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Summerschool at the NSA - Ongoing Text [possible satire]
As the sling shoots, grown men will cry
Abstract
The Hollywood actresses Sarah Michelle Gellar (of Buffy fame) and Summer Glau (of xkcd notability) conspire to kick the ass of the NSA (= the United States government’s National Security Agency), while using special warfare that is completely non-violent and non-destructive. Two attractive, intelligent, and resourceful women against a large, inefficient, federal government organisation whose estimated annual budget is several times their combined worth. Does the NSA actually stand a chance?
This screenplay is surrealistic realism and takes place in April 2013. It is far-fetched, but could actually happen.
Summerschool at the NSA
Node LinkAbout this screenplay
Node LinkNext[ Summerschool at the NSA
Tagline: As the sling shoots, grown men will cry.
Note: This screenplay was written by Shlomi Fish, and is original artwork.
Mr. Fish would like to apologise to the real-life and living Ms. Sarah Michelle Gellar and to Ms. Summer Glau, who are featured in this story as themselves, if he has misrepresented them. ]
[ Abstract: Sarah Michelle Gellar (of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame - abbreviated as “SMG”) and Summer Glau (of xkcd notability, abbreviated as “SGlau”) conspire to kick the ass of the NSA (= the United States government’s National Security Agency), while using special warfare that is completely non-violent and non-destructive.
This is surrealistic realism and takes place in the spring-summer of 2013 - far-fetched, but could actually happen. ]
[ For more information and anti-NSA activism by Shlomi Fish, visit his the NSA “facts” page (a la Chuck Norris factoids). ]
[ This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2013 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported Licence (CC-by) (or at your option - any later version). ]
“We’re Scheming”
PrevNode LinkNextSarah Michelle Gellar about Her Daughter
Node LinkNext[ Black screen, SMG’s voice, while emulating her daughter. ]
[ Screen showing SGlau laughing. SMG and she are sitting at a diner together.
The music in the background is a low-volume version of Tiffany Alvord’s cover of “Hurt me Tomorrow” by K'NAAN ]
“Let’s get straight to business”
PrevNode LinkNext
[ SGlau laughs. ]
Taking the order
PrevNode LinkNext[ A waitress arrives. ]
[ They both burst out laughing. ]
[ The waitress goes away. ]
Who is the Messiah?
PrevNode Link[ The music changes to “Kill Dash Nine” by Monzy. ]
[ SGlau bursts out laughing. ]
[ She thinks for a moment. ]
[ The order arrives. ]
[ The waitress goes away. ]
[ Fade to black. Cut ]
Summer Glau Gets Clearance
PrevNode LinkNextAt the parking lot.
Node LinkNext[ Captions: “Two days later: The NSA Headquarters near Fort Meade, Maryland”.
Music: Hugo: “99 Problems” The screen fades in to show a parking lot, a car arrives and gets parked in a vacant spot. SGlau wearing warm clothes, and sunglasses gets out of the driver’s seat, she rubs her palms against the upper part of her hands. ]
[ She wears a coat, and puts on a large, packed, backpack and walks to the guarding station. She enters. ]
At the guarding station
PrevNode LinkNextWill you shoot a terminator?
Node LinkNext[ There are two U.S. soldiers standing there holding machine guns - Andrew, who is Black, and Daniel, who is a Caucasian. SGlau enters, and takes off her sunglasses. ]
[ SGlau quickly puts her hands in the air, looking startled. ]
[ Andrew approaches the backpack and takes a look. ]
[ SGlau puts her hands down. Andrew returns back behind the counter. ]
99 Problems
PrevNode LinkNext[ Andrew and Daniel smile. SGlau joins them. ]
[ SGlau laughs. Daniel and Andrew join her. ]
[ Pause. ]
Summer Glau's Life
PrevNode LinkNext
Atlas Shruggeded
PrevNode Link[ Daniel and Andrew laugh and giggle. ]
[ They laugh. ]
[ Cut. ]
After Getting the Clearance
PrevNode Link[ Same room as before. Message on the screen: “Two hours later”.
