conscious since I was a little girl,
and never hallucinated voices like the Nevi’im did. I was just considered
a prophet because I was deemed so wise. I was good at settling
disputes and so decided to eventually settle here in the Yizra’el Valley
under a Date Tree.
+++: I expected to die soon, but for some reason, I didn’t.
Jake: So the story in the Bible is true?
Dvorah: Oh, that. See, the Israelites here were indeed under threat. So I
decided to assign the task of fighting the Canaanite to Baraq, a young brat who
was conscious and rebellious and gave me nothing but trouble, but that I knew
was very smart and clever. He did pretty well on the task. Then we partied.
+++: Baraq is now doing Archaeological work for the Q continuum in the Peach
Seed Galaxy. Indiana Jones style. This kid could never remain quiet for long.
Bashir: And was the song yours?
Dvorah: Song, song. Ah yes. Yes, but it was a later addition. See, a few
centuries later, some kids approached me asking for information about the
battle so they could do a play about it. I told them all about it and then
they said “That’s it?”.
+++: So we spent a day composing a song, and rehearsed it, and eventually
it was recorded in the Bible after God knows how many transformations and
rewrites. But otherwise I just stayed here.
+++: Well, I fled to Judea after the Assyrian conquest, and left with the
Judeans to Babylon. Then I returned here, and saw that my Date tree was
cut down. I eventually said “whatever” and settled near here ever since.
Q: Dvorah, BTW, is considered the Terran elder, and thus is the ambassador
of Earth in the Q continuum.
Dvorah: Yeah well, I was appointed as such because I was older than Mosheh
here, but I wasn’t really the oldest living human. In fact, there are four
women and two men who are older than me and still alive.
Katie: I don’t get it!
Mosheh: Don’t get what?
Katie: You guys, are like - vampires - you can do anything, and yet we had
so much suffering since then here on Earth. Why didn’t you stop World War II?
Shlomo: Katie… you must understand that there are many reasons for that.
Some of which are technical like the fact that it takes a vampire 300 years
to become an immortal, who cannot be killed and that even after that, he
or she can still feel pain, and is not invincible.
+++: But the more important reason is that our old age clouds our judgement
and make us feel helpless and out of time. While we are still young at heart,
we still often feel that the generation is constantly diminishing and that
we yearn for the old days, when everything was simpler.
Katie: [Frustrated] Excuses!
Jadzia: Regardless of what you could have done to prevent past problems, I
think we’d be interested in hearing your stories, seeing that you’re Moses
and all. So what really happened?
Mosheh: Sure. See, it was at the time that my brother Aharon and I led
a small tribe of Hebrew speaking nomads called the Levi’im. We ended up
being captured by the Egyptians and forced to work at mines. However, we
had a lot of communication problems. To facilitate this, I decided to teach
everybody there the Phoenician alphabet.
+++: They liked it so much that they kept passing lots of written messages
among themselves. Like a primitive form of instant messaging. Next thing
I knew, all the Levi’im gained consciousness, conspired against their
enslavers, and broke free. The Egyptians did not know what hit them.
++++: They called themselves “Bney Ha-Elohim”.
Jadzia: The sons of the Gods!
Katie: Well, actually in ancient Hebrew, “Elohim” was a high leader. What
Bney Ha-Elohim probably meant was that they were “self-leading”.
Mosheh: Indeed. I still believed that we should behave ourselves morally, and
with the help of Aharon, who acted as my spokesperson, due to the fact that
I lacked assertiveness, we wandered around the desert. We eventually found
another small tribe of Hebrew Semitic people (about 500) who called
themselves “Bney Yisra’el”. I taught them the Alphabet, gave them the Ten
Commandments, and instructed them to “invade” Canaan and convert the
Canaanites to the one true way.
++++: It was Joshua, Kalev and other leaders of the Yisra’elim who did it.
I myself followed my brother’s trail to Assyria, to see what he’s been
up to. Back in Assyria, consciousness already started to take off. People were
looking for gods, some people were still hallucinating them, there was
deceit, there was uncertainty - it was a crazy place.
++++: I sat together with Aharon, as well as Nimrod, an early discoverer of
consciousness, who “betrayed the gods” and escaped from death. We discussed
the implications of the self-leading, and what it would lead to. We decided
that the 3 of us will form a secret conspiracy, in order to further lead
the world into prosperity and peace and by following the gods.
+++: So we travelled back to Israel. The “conquest” of Joshua
was very successful, and we decided to party. However, a strange and majestic
man came to us. He said he was a leader of leaders, a king of kings, a god of
gods, and that we appeased him and said that he condemned us to roam the land
Mosheh: No, not Q himself, but one of the Qs. At the time, we felt it was
indeed a curse, because we felt our death was the natural way. But it may also
have been a blessing.
