The 10th Muse: “Athena Gets Laid”

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About this screenplay

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Objective

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[ Spec.

In the modern day Greek Pantheon, Athena ( Tiffany Alvord ), is still the goddess of wisdom, chivalrous warfare, and a notoriously chaste one.

She accepts a bet with Dionysus that she will remain in control after getting drunk. She loses more than just the bet…

Having kissed a man (later revealed to be the fictionalised Wil Wheaton), she finds out that her only parent, Zeus, first thinks she was joking after confessing that to him.

Note that whereas in traditional ancient Greek photoes and statues, Athena is depicted as wearing full-metal armor just like a soldier. I figure that by the time of the 21st century, she had converted to a togah when on Mt. Olympus, and “casual” clothes (e,g: jeans and a captioned T-shirt) when in Los-Angeles, North Tel-Aviv, etc. ]

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“I did it!…”

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[ The ten muses.

Featuring Jennifer Saunders (like in Absolutely Fabulous) or Fran Drescher (like in The Nanny) as Aphrodite.

Aphrodite had conspired with Dionysus to make Athena and @wilw drunk so they'll kiss. She tells Dionysus using her mobile that the plan worked and that she owes him a dinner. ]

Athena tells her father (= Zeus)

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[ Athena and Zeus are sitting in Athena's apartment. ]

Athena: ok, Dad, I want you to hear it from me first, but first of all, have a cookie.

Zeus: [munches] wow! It tastes better than usual!

Athena: Well, I bought it at a small bakery shop this time… not the usual mass produced ones. I even overpaid them 100 dollars.

Athena: OK, it may have meant a lot to you given I am your single-parent-daughter, but to cut to the chase… I lost it. I lost my chastity yesterday.

[ Zeus laughs and nearly chokes on a cookie. ]

Athena: I’m serious.

Zeus: really?

Athena: yes!

Zeus: oh, I see… mazal tov, I guess.

Zeus: …so: how was it?

Athena: oh, dad, as the Greek goddess in charge of wisdom, I can tell you that it is not wise to describe your sexual exploits to your father.

Zeus: oh!

Athena: but I still want to publicly announce it.

Zeus: oh! [ He thinks for a moment. ] That sounds wise!

Announcing Publicly

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[ The assembly of the Greek gods - they are eating and/or chatting.

Zeus and Athena enter the frame. ]

Zeus: [on the loud-speaker] Attention everybody!

Zeus: I am happy to announce that my daughter Athena here, got drunk yesterday, and… lost her chastity!

[ The crowd claps, whistles, and howls. ]

Zeus: Yes, it took her over 7,031 years, but some people learn slower than others.

Zeus: So now we're down to Artemis [= Jennifer Lopez] …

Artemis: don't be so naive, daddy.

[ Artemis rapekisses Zeus. ]

Artemis: not bad!

[ Artemis approaches Athena, who silently signals "please don't kiss me". ]

Artemis: [ to Athena ] Hakuna Matata, sis! [She turns away.]

Return to the scene of the crime

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[ Later on, Athena, Dionysus, Artemis, and Arielle (= the 10th Muse), decide to return to the place where Athena kissed Wheaton…

Athena ( Tiffany Alvord ), Dionysus ( Jack Black ), Artemis ( Jennifer Lopez ), and Arielle (= the 10th muse, Regina King, e.g.: in Jerry Maguire), enter a large hall of a pub / restaurant hosting a board games' event.

Athena is wearing a T-shirt with the caption “It isn’t wise to be too wise. @Athena” ]

Athena: so that's it…

[ Wil Wheaton, wearing a T-shirt captioned “Try to be less of a dick than me. #dontbeadick @wilw”, approaches. ]

@wilw: Hey, Athena! I'm sorry about the other day… you and your friends look great today… I'll be over there if you need anything.

[ He walks to a nearby table. ]

Artemis: oh my god! Wil Wheaton??! Women would kill to kiss him.

Arielle: Athena, that is one helluva way to lose it!

Arielle: Now, go talk to him.

[ Athena approaches @wilw. ]

Athena: So Mr. Wheaton… out of pure curiosity… are you single?

@wilw: Well, in real life, I'm happily married. But, in this fic, I'm single.

Athena: You've got 99 problems …

@wilw: … and a bitchin', sexy, significant other like you ain't one! Yes!!

[ Athena laughs. ]

Athena: You just hit on me, didn't you?

@wilw: No shit, Sherlock!

@wilw: Unless you're seeing someone, in which case, please consider that as (overboard, I admit) flirting.

@wilw: Here's the thing though: I want a Romantic relationship: dates… courtship… "commitment", and all that Jazz.

Athena: I'm single!

@wilw: Oh nice! So…

Athena: I don't know, Wil…

@wilw: No worries, Athena! I can fix you up on dates with my friends if I'm not your cup of tea. I've gained some weight from all the food I ate at the weddings of the couples I've matched, heh.

Athena: Fuck that!

@wilw: Pardon?

Athena: Fuck that! I want you, and will try to go the distance. I read or watched some of your online works, and can see you're really smart.

Athena: So having already thrown away 7031 years of chastity, and against my better judgement, I'm going to try this "commitment" thing.

@wilw: Sounds great! I should note that it is not the first time I did something stupid when I was drunk. I think I'll quit cold turkey.

Athena: Good! I'll limit myself to at most one glass of wine per day.

[ Athena extends her hand backwards; Dionysus reluctantly gives her the new 1,000 USD bet money. ]

Athena: That put aside, can we kiss again now? As a sober couple?

@wilw: I guess. OK, close your eyes.

[ Athena closes her eyes. @wilw kisses her with passion, and she recipocrates.

Arielle says "oh". Artemis sighs and gives Dionysus 4 × 1,000 USD notes, and then they high-five.

Athena and @wilw stop kissing and catch their breath. ]

Athena: so, Wil, any plans for tonight?

@wilw: Well, coast is clear with respect to being a games' instructor, so I'm thinking I'll buy us dinner and then we geek out and try to reach common ground.

@wilw: For instance, I refuse to date a woman who thinks Johnny Depp was sexier than Orlando Bloom in the Pirates of the Caribbean films.

Athena: [laughs] I see you are only mostly straight! [@wilw laughs.]

[ Artemis, Dionysus, and Arielle approach Athena and @wilw. ]

Dionysus: So… having made the world safe-for-humanity and matched you two, I am going to spend an evening of non-alcoholic drinks&food, games, and… [puts his arms around Artemis and Arielle] women! [ Reference: "Wine, women, and song". ]

@wilw: awesome, have fun… but can you first take a photo of Athena and me so I can tweet it?

[ Tweet by @wilw : «Me and my 100th problem, @Athena. Not only does this bitchin' goddess look great 4 some1 in her 7030s, but she's smart, decisive, funny,& geeky» ]

Image Credits

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[ * EvilPHish emblem by UserFriendly.org ]

Licence

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[ Emblem: Shlomi Fish’s EvilPHish Emblem

This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2022 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution Noncommercial Share-Alike 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by-nc-sa) (or at your option - any later version). ]

Dedication

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[ Dedication ]