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Summerschool at the NSA - A Screenplay

As the sling shoots, grown men will cry

Abstract

The Hollywood actresses Sarah Michelle Gellar (of Buffy fame) and Summer Glau (of xkcd notability) conspire to kick the ass of the NSA (= the United States government’s National Security Agency), while using special warfare that is completely non-violent and non-destructive. Two attractive, intelligent, and resourceful women against a large, inefficient, federal government organisation whose estimated annual budget is several times their combined worth. Does the NSA actually stand a chance?

This informal screenplay (which was not produced or filmed yet) is surrealist realism, and takes place in the spring-summer of 2013. It is far-fetched, but could actually happen.

Read Online or Download (Formats)

Licensing

This work uses some characters and concepts from real life, from other copyrighted works, and from work that are already Public Domain.

All the text in Summerschool at the NSA is original, and as far as I’m concerned can be used under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution licence Unported (CC-by) (either version 3.0, or at your option any later version), but like I said, the situation is more complicated than that.

Credits

Pebbles Image Background

The image of the pebbles used for background for the logo is by Assaulted Peanut from Flickr under CC-by-sa. Also available is the repository with the intermediate images used to create the logo, and the large version of the logo.

Sources of Inspiration

  • The following xkcd comic strip panels are being referenced in the screenplay:

    1. xkcd: “Literally”

    2. xkcd: “Venting” - featuring Summer Glau for the first time.

  • “Humpty Dumpty” - old Nursery rhyme in English.

  • Buffy the Vampire Slayer - the T.V. series, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, who also plays herself in Summerschool at the NSA.

  • My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic - referenced in the screenplay, its male adult fans are referred to as “bronies” (from "bro" + "ponies") and its female adult fans are referred to as “pegasisters” (from "pegasi" + "sisters").

  • Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - a science fiction television series co-starring Summer Glau.

  • “99 Problems” by Jay-Z - rap song that contains the now immortal sentence “If you have a girl problems, I feel bad for you, son, I’ve got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”.

  • Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand - relevant quote:

    “Are we to understand,” asked the judge, “that you hold your own interests above the interests of the public?”

    “I hold that such a question can never arise except in a society of cannibals.”

    I also consider Summerschool at the NSA to be a 2013 modernisation of Atlas Shrugged.

    Note: while considering myself a mostly Objectivist, and while I enjoyed reading The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, I reject Classical Randianism as unfitting for 2013 and forward, and my other stories and more serious writings reflect a more modern mentality, including my parody and modernisation of Rand’s book The Fountainhead.

  • The “NSA Facts” page - concentrating most of my own anti-NSA hacktivity including the original quote of “Summerschool at the NSA may well be the name of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s next movie”.

  • “‘Publish or Perish’ = ‘Life or Death’” - my own blog post that plays a central role in this screenplay.

  • The Twelve-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

  • “The Eternal Jew” - an essay I wrote whose “I am the Messiah” and “I am the Most Powerful Man on Earth” themes play an important role in the story. I introduce them there using the Chabad Jewish movement as a plot device, as there is a Chabadnik in our neighbourhood, who told me that every Jew should think he is the Messiah, although he later goes on to ask me to put Tefillin which is not really my style as a secular and anti-religious Jew, who is still a spiritual agnostic.

Coverage

On the reddit Xkcd subreddit

Full Disclosure Mailing List

  • 6 April 2013 Post - “[Slightly OT] ‘Summerschool at the NSA’ - a screenplay where the NSA gets pwned by two Hollywood actresses (100% non-violently ; WiP)” (Posted with permission of the list owner).

On reddit /r/SummerGlau’s subreddit

On reddit’s Social Engineering subreddit

See Also

Thanks and Acknowledgements

  • Omer Zak - for taking part in the original meme.

  • kilmo - for the secondary meme.

  • Randall Munroe - for writing the xkcd web-comics which provided a lot of inspiration and fodder for this screenplay.

  • The Spiritual Pony - finding some phrasing problems in the text and inspiring some other changes.