Dvorah: In any case, you can imagine my surprise when the Israelites came
here and asked me if I was willing to become an Israelite. The conversation was
very funny. I asked them what would being an Israelite entail, and why it
was important. Eventually, they decided I was too smart for them, and called
upon Joshua. He decided that I was all-right, and that he wouldn’t mind having
me here. So I stayed here as one of the Israelite’s leaders.
Mosheh: Judaism continued to evolve after what I told them. See, I gave the
Israelites the Ten Commandments, which were an early, and not a very good,
attempt at making a constitution. But they had their own regulations, and
they accumulated more as time went by. By the time the Babylonian exile ended,
the Jews had over 600 individual regulations. And this was only the start,
as Jewish scholars were obsessed with making Jewish life even harder.
Shlomo: In any case, I met Mosheh and my father shortly after my
apparent-death. In fact, I became a vampire. The Q continuum had a rule that a
vampire who survived for 300 years would become an immortal, who cannot be
killed. It does not mean one cannot feel pain, or become injured or be subdued,
but it’s still better than nothing.
+++: What happened to my father (David) was that he was once walking in the
street with a friend, when he got mugged and was stabbed to death. He claimed
that it was not fair and that he should have become an immortal, but Q would
not have it. So he ended up as a living dead over at the Planet of the Hebrews.
+++: I, on the other hand, had the fortune not to be killed in my first 300
years, and so became an immortal.
Mosheh: Indeed. The vampires and immortals still kept their conspiracy.
The leaders had a grand meeting every 40 years or so, and we communicated
using cryptic messages we sent. We had been utilising several common
fictitious themes for that. The first was the Occult, and somewhat later we
also passed many messages in what seemed to be anti-Semitic material.
Bashir: So the Protocols of the Elders of Zion were you?
Mosheh: Indeed. It was us. It was a piece of writing written by the
Illuminati originally in German, which just emulated an anti-Semitic
work, so it can be easily dismissed as such.
+++: World War II (initiated by real anti-Semites), placed a stop to us
using the anti-Semitic theme. However, by that time we were already making
use of various items of popular culture to pass our messages.
Shlomo: The funny thing was that some of our message conduits, became very
successful commercially. Moreover, many writings and other works, which were
written by people who were not interns to our culture, were often mistaken to
Katie: I still think you people suck.
Shlomo: Katie, I wish we didn’t.
Jadzia: Well, never mind that. Just something that interests me: your love
lives. As thousands-of-years-old. Gossip, please!
Jadzia: Yes, honey? [She approaches him and hugs him on the side.]
Worf: [Sighs] Never mind!
Quark: [Controlling the camera] But I agree, sex sells! I’m sure people would
love to hear about the love life of Mogless.
Quark: Yes, whatever.
Mosheh: OK! [laughs] I’ll start. Well, I told you I married girls who were 40
times my younger and my own descendants. Well, back when we invaded Canaan
women were treated as their husband’s property. Even the Hebrew word
for husband is “owner” and the one for wife is “woman” until this very day.
+++: Anyway, it took time for love to take hold after we became conscious.
Not to mention that, as opposed to Greek, Israelis often considered it a nice
optional bonus for marriage-life and not an absolute requirement.
+++: As such, I noticed that I could not… [TODO - fill in.]
Dvorah: As for me - it’s very strange. I am known as a “man-killer” among
the Terran vampires in the sense that I normally remain committed to a single
husband in my lifetime, and we raise a family, but then I get tired of him,
and he goes his own way (or dies, and getting taken care of by the Q
+++: And here’s another funny thing: I’ve lost count of the number of times
I lost and gained my period. It seems that I grow older and then suddenly
become younger again. I cannot explain it. And naturally, in my age, it’s
hard to tell my children (and descendants) the usual clichés of “When I was
+++: Moreover, some guys go to me when I look like I’m in my twenties,
saying “Hey, you look seem like a nice chick”, and they would find it
hard to believe that I’m old enough to be (and often am) their 10th
or 20th-level or more ancestor.
Dax: So what happened to all your previous husbands? And your children?
Dvorah: Heh, good question. I wish I could readily recall them all, but I can
only remember ones that are mentioned to me. Enumerating them would be futile.
Some of my husbands and children were or have become vampires - some of them
are living elsewhere, and it’s naturally hard for me to tell who were my
descendants and how, without querying the Q continuum database. I still
remember my excitement with my first grandchild, and my first great-grandchild,
but I didn’t know my 10th-level descendent was born until a long time after
+++: Naturally, I could not come to her and say “Hi! I’m your
great-times-nine grandmother.” She wouldn’t have believed me for once, though
now she does as a Q.
Dax: I see.
[They materialise back at the Q Headquarters.]
Dax: And we’re back in the Q headquarters.
Katie: Yes, we are. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take a break from this
vampire-hunt, and just relax here. I just discovered one of my favourite
professors was King Solomon, and that there was a really big conspiracy
of really ancient people all along history.
