Queen Amidala vs. The Klingon Warriors
About this screenplay
Objective
[ An illustrated screenplay crossing Star Wars Ep. I, the Selinaverse (itself crossing Star Trek TNG/DS9, Buffy, Judaism, Israel, Objectivism, etc.) the real world online/offline life in 2010s/2020s, Wayne's World, and My Little Pony.
It aims to launch the "Queen Padmé Tales" web series ( whose format is modelled loosely after Ox Tales ). It stars Tiffany Alvord as Queen Padmé Amidala of the Naboo, and which aims to be directed and costarred by Natalie Portman. More ambitiously it aims to pave way for commercial crossover / RPF fanart, help reverse copyright maximalism and convert Hollywood and the film industry at large to the open/free/amateur model ( see Copyright Cannibalism ).
We may not succeed, but at least we're going to try.
This screenplay is not written in the Hollywood blessed format because good hackers (= resourceful and rule bending heroes) which include the talented actors and actresses in this film can withstand reading a raw and non-CSS-styled XHTML5 file. That - and hackers like me do not have the time to massage a screenplay into Hollywood's whimsical format only to be rejected, rinse and repeat. ]
Licence
[ This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2020 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by) (or at your option - any later version). ]
Dedication
[ The Dedication:
This story is dedicated to the memory of Christina Grimmie (1994-2016), a remarkable singer and youtuber, who was killed at age 22 by a fan who was obsessed with her, who almost immediately committed suicide himself.
For what I consider her Magnus Opus see her original "Feelin' Good" song and videoclip whose message I believe is:
«
Be confident. Do the best you can given the time frame. It doesn't have to be perfect. You are allowed to be wrong and say wrong things that you think will still impress people. Try to learn from your mistakes, encourage the critics and try to improve, but realise that some people will always be unhappy and hold you liable for your past opinions, past mistakes, past failures, opinions that they disagree with, your non-normative behaviour, your qualities (age, gender, country, city, ethnicity, religion, ideology, beliefs, wealth, image, personality, cultural tastes, etc.) and your works.
You will likely "fail" to become the "next biggest thing", but even if you do, you can at least fail "in style" and inspire or help even just one person.
Always remember: you are awesome. You can become more awesome, regardless of any "IQ" myths. But you can one day "lose" to someone less qualified than you. That's OK - you can learn from a lost fight and make a comeback. Frankly, heroes do not die ("reputationally" at least) - they accumulate.
As the Indiana Jones' gun vs, sword scene shows, if something takes too long or seems too risky, then think outside the box, challenge the invisible rules, "hack" something, or even temporarily or permanently give up. There's more than one way to do it (even in maths and when writing Python code) and different people like different things.
»
(Also see If— by Rudyard Kipling which has a similar message, and is the most favourite poem among British citizens, a favourite among Israelis, was Ayn Rand’ favourite, and mine.) ]
Filming Version 0.2.x
[ Black screen. Initial Credits. ]
[ Queen Padmé Amidala of the Naboo (Star Wars Ep. 1, played by Tiffany Alvord) is in a corridor with the young Obi-Wan Kenobi and his jedi mentor ( Qui-Gon Jinn ) guarding her with light sabers. On the ends there are two armored but unarmed Klingon warriors (Star Trek), Worf and Gowron, who fight against a metric ton of "throwaway" lightsabered jedi warriors who rush from the middle to try to take the malevolent Klingons out of the equation somehow. The Klingons have immense strength, agility, and stamina, and use basic and advanced martial arts tactics: kicking the jedis in the crotch; poking their eyes out, stabbing them with their own lightsabers, pushing them onto each other's laser swords in cascade, etc.
Eventually the lesser Jedis are all dead or wounded, and the Klingons rush towards the trio screaming battle cries. The queen looks startled and frightened while Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are trying to prepare tensely and without much hope to win.
The queen's face becomes tense and focused, she pulls two small crossbows from her waist, looks to her right, aims, and shoots an arrow at the Klingon warrior's forehead; then she turns her head to the left, aims and shoots. The crossbows' arrows pass through the two Klingons' warriors foreheads, who quickly faint and fall forward, dead.
The two Jedis protagonists are relieved, laugh, disable their lightsabers' laser blades, high five and huggle the queen. The queen smiles, hands them the crossbows to study and each jedi examines his crossbow, discussing them with the queen.
A tagline appears on the screen as a mock commercial:
“PersonalQrossBow's 2-in-1 Pocketbow kit. Why not have both?”
( see this.) ]
What Wayne and Garth think
[ The actors of Worf and Gowron rise from their place. Tiffany Alvord is smiling relieved and shakes the hands of the 4 male actors and hugs them compassionately. Natalie Portman (= the director) does the same. ]
[ Split frame with Wayne and Garth sitting in an untidy room next to a computer screen. They are the plot programmers. ]
[ Tiffany looks angry, crosses her hands and glances at Natalie with disapproval. ]
[ Fluttershy is seen flying, using a machine gun to shoot at a terrified Rainbow Dash who just robbed a bank, and trying to shoot back at Fluttershy using a smaller one hand gun. As she leaves the frame, Fluttershy stops and winks at the camera. ]
[ TODO: add still from toward the end of Bad Blood. ]
[ Natalie Portman is resentful and disappointed. Tiffany is smiling from Schadenfreude. ]
[ The 5 main actors and Natalie seem contemplative. ]
The film crew disassembles
[ All the film personnel in the filming room sigh and shake their head. ]
[ Tiffany has already taken off the Queen Padmé outfit and is wearing a T-shirt and jeans. ]
[ Fluttershy gasps. ]
[ Fluttershy is relieved ; Rainbow Dash extends her tongue towards her.
Tiffany pats both their heads one by one. ]
[ They leave the frame.
Fade to black.
Message on the screen: "To be continued… Be a hero." ]
[ Note that I am offering up to 3,000 USD for a video version of the first stanza which can be either animated or live action, and whose quality I am happy with. ]
[ Despite what the screenplay jokes, Alvord is my first choice to play the Selinaverse's Padmé, because she has much better Internet Read/Write web/ web 2.0 presence than Portman, which is essential for the future screenplays. I wouldn't mind Lucas codirecting or coproducing this series in effect, but Portman seems better somehow. ]