Chuck Norris Facts [possible satire]

Chuck Norris wrote a complete Perl 6 implementation in a day, but then destroyed all evidence with his bare hands, so no-one will know his secrets.

Chuck Norris refactors 10 million lines of Perl code before lunch.

Chuck Norris is his own boss. If you hire him, he’ll tell your boss what to do.

Chuck Norris read the entire English Wikipedia in 24 hours. Twice.

• Actually, he wrote it in 24 hours. Twice. The first time longhand in blood. The second time he typed it in from memory (Drew Roberts).

Chuck Norris does not code; when he sits at a computer, it just does whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris commits with a roundhouse kick into the SVN server’s head.

Chuck Norris is the test suite.

Chuck Norris doesn’t make mistakes. (Su-Shee) He corrects God.

Chuck Norris is the ghost author of the entire Debian GNU/Linux distribution. And he wrote it in 24 hours, while taking snack breaks.

• He published Slackware under the pseudonym of Patrick Volkerding. (Su-Shee)

Chuck Norris doesn’t commit changes, the changes commit for him.

Code is too scared of Chuck Norris to be wrong.

Bugs are too afraid to reproduce on Chuck Norris’ computer. As a result, when he uses Microsoft Windows, it behaves just like a Linux system.

Chuck Norris has actually been using Perl 6 since 1987, and has been waiting for Larry to play catch-up.

Chuck Norris is a real programmer. He writes programs by implementing the most optimised machines for them using real atoms.

Wikipedia deletionists, beware! If you delete Chuck Norris’ Wikipedia Submission, he will delete you!

• Deletionists delete Wikipedia articles. Chuck Norris deletes deletionists who delete Wikipedia articles.

• Deletionists delete Wikipedia articles that they consider lame. Chuck Norris deletes deletionists whom he considers lame.

• Deletionists delete Wikipedia articles that they consider lame. Chuck Norris deletes Deletionists whom he considers lame, for deleting Wikipedia articles that he doesn’t consider lame.

There are no deletionists. Only Wikipedia articles which Chuck Norris allows to live.

Wikipedia deletionists don’t delete lame Wikipedia articles. Chuck Norris deletes lame Wikipedia articles.

No one knows all of Perl - not even Larry Wall. Except Chuck Norris, who knows all of Perl 5, Perl 6 and can answer questions about the design of Perl 7.

Chuck Norris reads all messages posted to LKML (= the Linux Kernel Mailing List), understands them all, and he kills all gnomes he sees in sight.

• Fortunately for Alan Cox, Chuck hasn’t visited Swansea yet.

• Here’s the context for this in case you do not get the joke.

When Chuck Norris uses Gentoo, “emerge kde” finishes in under a minute. A computer cannot afford to keep Chuck waiting for too long.

Chuck Norris is the greatest man in history. He killed all the great men who could ever pose a competition.

“My only boss is God. And Chuck Norris who is his boss.”

When Chuck Norris uses git, he takes a coffee break after initiating every git commit. And then he waits for the commit to finish.

• Here’s the context for this

Chuck Norris can make the statement “This statement is false.” a true one.

Chuck Norris can end world hunger, but he thinks that hungry people make humanity a more challenging adversary. If everyone had enough to eat, it would be too easy for him.

Chuck Norris writes understandable Perl code.

Chuck Norris can read Perl code that was RSA encrypted.

Chuck Norris once wrote a 10 million lines C++ program in Microsoft Notepad without having to use the backspace key. And it compiled without errors or warnings, and was 100% bug-free.

Chuck Norris has 50 years of proven experience in PHP/MySQL/Java. Each.

If the mountain will not come to Muhammad, then Muhammad will go to the mountain. If the mountain will not come to Chuck Norris, then the mountain will suffer Norris’s wrath for not complying with his whims.

Chuck Norris has 0 messages in his E-mail inbox. Including already read ones.

Chuck Norris was never a newbie! He will kill anyone who implies otherwise. In a very not newbie-like manner.

Only perl and Chuck Norris can parse Perl.