Kira: Q, is it OK with you?
Q: Sure, I’ve got all the time you want.
Kira: OK, done then. We’ll take a break.
[There’s a cat lying on a table there content. He’s half-white and half-grey.]
Katie: Oh, look! A cat. [She approaches the cat and starts petting it.]
[The cat purrs and then says]
George the Cat: Oh, yeah!
Katie: [Startled] Bleh, you’re a talking cat.
George: Yes, but why did you stop?
Katie: I’m not used to cats talking to me.
George: Ah, well, yes, it takes some pre-vampires time to get used to that
Katie: I suppose you’re older than me.
George: Most probably. I’m about 5 milliard years old.
Katie: Bleh!! You’re older than my planet!
George: I guess, but I’m not older than Q. However, I’m still more mature than
him, I think.
+++: My race is 10 milliard years old, and we’re older than the Q Continuum.
I’m George, by the way.
Jake: So which Continuum did you originally belong to?
George: Oh! That’s what you Terrans would call the Pythagoras Continuum. It’s
even smaller than the Q Continuum. My wife and I got a little bored there so
we joined the Q Continuum a long while ago.
George: Yes, Wife.
Katie: I didn’t know Cats mated for life.
George: Neither do humans, but that’s still not a good reason to not get
Katie: I suppose your race was originally Terran-like cats who evolved into
Katie: Are you people able to convert a Terran cat into a super-intelligent
George: Not just us. [Beep] Pleena, can you come here for a sec.
[The door opens and Pleena (a humanoid that resembles a Founder) and Mantoleer,
a Jemhadar soldier, enter.
Worf is slightly alarmed.]
Pleena: [to Worf] That’s OK - we’re Qs.
George: Pleena, Mantoleer, this Terran…
George: …Katie, here asks if you can convert a normal Terran cat into
a super-intelligent one, like me.
Mantoleer: A super-intelligent cat? That’s it? Challenge us! Maybe you’d like
a super-intelligent virus?
Jake: Are super-intelligent viruses possible?
Pleena: Not without ultra-nano-technology, but it would still be a challenge.
+++: A super-intelligent cat can be generated by using a 10-line script,
that will take us a few minutes to write.
George: Now, if you please, please continue with your cat affection. [He
jumps into her hands.]
Katie: I would think a super-intelligent, ancient cat like you would transcend
human affection [she pets him behind the ears.]
George: Hey, I may be ancient, but I’m still not blasé!
Katie: That’s good, I suppose.
Jake: Ah, Katie? Would you and George like to go outside?
Katie: Yes, I’d like that.
[Katie, Jake, Pleena and Mantoleer go out.]
Odo: I’ll join you.
Kira: Katie, are you all-right?
Katie: Sure: I’ve made new friends, who seem to be Bio-Tech geniuses; I’m
holding a 5 Giga-Years-old-cat in my hands; and I’m still on my first date
with Jake. Life can’t get much better than this!
[And they go out]
Katie: Jake, what are you doing?
Jake: Working on a story.
Katie: A story, we’re walking outside in the Q headquarters with an ancient
cat, a former Dominion Soldier and a former Founder, and you’re working on
Katie: Geek! [She smiles.]
Jake: Heh, looks who’s talking. [He pets George the Cat , who is still held by
+++: Oh drat! I made a mistake. Let me correct it. I
recall the time that Nog fixed some of my errors, and I found that
Katie: So why hadn’t you restored a previous version of the document?
Jake: A previous version? What do you mean?
Katie: Let me show you.
+++: George, will you excuse me?
[George hops out of Katie’s hand, and Jake hands her the laptop. They
Katie: These things had version control built-in for centuries. [A listing of
the edits is displayed on screen.] See: you can revert to a previous change,
see the difference between two revisions, and see where everything changed at
any given time. [Various on-screen simulations]. Didn’t you know that?
Jake: [Amazed] Wow! No, I didn’t.
[He takes the notebook.]
Jake: Where have you been all my life?
Katie: Not close enough to you, I guess.
[Beep sounds - Pleena got an incoming call]
Pleena: What? Oh, OK, you want to see them? Sure, let’s go.
+++: [To the others] There’s someone who wants to see you. Why don’t we meet
him and get a drink?
Odo: OK, let’s go.
[They enter a well-lit Café with many places to sit. There’s a machine looking
like a replicator nearby.]
Jake: Yeah, I’m thirsty. [Goes to the replicator]
+++: [To the replicator] Orange juice.
[A cup of Orange Juice materialises.]
Katie: Pink lemonade. [Ditto]
[They drink. The other people order.]
Katie: Emmm… this tastes delicious. It’s like real lemonade. Much better
than a replicator.
Jake: Yeah, it’s really good.
