Queen Amidala vs. The Klingon Warriors

About this screenplay

Objective

[ An illustrated screenplay crossing Star Wars Ep. I, the original Star Wars trilogy, the Selinaverse (itself crossing Star Trek TNG/DS9, Buffy, Judaism, Israel, Objectivism, etc.) the real world online/offline life in 2010s/2020s, Wayne's World, Spaceballs, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

It aims to launch the "Queen Padmé Tales" web series ( whose format is modelled loosely after Ox Tales ). It stars Tiffany Alvord as Queen Padmé Amidala of the Naboo, and aims to be codirected and costarred by Natalie Portman. More ambitiously it aims to pave way for commercial crossover / RPF fanart, help reverse copyright maximalism and convert Hollywood and the film industry at large to the open/free/amateur model ( see my essay “Commercial Real Person Fan Fiction (RPFs), crossovers and parodies as 2021 geek/hacker imperatives for revitalising the film industry” ).

We may not succeed, but at least we're going to try.

This screenplay is not written in the Hollywood blessed format because good hackers (= resourceful and rule bending heroes) which include the talented actors and actresses in this film can withstand reading a raw and non-CSS-styled XHTML5 file. That - and hackers like me do not have the time to massage a screenplay into Hollywood's whimsical format only to be rejected, rinse and repeat. ]

Licence

[ Emblem: Shlomi Fish’s EvilPHish Emblem

This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish , 2020 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by) (or at your option - any later version). ]

Dedication

[ The Dedication: Photo of Christina Grimmie

This story is dedicated to the memory of Christina Grimmie (1994-2016), a remarkable singer and youtuber, who was killed at age 22 by a fan who was obsessed with her, and who almost immediately committed suicide himself.

For what I consider her Magnus Opus see her original "Feelin' Good" song and videoclip whose message I believe is:

Be confident. Do the best you can given the time frame. It doesn't have to be perfect. You are allowed to be wrong and say wrong things that you think will still impress people. Try to learn from your mistakes, encourage the critics and try to improve, but realise that some people will always be unhappy and hold you liable for your past opinions, past mistakes, past failures, opinions that they disagree with, your non-normative behaviour, your qualities (age, gender, country, city, ethnicity, religion, ideology, beliefs, wealth, image, personality, cultural tastes, etc.) and your works.

You will likely "fail" to become the "next biggest thing". Hoever, even if you do fail, you can at least fail "in style", and inspire or help even just one person.

Always remember: you are awesome. You can become more awesome, regardless of any "IQ" myths. But you may one day "lose" to someone less qualified than you. That's OK - you can learn from a lost fight and make a comeback. Frankly, heroes do not die ("reputationally" at least) - they accumulate.

As the Indiana Jones' gun vs. sword scene shows, if something takes too long or seems too risky, then think outside the box, challenge the invisible rules, "hack" something, or even temporarily or permanently give up. There's more than one way to do it (even in maths and when writing Python code) and different people like different things.

(Also see If— by Rudyard Kipling which has a similar message, and is the most favourite poem among British citizens, a favourite among Israelis, was Ayn Rand’s favourite, and mine.) ]

“Plan to throw one away”

Filming Version 0.2.x

[ Black screen.

Logo: Tacos with many toppings

Initial Credits. ]

[ Queen Padmé Amidala of the Naboo (Star Wars Ep. 1, played by Tiffany Alvord) is in a corridor with the young Obi-Wan Kenobi and his jedi mentor ( Qui-Gon Jinn ) guarding her with light sabers. On the ends there are two armoured but unarmed Klingon warriors (Star Trek), Worf and Gowron, who fight against a metric ton of “throwaway” lightsabered jedi warriors who rush from the middle to try to take the malevolent Klingons out of the equation somehow. The Klingons have immense strength, agility, and stamina, and use basic and advanced martial arts tactics: kicking the jedis in the crotch; poking their eyes out, stabbing them with their own lightsabers, pushing them onto each other's laser swords in cascade, etc.