• /usr/bin/perl consults Chuck Norris about how to parse Perl.

All Chuck Norris has to do is look at Perl code and it interprets itself out of fear and respect.

Chuck Norris taught God how to create the universe.

Chuck Norris is the reason why the Knights who until Recently Said “Ni”, are no longer saying “Ni”.

Chuck Norris is not afraid of superstitions. Superstitions are afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does expect the Spanish Inquisition.

The Spanish Inquisition does not expect Chuck Norris.

A wood chuck can’t chuck wood. Chuck Norris can chuck wood chucks.

If Chuck Norris asks you “What's up?” and you answer it literally, then he will club you senseless with all the volumes of the Oxford English Dictionary, and all the servers hosting en.wiktionary.org, to teach you a lesson.

Chuck Norris helps the gods that help themselves.

If Chuck Norris had been born before World War II, there would have been only one world war. However, there would have been three large-scale Chuck Norris massacres of Nazis and Communists.

If the mountain does not come to Muhammad, then Chuck Norris will bring the mountain over.

An apple a day will keep Chuck Norris away. But not for long.

Reality to be conquered must be obeyed. You’d better obey Chuck Norris or he’ll conquer you.

Chuck Norris had a problem so he decided to use regular expressions. Now, all the World’s problems are solved.

A is A and A is not not-A — unless Chuck Norris says so.

Chuck Norris can make East and West meet.

When Chuck Norris orders Pizza, it arrives before he presses the OK button.

Chuck Norris does not need to heat up food. The food is already warm right after he took it out of the fridge.

Chuck’s idea of a short walk is to the Andromeda Galaxy and back.

Chuck Norris hasn't taken these facts down yet, so they must be true.

For every A, Chuck Norris is both A and not-A. Chuck Norris is fucking everything.

Tomorrow never dies, unless Chuck Norris volunteers to take it out of its misery.

God created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th. Chuck Norris created the world in one day, and has been incrementally destroying it every day since, without rest.

“I am always right. Unless I say that 'A is not-A'. But Chuck Norris will be right even then.”

Chuck Norris does not own a dishwasher. His dishes know better than to become dirty.

The Angel of Death cannot keep up with Chuck Norris’s throughput of killing.

Computers are useless because they can only give you answers. Chuck Norris is not useless, because he knows the questions which these answers belong to.

Chuck Norris is Vito Corleone’s godfather.

Chuck Norris will kill everyone who has not read these factoids. Slowly and painfully.

Chuck Norris could have built the Roman Empire in a day. And it would have taken him even less time to destroy it.

Chuck Norris once counted all the real numbers on his fingers.

Only two things are infinite: the universe, and Chuck Norris’s destruction ability. And we cannot be sure about the former thanks to the latter.

Chuck Norris knows who John Galt is.

Chuck Norris won the Nobel Peace Prize. For making millions of people rest in peace.

God is Chuck Norris, for extremely large values of God.

Chuck Norris can become root on OpenBSD. By using nothing but /bin/echo.

Chuck Norris is the reason why OpenBSD is called OpenBSD. They wanted to call it LockedDownBSD, but couldn't find a way to keep Chuck Norris out!

For all you know, you may not exist, and Chuck Norris convinced you that you do.

Chuck Norris wrote an interpreter for a Turing-complete language using only NOPs.

Chuck Norris does not keep any numbers on his mobile phone’s address book. Instead, he memorised the entire phone directory.

When Chuck Norris drops a cat, it falls on its back so it won’t lose eye contact with Chuck.

• If Chuck Norris had dropped his toasts, they would have fallen on the dry side, so they would have stayed on his good side. But Chuck Norris never drops toasts. (ZadYree and Shlomi Fish).

Chuck Norris can solve MS Freecell deal No. 11,982. With Zero Freecells.

Chuck Norris once solved 100 million deals of Freecell in a minute. By hand.

After Chuck Norris said “I don’t believe in fairies.”, fairies have become extinct.

Chuck Norris caught the early bird before she caught the worm.