Pleena: Well, technically these are real juices. This replicator is based on
a transporter’s principle. We take an actual cup of juice, store it, and
duplicate it precisely.
Odo: But isn’t it kinda wasteful?
Pleena: Possibly, but the Q Continuum can afford this waste in its current
Mantoleer: The funny thing is that some Qs insist on growing their own
food claiming it tastes better or because they enjoy it. I admit sometimes
the dinners they give with this food are exceptionally delicious, but it
may be a psychological effect.
Katie: Heh. [sips on her drink]
[Someone enters. He looks in his 50s and wears a cotton sweater with the words
“Q GADOL” embroidered on it.]
Q Gadol: Hi!
Pleena: Hello, Q Gadol. Meet Katie, Jake, Odo, and you already know George and
Katie: Q Gadol? “Q is big?”, “Q the big?”, reminds me of what that child said
Q Gadol: Yes, I was the child, hence my name.
Jake: But you look older than Q, and Q is older.
Q Gadol: By 30 years or so, yes. Anyway, I feel a bit more mature so I’ve made
a choice to look older.
Jake: So can one or cannot one judge a book by its cover?
Q Gadol: Depends how well your book cover intuition is.
+++: I’m glad to finally meet you, Jake. I’ve been a fan of your stories
Katie: Don’t they rock?! I wish I could write like that. [She kisses Jake on
Jake: [Jake seems content and smiles stupidly.] Katie, have you tried starting
from telling about your real-life? I’m sure there are a lot of stuff that
have been happening to you on the OTF-1.
Katie: Well, I may have lied when I said that it was so exciting. Most of the
time, they just hire us to protect shipments, or patrol some operation, and
nothing ever happens. But we’re still needed in case something does. And being
a system administrator-slash-programmer who’s not even a fighter is not
exactly exciting either.
Q Gadol: Yes, but I’m sure you’ll have plenty to write about. Maybe stories
from your childhood, or from college.
Katie: Maybe… But enough about boring ol’ twenty-something-old…
Jake: And looking much younger…
Katie: [Amused.] OK, like I said let’s hear it from the ancient one.
Q Gadol: Well, I don’t suppose my whereabouts a milliard years ago would
be of much interest or relevancy for today. But I can tell you of my
adventures as a German scholar on Earth.
Katie: German? You?! What prompted you to become German?
Q Gadol: Oh, just a weird fascination with the language and culture. The
Germans are a pretty good lot. I met all the great German-speaking physicists
and mathematicians and Bible researchers and what not. Back before World War
II, German universities were the best in the world, and I enjoyed this fact.
Jake: World war II…
Q Gadol: Yes, what devastated Germany for many years.
Katie: But Germany was hardly affected by it.
Q Gadol: Not true. See, Hitler hated his own people just as much as he
hated Jews or whoever he projected as the enemy-du-jour for people to be
willing to commit their inhuman (if that’s the word) acts.
+++: See, the Third Law of Motion applies to human actions too: every action
either benefits you and society at large, or it harms both of you. Hitler was
not a bad person at first - maybe he was a little anti-Semitic, but that’s not
enough to make you bad.
Katie: Reportedly all the greatest gentiles were antisemites [Giggles].
Q Gadol: Well, not all, but it’s been a trend. Anyway, evil is an addiction,
and Hitler became addicted to it. And like Pharaoh in the book of Exodus he
wouldn’t give up even if it was too late. He ended up dead in his bunker.
Q Gadol: We humanoids, or [looking at George] super-intelligent cats, or
whatever, must fight Evil from within and without. We can never be completely
benevolent. But like being honest, or being objective, or many other good
traits, we must always strive to make the deviations as isolated as possible
and to learn from our mistakes. Because when giving in to lying, dishonesty,
subjectivity or mysticism, lies the road to disaster.
[Katie is in tears. Cut.]
[Cut to the room in the Q Headquarters. Kira is there looking bored.]
[The door opens. Kai Blanché - a Bajoran, looking in his 50s enters,
wearing traditional Vadek clothes.]
Kira: [Looking] Hello!
Kai Blanché: Hi! You must be Narris Kira. I am Alesodro Blanché. I’m a great
fan of yours.
Kira: Alesodro Blanché? Kai Blanché? One of the first Kais? But you’ve been
Kai Blanché: Millenia, yes. Well, I didn’t actually die. In fact I’ve
become a vampire.
Kira: A vampire? A Bajoran vampire?
Kai Blanché: Indeed.
Kira: And you’re a fan of me? How is it possible? You’re still considered
one of our best Kais. And a genius. And…
Kai Blanché: Well, everyone gets to pick his heroes.
Quark: If I may interrupt this discussion, I’d like to film it. An old
Bajoran Kai is always good for business.
Kira: Quark, but the Bajorans are poor!
Quark: True, but the industry around the Bajoran prophecies is making
millions. People bet on it like crazy on Ferenginar and other planets.