Eventually the lesser jedis are all dead or wounded, and the Klingons rush towards the trio screaming battle cries. The queen looks startled and frightened while Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are trying to prepare tensely and without much hope to win.

The queen's face becomes tense and focused, she pulls two small crossbows from her waist, looks to her right, aims, and shoots an arrow at the Klingon warrior's forehead; then she turns her head to the left, aims and shoots. The crossbows' arrows pass through the two Klingons' warriors foreheads, who quickly faint and fall forward, dead.

The two jedis protagonists are relieved, laugh, disable their lightsabers' laser blades, high five and huggle the queen. The queen smiles, hands them the crossbows to study and each jedi examines his crossbow, discussing them with the queen.

A tagline appears on the screen as a mock commercial:

“PersonalQrossBow's 2-in-1 Pocketbow kit. Why not have both?”

( See this for the “Porque no los dos?” / “Why not have both?” meme from the taco commercial. ) ]

What Wayne and Garth think

Natalie Portman's voice from behind: and — cut! Great job everyone!

[ The actors of Worf and Gowron rise from their place. Tiffany Alvord is smiling, relieved, and shakes the hands of the 4 male actors and hugs them compassionately. Natalie Portman (= the director, and the actress who had played Queen Padmé Amidala in the original Star Wars prequel trilogy) enters the frame, and does the same. ]

Natalie: [to Tiffany] I knew you had it in you. [They hug].

Wayne's voice from a different frame: Dude, this sucks!

[ Split frame with Wayne and Garth (from Wayne’s World) sitting in an untidy room next to a computer screen. They are the plot programmers. ]

Wayne: …I left you alone asking you to write a draft for a feature about ethical hacking for PBS, and you come up with this??!

Garth: What's wrong with it?

Wayne: It's the old missile-vs-melee paradigm! Thrown in a Star Wars / Star Trek crossover and "girl power" and stuff. Every 2nd-class fan fic writer could have written it in three days!

Garth: Took me less than an hour, after lunch, before playing Dwarf Fortress…

Wayne: Beginners' luck, I guess.

Wayne: Anyway, who's gonna play the Queen? Natalie Portman?

Garth: nah… we asked her and she wanted too much money. So we went with Tiffany Alvord, man!

[ Tiffany looks angry, crosses her hands and glances at Natalie with disapproval. ]

Wayne: Dude, are you freaking kidding me? She's like the Fluttershy of YouTube musicians. Do you ever see Fluttershy using a machine gun?

[ Fluttershy is seen flying, using a machine gun to shoot at a terrified Rainbow Dash who just robbed a bank, and trying to shoot back at Fluttershy using a smaller one hand gun. As she leaves the frame, Fluttershy pauses and winks at the camera. ]

Wayne: Next thing you tell me, Taylor Swift can get away with being shown laying waste to a whole city in a videoclip.

Garth: but, but…

[ Still from toward the end of Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood videoclip: Taylor Swift and friends still from Bad Blood ]

Wayne: no "but"s, Garth, dude.

Wayne: OK, enough about the Queen, who's the director? Is it going to be George Lucas?

Garth: nah, he also ended up wanting too much. We ended up hiring Natalie Portman instead.

[ Natalie Portman is resentful and disappointed. Tiffany is smiling from Schadenfreude. ]

Wayne: OK, not ideal but we can work with that.

Wayne: Anyway, you do realise that one of these "throwaway" jedi knights could just hurl his lightsaber at the Klingon warrior’s throat like a spear, right?

[ The 5 main actors and Natalie seem contemplative. ]

Garth: ah… didn't think about it.

Wayne: we can use that to our advantage. Let me tell you, plot programming could use some code review too. You could have requested this on Internet forums before you started playing Dwarf Fortress.

Garth: dude, you're right!

Wayne: let's rework the plot together. What you did is not too bad for a beginner and I believe in delegating responsibility and decision-making, But we can do a better ethical hacking film.

The film crew disassembles

[ All the film personnel in the filming room sigh and shake their head. ]

Natalie: sorry, everybody… [looks at Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash who float in mid-air peacefully] and everypony.

