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NSA Facts [possible satire]
Introduction
The NSA is the United States’ National Security Agency, a cryptologic intelligence agency. These facts show why the NSA is a paper tiger, and a money sink, and why it should not be feared.
NSA Facts
The NSA don’t publish. They perish.
The NSA employs the largest number of mathematicians with Ph.Ds. And the most stupid and incompetent ones.
The NSA has a patent for an efficient process for collecting a lot of information and doing nothing with it.
The Bajoran scholars have positively identified Benjamin Sisko as The Emissary. They also positively identified the NSA headquarters as The Dungeon.
One of Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s episodes took place in the NSA headquarters, but had to be destroyed, because all of the test audience had uncontrollable panic attacks.
The NSA knows what you did last summer. But no one, in the NSA or outside it, knows why they should.
The more the NSA think, the less they want to be able to think. So they think less and less.
With the NSA’s budget you would expect evil to be extinct by now.
Author Kika Think of the most incompetent organisation possible. The NSA would be even more incompetent than that.
The NSA headquarters are the unhappiest place on Earth.
Yogurt: “Never overestimate the power of the NSA.”
First the NSA ignores “silly” Internet memes, then they laugh at them, then they are unable to fight them, and then they lose.
The NSA is an intelligence agency which thinks it can use Artificial Ultra-Stupidity (AUS) to wade through tons of irrelevant information and reach genuine understanding.
Your next job after one in @NSACareers, will be as a dead corpse in a coffin, 6 feet underground, or as a patient in a psychiatric ward.
Hackers bend the rules, so the NSA hates them. Instead, the NSA accumulates rules, observes them, and accepts their fate: death.
No one in their right mind will want to work for the NSA. Fortunately for the NSA, and unfortunately for us, some people are not in their right mind.
Don’t worry about what the NSA knows about you. They don’t tell anything they know to anyone.
Not only are the NSA agents afraid of their own shadow, but whenever they see any shadow whatsoever, they have to do a saving throw and if they roll a 1, they get a deadly heart attack.
The NSA's intensive care unit is very busy.
ה-NSA מעסיק את המספר הרב ביותר של מתמטיקאים בעלי דוקטורט. ואת הטפשים ביותר וחסרי היכולת ביותר מביניהם.
ל-NSA יש פטנט על שיטה יעילה לאיסוף מידע רב ולא לעשות איתו שום דבר.
אחד הפרקים של "באפי ציידת הערפדים" התרחש במטה הכללי של ה-NSA, אבל היה צורך להשמיד אותו, מכיוון שלכל צופי המבחן היו התקפי פניקה חסרי שליטה.
ה-NSA יודעים מה עשית בקיץ האחרון. אבל אף לא אחד, לא ב-NSA ולא מחוצה לו, יודע למה הם צריכים לדעת זאת.
ככל שה-NSA חושבים יותר, כך הם רוצים לחשוב פחות. לכן, הם חושבים פחות ופחות.
Copyright and Licence
This document is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2013, and is available under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License (CC-by) 3.0 Unported (or at your option any later version of that licence).
For securing additional rights, please contact Shlomi Fish and see the explicit requirements that are being spelt from abiding by that licence.
Links
TODO
Common Links
These factoids in XML-Grammar-Fortune format - also individually wrapped.
Shlomi Fish’s FAQ - Why are you so obsessed with “facts”/factoids about Chuck Norris/etc.?
“Putting all the Cards on the Table (2013)” (also by me) - mentions what is the second major battle that Chuck Norris lost.
“Putting Cards on the Table (2019-*)” (also by me) - additional update on Chuck Norris and the facts.
See Also
“Yo NSA, Publish or Perish!” - captioned image by me.
“Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Next Movie” - old fortune cookie.
[Discussing the shortage of IT workers as of 1998 on E-mail]
Shlomi Fish to Omer Zak: “Even the NSA doesn’t have enough programmers. But it is not likely that they will have more, and that’s because Summerschool at the NSA may might as well be the name of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s next movie.”
Omer Zak to Shlomi Fish: “And as opposed to I Know What You Did Last Summer, it is going to be scary.”
“kilmo about the NSA” - a sequel to the previous fortune cookie.
[Discussing the shortage of IT workers as of 1998 on E-mail]
Shlomi Fish to Omer Zak: "Even the NSA doesn’t have enough programmers. But it is not likely that they will have more and that’s because ‘Summerschool at the NSA’ may might as well be the name of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s next movie."
Omer Zak to Shlomi Fish: "And as opposed to ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ it is going to be scary."
Kilmo: why would you like to make fun of the crypto world ? ;) The NSA does know what you did last summer. And by putting this on the web, they know that you know.
Which may lead to interesting philosophical issues. BTW, in a conference I was attending we were given a sticker saying: "NSA - free email backup".
They still have some issue with the retrieval procedures, but besides of that - they are quite a trusted service.
Shlomi Fish: In my case, I think every random Joe can learn a lot about me. Even if he’s not in Google or the NSA or whatever.
Kilmo: Yep. But this is a world-wide service that they offer. (Along with several co-operations, like MI5/6).
Open Letter to Ms. Sarah Michelle Gellar regarding the production of the film “Summerschool at the NSA” - another sequel - somewhat more serious.
Blog Post: “‘Publish or Perish’ → ‘Life or Death’” - discusses why keeping secrets to yourself is a recipe for disaster.
Summerschool at the NSA - a screenplay:
The Hollywood actresses Sarah Michelle Gellar (of Buffy fame) and Summer Glau (of xkcd notability) conspire to kick the ass of the NSA (= the United States government’s National Security Agency), while using special warfare that is completely non-violent and non-destructive. Two attractive, intelligent, and resourceful women against a large, inefficient, federal government organisation whose estimated annual budget is several times their combined worth. Does the NSA actually stand a chance?
This screenplay is surrealistic realism and takes place in April 2013. It is far-fetched, but could actually happen.
Google+ Post: Why Summer Glau Will Be The Next Warrior Queen
Google+ Post: “Why paranoid security and misery causes one's downfall?” - corresponding the Knights Templar whom Saladin fought, to today's NSA.
“Summer Glau for Government! [And I'm Not Joking As the Reader Shall See]” - on Google+.
“Saladin Style” - an executive summary — irresponsible and opinionated — about Saladin’s innovative approach to security, combat warfare, psychological warfare, and justice, that still has implications today.