Kira: And might I add that Bajor sees very little of all this money.
Quark: It’s not my fault that you don’t seem to care enough for making a
profit out of this. In any case, let the camera roll.
+++: Go on, don’t mind me.
Kai Blanché: Fine by me. I’m sick of being presumed dead and could use some
Bashir: [Joins] Sorry for being so ignorant, but what are you so famous
Kai Blanché: Well, following a few prophecies and some interpretations of
them, I began to investigate games. My collaborators and I started to analyse
them mathematically and create as many different variants of games, puzzles,
riddles and other diversions as we could think of. I grew a substantial
cult (well sort-of) collectively known as “Vadek Blanché” that worked on it,
and we started developing what is now known as “Computer Science” - algorithms,
proofs of correctness, Turing models, etc.
Bashir: Wow, did you have computers at the time?
Kai Blanché: We didn’t really as a matter of fact. Our enthusiasm actually
prompted the Bajorans to investigate ways to realise these things. By the time
my first cadence was terminated, we already had electronic computers.
+++: I must say I was not never very enthusiastic about the cult surrounding
me and how I got most of the credit. After my ascension to a vampire, I got
so tired of Maths and Computer Science that I spent my next life as a simple
farmer. Nowadays, I mostly travel around our original Galaxy and other
galaxies as I see fit as a Q.
Bashir: Interesting. By the way, isn’t Blanché a French name?
Kai Blanché: Indeed, I adopted this name after the name that the prophets
told to be of one our Gods, who turned out to be a Terran.
Bashir: [Amusingly] Gods!
Kira: Well, the Bajoran religion is unusual in that our supreme beings
are the Prophets, who in turn assign “Gods”, who are lesser and not
omnipotent. As such Bajor has become known as “The Stock Exchange of the Gods”.
+++: We sometimes prefer calling these entities “Profiles”.
Kai Blanché: Indeed. I should note that after communicating with the Prophets
enough (we Qs don’t need the proximity to the wormhole, or the orbs) it’s
become more of a hobby and an obsession than a faith to me. I kinda started
to think of the prophets as my friends.
Bashir: What about The Emissary?
Kai Blanché: Oh he’s a god all-right, one of our most important ones, but by
no means the only one. Our most famous profile was The Invisible. See, we
believed we would never know who he was. But we did here.
Kira: Really, who?
Kai Blanché: [Laughs] I’ll give you one guess.
[Kira, Bashir and Dax think for a while; meanwhile Q smiles a big, stupid,
smile; then they look in Q’s direction.]
Kira: is it Q?
Q: I’m indeed The Invisible and proud of it. It’s so flattering being
the most famous Bajoran God. And I feel like I deserve it.
Kira: And I’m glad to see it didn’t go to your head.
Quark: This is great stuff.
Kai Blanché: Naturally there’s a huge problem unifying profiles as time
progresses. At ancient times we had very pictorial names such as
“The One who stands at the top of the Tower” or “The Wandering Son of
the Lion”. As Bajoran mentality advanced, they became “The Front-End”
and “The Wandering Jew”.
Bashir: Heh, cool. But really, what is the Invisible famous for?
Kai Blanché: For example, he is the one who suggested Artaxerxes to bring
Vashti to the guests.
Bashir: Seriously? How come he interfered so much with the Earth’s population?
Doesn’t the Q continuum know better than that.
Amanda: See Doctor, the Q Continuum doesn’t have the Federation’s
constitutional disapproval of interfering with less advanced
Bashir: Interesting. I suppose the Federation would appear primitive to
the Q Continuum too.
Q: Quite so, Doctor.
Amanda: Yes, and well, Q is a force of nature. He tends to perform some very
unorthodox actions that even most Qs tend not to do, and yet they seem to
turn out for the best in the end. No one knows how it works, but it does.
[Cut to Q Gadol, Katie, Jake, Odo, etc.]
Jake: I’m curious what happened to the original Nazi leaders.
Q Gadol: Ah that. Well, most of the Nazi big wigs ended up dead or persecuted
to death after the Nuremberg Trials, so Q waited until they were all there.
He then got me to lecture to them and determine their collective fate.
+++: I told them, in German: “You may have considered yourself an empire. But
you were the empire of evil. And evil is nothing but laziness, irrationality,
and self-destruction.” Then I gave them some more lecturing about the action
and reaction law of human relations, and their self-created realities, and how
they were misleading themselves and became addicted to mysticism and all of
its bad manifestations.
+++: Finally, I told Q to displace them to a Galaxy with relatively hostile
conditions, in order to punish them.
Katie: So you didn’t kill them?
Q Gadol: As a matter of fact, no. It is a policy of the Q Continuum and similar
continuums to never kill any conscious individual.
Katie: So what happened to them?