Rainbow Dash: No worries, Nat! We can make the scene at least 100% more awesome.

Natalie: Right, Rainbow Dash [she pats her head.]. OK, everyone, we need to wait for the plot programmers to write the new version. We may still be able to reuse some of the filmed material, but we're probably going to have a lot of work to do.

Natalie: In the meanwhile, get changed to normal clothes, go home, and I’ll give you guys 3 day notices on all the relevant electronic media. Sorry.

Natalie: Oh, and happy Hanukkah!

[ Tiffany has already taken off the Queen Padmé outfit and is wearing a T-shirt and jeans. ]

Tiffany: the outfit was itchy.

Natalie: mine was too back when I had to wear it for the Star Wars prequels.

Natalie: Anyway, can I invite you to lunch?

Tiffany: Sure! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!

[ Fluttershy gasps. ]

Tiffany: It's just an expression, Flutteroo! I'm not that crazy.

[ Fluttershy is relieved ; Rainbow Dash extends her tongue towards her.

Tiffany pats both their heads one by one. ]

Natalie: What do you want to eat?

Tiffany: I think I'll have some noodles.

Natalie: No problem! I know a nice general café/restaurant just across the road, with a large selection of noodles' dishes. Probably not authentic, but good enough for a Westerner.

Natalie: as for me, I think I ate too much at breakfast, so I think I'll have a juice or a soda. Or both, heh.

Tiffany: which ones?

Natalie: I'll just go down the waitors' recommendations heh. Oh - and I wanna have some Latkes!

Tiffany: oh, I want some Latkes too…

[ They leave the frame.

Fade to black.

Message on the screen: "To be continued… Be a hero." ]

Commission Pledge

[ Note that I am offering up to 3,000 USD for a video version of the first stanza, which can be either animated or live action, and whose quality I am happy with. ]

[ Despite what the screenplay jokes about, Tiffany Alvord is my first choice to play the Selinaverse's Padmé, in part because she has much better Internet Read/Write Web, Web 2.0 / social media presence than Natalie Portman does at present (which Portman may or may not opt to remedy), and which is essential for the future screenplays.

I wouldn’t mind George Lucas codirecting or coproducing this series in effect, but Portman seems better as a codirector (including as a presumed one). ]

Ethical Hacking Version

Peaceful Resolution

[ The filming set. ]

Natalie: everyone in position…and - action!

[ Worf and Gowron growl. The two closest jedi knights quickly pull two black blasters and aim them at the Klingons; Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon do the same. ]

The Jedi Knights: hands up!

[ The Klingons comply. ]

Queen Padmé: [using her smartphone as a loud speaker.] Dear Klingon sirs… what did you intend to do?

Worf: we were hired to kill you and our plan has failed. We thought using missiles would be too cowardly.

Worf: Nevertheless…it is against the Klingon ethos to retreat from a battle nonvictorious, so please kill us now, and if you wish, torture us beforehand.

[ Worf and Gowron close their eyes. Padmé sighs. ]

Padmé: OK… let's suppose - for the sake of argumentation - that my jedi knights and I have killed you (or slain you), that you have died (or admitted you were wrong), and were reborn. Will this be acceptable?

[ Worf and Gowron smile, then laugh, open their eyes and are relieved. ]

Gowron: you were a truly worthy opponent, your majesty! What should we do next?

Padmé: [uses her smartphone. Shows Darth Vader on the screen] Hey uncle Vader! Guess what? We found the assassins and they have been slain and reborn. We're going to chat with them and get some "intel" out about their clients. But tell aunt Liz to be the ceremonial female royal in the jedi tournament instead of me.

Vader: sure thing, Padpad! May the force be with you.

[ They end the video-chat. ]

Padmé: [to Worf and Gowron] OK, you seem to be noble and think highly of me now. What prompted you to attempt to assassinate me?

Worf: we accumulated debt… wine, song and the wrong kind of women. So Gowron and I started a side-business as mercenaries. We were offered a large amount of money to assassinate you, which we accepted after reading your Wikipedia page, which gave us the impression that you were some kind of power, fame, and money hungry politician, tyrant, and celebrity.