SGlau, Andrew, and Daniel enter. ]
[ SGlau hugs Andrew, followed by Daniel. ]
[ She takes out her smartphone, and calls. ]
[ SGlau turns on the camera. ]
[ SGlau bursts out laughing ]
[ SGlau and Daniel clap their hands. ]
[ Cut. ]
Getting inside the NSA
PrevNode LinkNextAfter the Date
Node LinkNext[ Caption on the screen: “1 hour later”.
SGlau and Daniel enter through the door. ]
To the Inner Fence
PrevNode LinkNext[ Andrew bursts out laughing and SGlau joins him. ]
Inner Fence Crossing
PrevNode Link[ SGlau and Andrew approach the inner fence crossing. There’s a Caucasian guard (George) and a ferocious dog chained nearby.
The dog starts barking at SGlau and Andrew. ]
[ SGlau hands it in. ]
[ He hangs up. ]
[ Fade to Black, cut. ]
Dr. Feldman
PrevNode LinkNextInside the NSA’s Building
Node LinkNext[ SGlau enters the door to the NSA’s headquarters building and looks around. there is a large hall with many corridors.
It is warm so she takes off some of her clothes and hangs them on the collar.
She starts walking down one corridor and notices that many of the walls are painted with beautiful and highly aesthetic paintings featuring natural scenery and animals. She stops to be impressed. ]
[ SGlau enters an office whose door is open and says. ]
[ Richard gets up and escorts SGlau. ]
[ SGlau knocks on the door. ]
In Dr. Feldman’s Office
PrevNode LinkNext[ SGlau opens the door into Dr. David Feldman’s office. She sees many paintings around on papers and canvases. Dr. Feldman is busy painting a new painting. There is a computer with many books and papers lying around the office. ]
[ Dr. Feldman starts crying again. ]
[ Fade to black. Caption on the screen: “20 minutes later.”. ]
[ They begin the arrangements.
Cut. ]
At Dr. Feldman’s Sister
PrevNode Link[ SGlau, Dr. Feldman and his sister (= Mrs. Katz) are sitting at a table in Mrs. Katz’s kitchen. ]
[ She reaches to her pocket and takes out a chequebook. She scribbles something. ]
[ Cut to SGlau. She has tears in her eyes. They stop hugging. ]
[ A young boy’s voice from outside the frame. ]
[ Peter enters. ]
[ SGlau leaves. ]
[ Cut. ]
Summer Glau Presents to the NSA People
PrevNode LinkNextGathering Everyone
Node LinkNext[ SGlau enters the NSA building, and puts some of her clothes on the colar.
She walks to Richard’s office. ]
[ SGlau laughs. Cut. ]
The Talk
PrevNode LinkIntroducing Summer Glau
Node LinkNext[ An NSA conference room. Richard is standing on the stage. SGlau set up the camera to film the talk on the table, and connected her tablet to the projector. ]
[ Some grumbling from the crowd, due to surprise, along with some unenthusiastic applause. ]
David and Goliath
PrevNode LinkNext[ There’s some enthusiastic hand clapping from the audience. ]
A Gun in Each Hand
PrevNode LinkNext[ Fade to black. Cut. Fade in. ]
Amateur Fighters
PrevNode Link[ Fade to black. Cut. Fade in. ]
[ The door opens. Voice from back of the camera - General Keith B. Alexander . ]
[ Cut. ]
Dealing with the NSA Director
PrevNode LinkMaking Acquaintance
Node LinkNext[ SGlau sighs and taps a few keys on the tablet. Eventually the projected screen shows some tabs including her Wikipedia page, some fan sites and the xkcd references. ]
[ The audience bursts out laughing and clapping. ]
[ SGlau is very happy. ]
[ General Alexander sits down. ]
[ Cut to General Alexander. His facial expression shows fear and hatred and despair. ]
[ The screen fades into black. ]
[ General Alexander starts sobbing. ]
[ Cut. ]
The NSA Director Tells His Story
PrevNode Link[ The screen fades in to reveal General Alexander and SGlau sitting on the floor in the hall. The General is calmer and stopped crying. ]
[ SGlau: stands up. ]
[ The crowd starts clapping for a standing ovation, and some people start whistling. ]
[ On the camera screen: ]