Q Gadol: They established the so-called “Empire of Evil”. And they are an
Empire. They now control 14 home star systems. It was actually a useful
shake to that Galaxy.
Katie: And are they evil?
Q Gadol: Nah, not at all. It’s just part of their image.
Katie: Huh, these days you find it harder to tell evil from non-evil.
Q Gadol: Well, a good rule of a thumb is that evil corpora don’t admit
they are evil, so if someone says he is, then he isn’t.
George: For instance, I’m an evil cat.
[Katie pats him affectionately. George purrs.]
Odo: Speaking of evil, by the way, may I be prudent enough to ask what the
Q Continuum knows of the origin of the changelings and the founders?
Pleena: Sure. See, the technology of the self-changing lifeforms was actually
artificially created, and not by the founders. It was an Iconian innovation
developed by some of their best biologists, who left remnants of it on the
changelings’ home planet.
Jake: Why did they abandon it?
Pleena: Well, they realised it was an unnatural and inconvenient life-form
that left the mind in a crazy state, longing for being a “solid”.
Odo: I can attest it. I am much happier now as a solid than I was as a liquid.
As a liquid, I wasn’t aware of all the great things I’ve missed.
Pleena: Indeed. In any case, many years later, a group of humanoid biologists
from nearby planets investigated the technology and were able to apply it to
themselves. They were so happy that they could change their form that they
ended up as changelings, and ended up as this race with their origins lost
+++: From there to establishing the dominion was a short step.
Jake: By the way, what happened to the Iconians?
Pleena: Oh? Nothing really - they ascended into the Q Continuum. They left
their gateways scattered around the galaxy, in hope that the future races will
be able to visit other races and learn about them. However, with the
contemporary climate of our galaxy, most of them were destroyed out of being
considered security breaches.
Katie: One can think it was naïve of them.
Pleena: Well, some people would rather err on naïvety than on cynicism.
[Cut to the room with Q, Blanché, Jadzia, Kira, etc.
A woman who looks in her thirties enters - Avigayil.]
Avigayil: Hi, Q, dear, I think you’d like to take a look at that. [She hands
him a tablet]
Avigayil: Oh, sorry for not introducing myself. I’m Avigayil, a good friend
of Q. And his former wife.
Jadzia: [Surprised.] You were married to Q?
Avigayil: Yes, and also mothered two of his children. Story of my life.
Jadzia: Wow! Q, “The Invisible” has children?
Kira: Well, duh! The prophets spoke of several of The Invisible’s children and
Jadzia: Major, you and I will need to talk someday about that “duh”.
[Kira bursts into laughter.]
Jadzia: Well, now that I’ve realised that nothing in this universe is holy…
Worf: Commander Dax, I explicitly prohibit you from asking about Mr. Q’s
roles as a husband and a father.
Jadzia: You are right, Commander. I’ve realised something: throughout this
whole trip through the wonders of the Q’s continuum I’ve been far too selfish
and only thought about myself. I should have thought about you, too.
[She turns towards Avigayil]
Jadzia: Avigayil, could you, by any chance, allow us to meet Kahless the
Unforgettable in his living dead self? I’m sure Commander Worf here would love
to meet him.
Worf: Actually, Commander, I don’t think…
Jadzia: [Interrupting him] Oh, you don’t? That’s a shame. Well, I’ll go to
meet him alone (always wanted to, you know). Worf, I think Kahless will be
disappointed to not meet you, but I’ll tell him you’re a big fan of his, and
I’ll let you watch the video of me meeting him and…
Worf: [Sighs] Commander Dax, you are impossible.
+++: Fine, let’s go meet Kahless if that’s humanly possible.
Avigayil: Sounds good. The whole mission from Deep Space Nine can go with you,
I’ll notify Kahless. He’s a big fan of a lot of you.
Amanda: OK, let’s summon Katie and her gang of no-goodnicks too. She wouldn’t
want to miss it.
Quark: Yes, and it’s high time we merged the two sub-plots in the future
movie. “Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. But only for your customers”.
Rule of acquisition No. 172.
Katie: OK, we’re here. Kahless the Unforgettable - ready or not - here we come!
Avigayil: Sure thing, here we go.
[The Scene gradually changes to a large hall where Kahless is standing.]
Kahless: Worf! [he laughs] We meet again, finally. Reaches to hug him.
[Worf hugs him while smiling in a fake manner.]
Worf: So you did appear during my vision.
Kahless: In a way. See: I kept an eye on you for a while when you were younger,
and when I asked the Q Continuum for a favour to appear in your vision at
when the time was right. So I appeared there in my living dead form with
help from one of the Q’s here.
Worf: So you are still alive flesh and blood.
Kahless: Indeed. Alive and kicking.
Dax: Mr. Kahless, I’ve heard so much about you and I’m a big fan. Did
everything that they said about your competency as a warrior is true?