Padmé: A power, fame, and money hungry politician, tyrant, and celebrity? Why, thank you!

[ They laugh. ]

Padmé: OK, seriously now: I had my share of frustrations from that page, which is kind of a "can't see the forest from the trees" syndrome, and being a royal doesn't help (and I'll gladly pass the crown to someone I can trust, but nobody volunteered so far.)

Padmé: Anyway, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon will escort you to the palace's café where you can find an open wifi, some tablets, a screen, and a digital video camera, and can order free food.

Padmé: Please give them the identity of your client - both for my own good, as I have likely been doing something wrong, and for your client's.

Padmé: Once you arrive at the café, I suggest you start reading my bio on my personal website and my FAQ.

[ Rainbow Dash and Big Mac materialise out of thin air carrying large blasters. ]

Rainbow Dash: We'll make sure they do not leave the palace's premises!

Big Mac: ayyup!

Padmé: Oh Lord! Are you trying to scare people with these blasters though?

Gowron: Rainbow, Big Mac: to quote Kahless the Unforgettable: “Only the most timid of warriors shall attempt to evade an opportunity of peaceful enlightenment.”. We have no intention to escape, and surely you can outrun… or outfly us.

[ Note: I (= Shlomi Fish) made up this Kahless quote. ]

Rainbow Dash: Fair enough. Discord, please take care of these blasters.

[ Discord appears, snaps his fingers and converts Rainbow Dash's and Big Mac's blasters into a Mirror Dice -like ornament. ]

Discord: These will look great on my new podracer.

[ He flies in a podracer not unlike the Star Wars Ep. 1's Anakin Skywalker's podracer , with scarves and sunglasses similar to Thelma & Louise, does a U-turn, and leaves the frame. ]

Padmé: Well, I need to go to my room and change. This ceremonial robe is itchy. I'm going to need one of you jedi knights' gentlemen to escort me. I have my own blaster here, but still will need a body guard in the unlikely case that there are going to be more assassins.

At the café

[ Worf, Gowron, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Big Mac and Rainbow Dash are at the café. Worf and Gowron are reading Padmé’s FAQ on tablets, and are laughing and discussing it with the others. Worf is wearing glasses.

Padmé approaches them wearing a captioned T-shirt, trousers, and a medallion made out of copper or similar, escorted by her jedi-knight-acting bodyguard. ]

Padmé: [to the bodyguard] Thanks! Good luck in the tournament. [He waves and Padmé waves back.]

[ He walks away. Padmé sits down. ]

Padmé: hi, sorry it took me so long - I have too much to wear…

Worf: hah! I thought I'll never hear a lady say that!

Padmé: yes, well: I have this offer where people can ask me to buy one T-shirt/etc. for them and one for myself if I like the design in their link. And I often do, and I hate to disappoint them, so…

Worf: well, frankly you look both more dashing and more authoritative now than in that ridiculous ceremonial robe! Heh…

Gowron: I agree!

Padmé: thank you! On the other hand, most jedis (both men and women) like their uniforms… misery!

Gowron: really? How so?

Qui-Gon: well, they are comfortable, and fairly functional, and have a cool retro look… and they sort of convey authority.

Obi-Wan: Chicks love them too!

[ They laugh. ]

Worf: How many girls do you need?

Obi-Wan: One too many obviously!

Qui-Gon: I suggest you take the fifth!

Obi-Wan: you think I have five girlfriends?

Gowron: Or more!

[ They laugh. ]

Worf: Anyway… back to business: your majesty, your FAQ is incredibly funny.

Padmé: yes, well… it is mostly written seriously. [She seems unhappy.]

Worf: well, its comedic effect may indicate it is more true.

Padmé: yes… anyway, how much money do you owe - and to whom?

Gowron: Well, we jointly owe Robandy of the Orion syndicate 220 thousand dollars. He erased our bet deficit at Quark’s in exchange for a one time interest.

