The 10th Muse: “Athena Gets Laid”

About this screenplay

Objective

[ Spec.

In the modern day Greek Pantheon, Athena is still the goddess of wisdom, chivalrous warfare, and a notoriously chaste one.

She accepts a bet with Dionysus that she will remain in control after getting drunk. She loses more than just the bet…

Having kissed a man (later revealed to be the fictionalised Wil Wheaton), she finds out that her only parent, Zeus, first thinks she was joking after confessing that to him. ]

Wrapper

“I did it!…”

[ The ten muses.

Featuring Jennifer Saunders (like in Absolutely Fabulous) or Fran Drescher (like in The Nanny) as Aphrodite.

Aphrodite had conspired with Dionysus to make Athena and @wilw drunk so they'll kiss. She tells Dionysus using her mobile that the plan worked and that she owes him a dinner. ]

Athena tells her father (= Zeus)

[ Athena and Zeus are sitting in Athena's apartment. ]

Athena: ok, Dad, I want you to hear it from me first, but first of all, have a cookie.

Zeus: [munches] wow! It tastes better than usual!

Athena: Well, I bought it at a small bakery shop this time… not the usual mass produced ones. I even overpaid them 100 dollars.

Announcing Publicly

[ The assembly of the Greek gods - they are eating and/or chatting.

Zeus and Athena enter the frame. ]

Zeus: [on the loud-speaker] Attention everybody!

Zeus: I am happy to announce that my daughter Athena here, got drunk yesterday, and… lost her chastity!

[ The crowd claps, whistles, and howls. ]

Zeus: Yes, it took her over 7,031 years, but some people learn slower than others.

Zeus: So now we're down to Artemis [= Jennifer Lopez] …

Artemis: don't be so naive, daddy.

[ Artemis rapekisses Zeus. ]

Artemis: not bad!

[ Artemis approaches Athena, who silently signals "please don't kiss me". ]

Artemis: [ to Athena ] Hakuna Matata, sis! [She turns away.]

Return to the scene of the crime

[ Later on, Athena, Dionysus, Artemis, and Arielle (= the 10th Muse), decide to return to the place where Athena kissed Wheaton…

Athena ( Tiffany Alvord ), Dionysus ( Jack Black ), Artemis ( Jennifer Lopez ), and Arielle (= the 10th muse, Regina King, e.g.: in Jerry Maguire), enter a large hall of a pub / restaurant hosting a board games' event.

Athena is wearing a T-shirt with the caption “My father accumulated too much wisdom, so he begot me. @Athena” ]

Athena: so that's it…

[ Wil Wheaton, wearing a T-shirt captioned “Try to be less of a dick than me. #dontbeadick @wilw”, approaches. ]

@wilw: Hey, Athena! I'm sorry about the other day… you and your friends look great today… I'll be over there if you need anything.

[ He walks to a nearby table. ]

Artemis: oh my god! Wil Wheaton??! Women would kill to kiss him.

Arielle: Athena, that is one helluva way to lose it!

Arielle: Now, go talk to him.

[ Athena approaches wilw. ]

Athena: So Mr. Wheaton… out of pure curiosity… are you single?

@wilw: Well, in real life, I'm happily married. But, in this fic, I'm single.

Athena: You've got 99 problems …

@wilw: … and a bitchin', sexy, significant other like you ain't one! Yes!!

[ Athena laughs. ]

Athena: You just hit on me, didn't you?

@wilw: No shit, Sherlock!

@wilw: Unless you're seeing someone, in which case, please consider that as (overboard, I admit) flirting.

@wilw: Here's the thing though: I want a Romantic relationship: dates… courtship… "commitment", and all that Jazz.

Athena: I'm single!

@wilw: Oh nice! So…

Athena: I don't know, Wil…

@wilw: No worries, Athena! I can fix you up on dates with my friends if I'm not your cup of tea. I've gained some weight from all the food I ate at the weddings of the couples I've matched, heh.

Athena: Fuck that!

@wilw: Pardon?

Athena: Fuck that! I want you, and will try to go the distance. I read or watched some of your online works, and can see you're really smart.

Athena: So having already thrown away 7031 years of chastity, and against my better judgement, I'm going to try this "commitment" thing.

@wilw: Sounds great! I should note that it is not the first time I did something stupid when I was drunk. I think I'll quit cold turkey.

Athena: Good! I'll limit myself to at most one glass of wine per day.

[ Athena extends her hand backwards; Dionysus reluctantly gives her the new 1,000 USD bet money. ]

Athena: That put aside, can we kiss again now? As a sober couple?

@wilw: I guess. OK, close your eyes.

[ Athena closes her eyes. @wilw kisses her with passion, and she recipocrates.

Arielle says "oh". Artemis sighs and gives Dionysus 4 × 1,000 USD notes, and then they high-five.

Athena and @wilw stop kissing and catch their breath. ]

Athena: so, Wil, any plans for tonight?

@wilw: Well, coast is clear with respect to being a games' instructor, so I'm thinking I'll buy us dinner and then we geek out and try to reach common ground.

@wilw: For instance, I refuse to date a woman who thinks Johnny Depp was sexier than Orlando Bloom in the Pirates of the Caribbean films.

Athena: [laughs] I see you are only mostly straight! [@wilw laughs.]

[ Artemis, Dionysus, and Arielle approach Athena and wilw. ]

Dionysus: So… having made the world safe-for-humanity and matched you two, I am gonna spend an evening of non-alcoholic drinks&food, games, and… [puts his arms around Artemis and Arielle] women! [ Reference: "Wine, women, and song". ]

@wilw: awesome, have fun… but can you first take a photo of Athena and me so I can tweet it?

[ Tweet by @wilw : «Me and my 100th problem, @Athena. Not only does this bitchin' goddess look great 4 some1 in her 7030s, but she's smart, decisive, funny,& geeky» ]

Image Credits

[ * EvilPHish emblem by UserFriendly.org ]

Licence

[ Emblem: Shlomi Fish’s EvilPHish Emblem

This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2022 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution Noncommercial Share-Alike 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by-nc-sa) (or at your option - any later version). ]

Dedication

[ Dedication ]