Kahless: Hardly. See, my image was greatly exaggerated after my death. As
good a fighter as I had been, I lost some exercise battles even at my prime,
and could never successfully physically fight against entire armies of
capable fighters. No one could.
Kahless: Indeed. Some time after my death, the noble Klingon fighting tradition
has somewhat deteriorated into only considering Batelath fight or similar combat
using weapons. But I possessed a far different and far more effective weapon -
my words and deeds.
+++: you see: I was able to convince people; to compromise with them; even
to become convinced. And we would spare the bloodshed, and would both win.
+++: the Living Dead Klingons have little use for hurting ourselves physically,
and instead we worked on advancing our technology, and reaching the other
themed planets of the Q continuum in this galaxy. So for example, we made
contact with the Planet of the Hebrews, the Planet of the Celts, and
the Planet of the Greeks - all have some very awe-inspiring fighters.
Worf: hmm… this is one aspect of fighting that has eluded most modern day
Klingons, and I’m sure they’ll appreciate me bringing this message from you.
Quark: [While busy panning the camera] You can count on that.
Worf: That put aside, I was wondering… if… we…
Kahless: …Could fight?
Worf: Ahmmm… yes.
Kahless: [Laughs] Of course, I never object to a good fight, especially not
when death is out of the question - which is the case now for me as a living
[Avigayil snaps her fingers, and two Batelaths appear next to Worf and to
Avigayil: These Batelaths are according to your preferences.
[Kahless and Worf pick them up and hold them, and they start fighting. The
battle is fierce, but eventually Worf causes Kahless’ Batelath to drop off
his hands, pins Kahless, and looks angry.
Kahless: I was the best fighter of my time, but Batelath fighting has
progressed by leaps and bounds since my time, and you are simply a better
+++: Oh! And I’m a little out of shape. We don’t get a lot of motivation to
fight using a Batelath here. We have much more worthy forms of fighting to
do, as I have said.
[Worf grins, laughs, drops his Batelath, helps Kahless get up, and they hug.]
[Jadzia is walking towards Quark’s bar and sees Quark standing next to a
terminal and mumbling.]
Dax: Hi Quark! Why are you so happy?
Quark: Remember the film I took? Rom helped me edit it, and I’ve been
distributing and selling it online. I have made a fortune.
[Camera zooms to reveal Brunt in the background.]
Brunt: Brunt, FCA.
Quark: [Sighs.] I made a fortune.
Dax: You had made a fortune.
[Dax enters the DS9 Captain’s office.]
Dax: Captain, it seems Quark has been distributing the movie from our trip.
Sisko: Tell me about it. Sub-space is abuzz with it, and Star Fleet HQ
won’t give me a rest. I’m going to kill that Ferengi.
Dax: I suppose that’s what Q wanted all along.
Q: Hello all.
Dax: Talk about the devil.
+++: I was saying that you wanted all this publicity that Quark did.
Q: Don’t know. But it’s not too bad.
Sisko: Q, do you have any other surprises up your sleeve?
Q: As a matter of fact, I do. Let’s go to the bridge, please.
[On the DS9 Bridge. Q, Sisko and Dax enter. Katie, Jake and Amanda are already
Officer: Captain, there’s a new star system a few thousands of lightyears
away, and its sun has an irregular shape.
Sisko: What? Show it on the screen.
[ The Screen shows a yellow star shaped like the capital letter “Q”
(in Sans-Serif) and some planets.]
Sisko: I don’t believe it.
Q: Captain - that is the Q star system.
Sisko: I don’t suppose I should travel there on the Defiant.
Q: Not now. Allow me to teleport us.
[They all appear in a nice garden. The shadows are generated from the “Q”
Katie: Wow! Awesome shadows!
Sisko: What is the purpose of this planet?
Q: It will be a communication channel between your quadrant and the Q
Continuum. For example, this is the Q museum.
[ They appear at the entrance to the museum. Shows a lever with the writing
“Cool Java Hackeh Et Hamumheh”]
Q: Anything beyond “Cool Java Hack” is not recommended for pregnant women.
Katie: Ooh! Can I try?
Sisko: Not now. Are you also recruiting other Qs?
Q: Sure. We can always use more people. We could use all the help we can get.
Amanda: Indeed, you can get yourself enQed here.
Sisko: Yes. OK, I’ll brief Star Fleet about it. Now I’d like to return to
DS9 if you may.
Katie: Ahmm… I’d like to stay here. There’s something I want to do.
Sisko: Sure, Miss Jacobson.
Q: One teleportation up.
[Dvorah is walking down DS9 towards Quark’s Bar. She approaches Quark.]
Quark: Dvorah? Wow! What are you doing here?
Dvorah: Your movie has made me a star, and people are dying to hear my
stories. So I thought I’ll do Deep-Space-Nine for a while.
Quark: You mean… give a talk?