Chuck Norris can make one baby in a month using nine mothers.

Chuck Norris helps God help those that help themselves.

God ties Chuck Norris’ camel. (Inspired by a conversation with ZadYree).

• Here’s the context for this.

Chuck Norris can convince everyone that the colour of the bikeshed should be his favourite colour.

Chuck Norris finished building the bike-shed by the time people stopped arguing what its colour should be.

Chuck Norris’ E-mails are signed with “Sent using Chuck Norris’ brain (which he can also kill you using it).”.

When Chuck Norris receives an E-mail signed “Sent from my iPhone”, he makes sure that iPhone won’t be able to send any more E-mails — to Norris or otherwise.

Chuck Norris wrote a program in Python that was easier to understand after being encrypted with RSA.

When Chuck Norris disses your product, it’s not good publicity, even though you can bet he’ll get the name right.

Chuck Norris knows if you’re a dog on the Internet.

• Here’s the context for this.

Chuck Norris was the 1,000,000,000th viewer of the Gangnam Style video on YouTube.

Chuck Norris used these facts to his advantage, making a huge comeback. He didn’t get mad — he got even!

Chuck Norris has 99 problems including a bitch.

If Chuck Norris travelled to the market with his son and his donkey, he would have clubbed the critics to death. With the donkey.

Roses are red, violets are blue, something something Chuck Norris, now they are red too.

Chuck Norris can construct any logical expression using only AND gates.

Chuck Norris can neither confirm nor deny that he was the Alpha Male. But he’ll kill you if you say he wasn't.

Chuck Norris does not boil up water. If he wants, his ice cubes boil water, instead of making it cooler.

Chuck Norris wrote the entire tvtropes.org wiki, so he can sleep with your significant other while you are distracted reading it.

Chuck Norris can edit Wikipedia super protected pages. Anonymously.

Reality to be commanded must be obeyed. Chuck Norris disobeyed reality, and now he commands it.

“Talk Like a Pirate Day” is the only day of the year when Chuck Norris only talks like a pirate, and does not actually act like one.

On Yom Kippur (= the Jewish Day of Atonement), Chuck Norris forgives God for his sins.

Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate holidays -- holidays celebrate Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris makes sure his ciphers are unbreakable by killing all the crypto experts that could possibly break them.

Chuck Norris’ ciphers were once broken. He responded by breaking those individuals.

Chuck Norris is watching Ceiling Cat masturbate.

Ceiling Cat became blind after watching Chuck Norris masturbate.

Chuck Norris grows money on trees.

Question: What is the difference between Chuck Norris and God?

Answer: Chuck Norris knows he isn’t God.

Too much of Chuck Norris is not a bad thing.

Chuck Norris killed the fat lady before she could sing.

“C is for Cookie” is not good enough for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can hear the sounds of silence.

Chuck Norris likes big butts and can lie.

Chuck Norris is ninety out of Jay-Z's 99 problems.

Ariana Grande has one less problem with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was able to truly appreciate Hamlet, before he read it in the original Klingon.

Chuck Norris ain’t Got Milk. He drinks the blood of his enemies.

Chuck Norris knows what the gender of Great A’Tuin, the Discworld world turtle, is.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have to get down on Friday.

The more money Chuck Norris comes across, the less problems he sees.

Shania Twain was much impressed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not going to miss Anna Kendrick when she’s gone.

Chuck Norris’s cat does not chase mice. It chases dogs.

Right Said Fred is not too sexy for Chuck Norris.

If a tree falls down in the middle of the forest, and there's nobody in its vicinity, it will still make a sound, because Chuck Norris can hear it.

Chuck Norris’s woodchuck can chuck wood.

Chuck Norris made the baby Jesus stop crying.

Chuck Norris killed the bottommost turtle.

Chuck Norris has conceived a master plan that does not involve building a time machine, and if you claim it isn’t good, then your father would not have been born.

The reason the Messiah has not come yet, is because Chuck Norris keeps finding faults in God’s plan for his coming.

The cake was not a lie for Chuck Norris.