Dvorah: Yeah. I’d like to use your conference room.
Quark: Ahhmm… the problem is that…
[Dvorah reaches above the counter and gently caresses Quark’s ear.]
Dvorah: I’ll give you 30 percent of the profits.
Quark: [Aroused] 50 percent!
[She shakes hands with Quark.]
Dvorah: As a vampirella, I don’t know what I’ll do with all the money, but
it may prove useful.
Quark: Rule of Acquisition No. 89 - “Ask not what your profits can do for you
- ask what you can do for your profits.”.
Dvorah: Words of wisdom.
+++: Now, how much do you think I should charge per-seat?
Quark: How much we should charge per-seat.
[Katie is sitting on a table in DS9. She is busy writing something on a
qwerty-like keyboard attached to a small text pad. Jake approaches her.]
Jake: Katie, oh there you are. I thought that OTF-1 left DS9 already.
Katie: Yes, it did, I’m still technically working for them.
Jake: Really, how?
Katie: With the marvels of technology: remote access and Q-ness.
Katie: Yes, check this out.
[Katie stands up, makes a gesture with her hand. A portal appears near the
ground showing a different part of DS9. She steps into it, and the portal
closes. A few moments later, a normal Star-Trek door opens and Katie steps
out of it.]
Jake: Wow! So you are now “Qatie” with a Q?
Katie: Qatie [with a Qoph
sound] heh, I like it.
+++: Seriously now, the only thing I can do as a minor Q is relocate myself
to different places in the galaxy. I’m not nearly as powerful as Q is.
Jake: That’s still pretty cool. However, I’m in no rush to get EnQed - I like
Katie: And I like being here with you.
[They both smile.]
Jake: So what are you so busy writing?
Katie: A story, actually, based on something that happened to us on Othello
Task Force. I took your advice and am writing about real events.
Jake: Can I read it?
Katie: Sure. [She hands him her text pad]
Jake: Hmm… [reads out loud] “It is commonly believed that computer workers
cannot read other people’s feelings well. It’s hard for me to tell if
it’s true, based on the limited data that I have, but it’s not the case for
me. I can usually tell exactly what other people feel, including what many
non-Terrans I met did. I don’t always behave in the right way in accordance
to what they project due to my general rashness, but I still can.”
+++: “Therefore you can imagine how I felt when Joanna…”. Wow this is really
good. Are you sure you’re not good at it?
Katie: [Blushing] Heh, don’t know - I guess it’s not too bad. Have you been
working on a new story?
Jake: Yes. Also a true story - based on our Qish trip. Don’t know how many
people will read it after they watch Quark’s movie.
Katie: Awesome. Where can I read it?
[Sisko is sitting in his headquarters, watching Quark’s movie and laughing
. The bell rings.]
Sisko: Come in.
[Q in a Star Fleet uniform enters]
Sisko: Hello, Q.
Q: Hello, Captain.
Sisko: Well, I’ve been watching the movie that Quark made. It’s very funny,
and it seems incredibly far-fetched. Either I should admire your competence as
that person who kickstarted the Q Continuum or alternatively think that you
are capable of deceiving all of my crew members using sophisticated means.
Q: Which option do you like better?
Sisko: The first, I guess. There are many great men of this galaxy’s past
and good men of my past that I’d like to meet.
Q: Well, you can now.
Sisko: Assuming I trust you.
Q: Well, you cannot really.
[Sisko goes to look at space.]
Sisko: Tell me, Q, what was your secret sauce? How did the Q Continuum become
as powerful as it is?
Q: It’s very simple, Captain. See, I was the first great man to realise that
not only should I be unstoppable, not only should not allow myself to be put
down, but that others are expected to become the same. The other Qs and the
other Énglishtants, emulated me, and competed with me, and were not really
ruled by me.
+++: You may recall The Symbul. She still lives in our home planet surrounded
by fields of crops and many volunteers who come to learn from her. She
distrusts most of our modern technology, and there are many jokes about her,
and by her about herself. Yet, she is one of our most influential leaders,
because she too is a Q.
+++: Being a Q is not something that is beyond your reach as a civilisation,
Captain. You too can become a Q and so can everyone you encounter. The only
thing you will gain from visiting the Q star system, is some insights into
what past Qs have already achieved, and some of our higher superpowers.
Sisko: So you mean the holy grail was right at our reach all the time? That
it was inside us?
Q: Indeed. Your civilisation can also ascend into being Qs. Even without the
Q continuum’s help.
Sisko: Thank you.
[They shake hands.]
Q: I’ll leave you now. I’d like to make it to Dvorah’s talk at Quark’s, should
be quite interesting.
Sisko: Have fun.
Q: Farewell, Captain.
Sisko: Farewell, Q, and thanks for everything.
Q: You’re welcome.
[Q exits through the door. Sisko continues to watch space, thinking.]