God is almighty, but Chuck Norris is almightier.

A rose by a name picked by Chuck Norris, will smell sweeter.

Chuck Norris saved Paradise in order to destroy it.

Chuck Norris does not care who the fuck Alice is.

The Zeroth Rule of Fight Club is that Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club. No one tells Chuck Norris what not to do.

If you laugh, Chuck Norris will only laugh with you if the joke is funny.

The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force. The power of the Force is insignificant next to the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris created an O(1/N) algorithm.

The Klingon warriors’ motto is “It’s a good day to die.” Chuck Norris’s motto is “It’s a good day to kill.”

Chuck Norris does not believe in Astrology, despite the fact that he is a Pisces, and Pisces always believe in Astrology.

Chuck Norris gave Richard III a horse in exchange for his kingdom. Norris is now the king of England.

Chuck Norris knows exactly which thing is rotten in the kingdom of Denmark.

God signs people into the book of life using a pen that Chuck Norris gave him.

The only reason some jokes never die is because Chuck Norris is not interested in killing them.

The Knights Who Say “Ni” once said “Ni” to Chuck Norris. They are now no longer The Knights Who Say “Ni”.

Everybody has their pet peeve. Except Chuck Norris. He can never become irritated. When somebody does something Chuck Norris disapproves of, he calmly kills them, and then goes on with the rest of his life.

The Blues Brothers are on a mission from God. God is on a mission from Chuck Norris.

The Starship Enterprise motto is going to change to “To boldly go where only Chuck Norris has gone before”.

Chuck Norris has an Erdős number of -1.

A skyscraper once jumped off Chuck Norris. It didn't survive.

Chuck Norris once jumped out of a plane, and the parachute did not open. So instead Chuck Norris opened and brought him and the parachute down safely.

Buddha has the Chuck Norris nature.

A Zen master once asked Chuck Norris if he had the Buddha nature. Norris proceeded by making sure the former master will lack any nature whatsoever.

Chuck Norris wrote solutions for all the problems of Project Euler, and they all run in under a minute. In total.

If Chuck Norris is disappointed by you not following his advice, he’ll survive. On the other hand, you will not.

Chuck Norris won't kill you for money. He also won't kill you for a shitload of money. However, he might opt to kill you as a free-of-charge service, knowing that ridding the world of scum like you, will pay him back in spades later on.

( Giving back. )

Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kicks are licensed under the public domain because no one besides him can duplicate them.

Chuck Norris will kill you just for the fun of kicking your Death's ass till it runs away, then beating your soul back into your corpse.

By e-neko under CC-by 2.0

Chuck Norris isn’t afraid to die. Death is afraid to be Chuck Norrissed.

Chuck Norris was challenged to fight the world, and accepted. He bet on himself, won, and collected the bet money.

Chuck Norris is not a full stack developer. He is an empty queue developer.

Chuck Norris killed all the members of the Spanish Inquisition, so they won’t come unexpectedly.

Chuck Norris actually died and became a badass undead zombie killer. He was actually easier to avoid while being alive.

If you do not like these factoids, Chuck Norris will still love you. However, it's not going to stop him from killing you, because he doesn't let his feelings get in the way of his day-to-day business.

Chuck Norris can destroy the world instantaneously. However, he prefers it to suffer from a long, slow, cruel, torture.

Captain Picard told Chuck Norris to "make it so". Chuck made it so much better.

Chuck Norris coerced God into giving him the source code of the universe, but then destroyed it because real programmers can alter binaries directly.

Right Said Fred is not too sexy for Chuck Norris. However, Chuck Norris is too sexy for Right Said Fred.

It is always a good day for Chuck Norris to kill those for whom it is a good day to die.

The starship Enterprise aims to boldly go where Chuck Norris hasn't been (and laid waste) to, yet.

If Chuck Norris tells you to jump off a bridge, you should. But naturally he won’t tell you to, and will roundhouse kick you off the bridge instead.

You can never truly appreciate Hamlet until you've read it in the original Klingon. Chuck Norris both wrote the original, and translated it to English.