Padmé: 220,000 USD? Are you kidding? It is pocket change for me. I can SWIFT you 3 millions dollars to erase the bet, and have a fresh start.

Worf: As a loan?

Padmé: Nah… as a present. I dislike keeping track of loans in my head. These things tend to bounce back anyway (unfortunately for me and my increasing positive bank balance).

Padmé: Please promise that you'll try to avoid getting drunk in the future, though. There are fruit juices, there are carbonated beverages, there are syrups… teas and infusions… malt beers… they may cloud your judgement a bit, but not enough to go into debt.

Gowron: Thank you, your majesty! This is especially noble of you given we just tried to kill you. But following his return, Kahless did quote other fine warriors that "an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind".

Gowron: I've emailed you our SWIFT details.

Padmé’s Frustrations With her Life

Padmé: I should note that I was less lucky at being unlucky at Quark’s.

Obi-Wan: you mean… you tried to lose money?

Padmé: Yeah… first I tried to make the most atrociously atrocious predictions at his "Stock Exchange of The Profiles" and… most of them materialised.

[ Obi-Wan smiles. ]

Padmé: Then I tried Dabo, a game of pure chance as the computer cannot read my mind, am I right? I tried to lose, and… I've won.

Gowron: Sounds like you have Midas' Golden Touch, your majesty!

Padmé: Yes, only at this rate, I'll turn my firstborns into gold too!

Gowron and Worf: hah hah… [they gently pat Padmé’s shoulders.]

Padmé: Anyway, the other gamblers quickly followed my lead, so Quark lost a lot of money that day. I felt sorry for him, so I volunteered to offset his losses as a gift. Then people on social media and mainstream media accused me of being addicted to gambling. I am not, but I decided to avoid that just to please them.

Worf: You should not care that much about what other people say about you.

Padmé: maybe…

Worf: And why do you care that your positive bank balance is high? A First World problem, hah!

Padmé: Well, while I'm not a Christian, I kinda agree that "blessed are the poor", and that the more money you have, the more people are jealous of you, and resent you. And there is little of value you can do with it.

How the assassination was foiled

How the assassination was foiled: Part 1

Padmé: I should note that that was the first attempt to assassinate me, and your wives turned you in many days ago, and cooperated with the Selinaverse's intelligence community.

Gowron: Wow! We thought we could trust them…

Worf: we can… that is why they turned us in.

Padmé: Exactly, after the news broke out that an assassination attempt is upcoming, the whole multiverse was abuzz. Luckily, most laymen were not informed on the exact identity of the assassins, though there were many speculations.

Padmé: We tightened security, equipped all jedi guards with blasters, and I had to get a blaster licence myself. All those hours playing Duck Hunt with my cousins and friends have paid off… heh.

Gowron: We're sorry, your majesty…

Padmé: no worries… it was actually quite exciting. "War is good for business; peace is good for business." like The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition go.

Guards for Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle

Worf: Speaking of guards, Rainbow Dash: can you tell us why Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle does not have guards as opposed to Celestia's and Luna's?

[ Twilight Sparkle appears out of thin air. ]

Twilight Sparkle: Hi Commander Worf! Big fan!

Worf: Likewise, your highness!

Padmé: [frustrated] Twilie!

Twilight Sparkle: heh heh… anyway, there has been interest by someponies in becoming guards at my castle, but I'll need to fulfil so many prerequisites: define patrol routes, anti-discrimination hiring policies, wage rates, code of conduct, uniforms’ design, vacation days and holidays, catering, dental…

Gowron: hah! If I may interrupt you, your highness… even Queen Elizabeth II does not bring her ridiculous guards to weddings she attends in Manchester. If someone tries to assassinate you, you have been doing something wrong.

Gowron: You can say that volunteers may patrol your castle voluntarily, and request as much money as they wish after giving their reports, and you'll give them as much as you think they deserve.

Twilight Sparkle: I guess you're right. That will simplify matters considerably.

Padmé’s Frustrations With her Love Life

Padmé: Oh, Worf, Gowron, your wives messaged me saying that although they are emotionally still mad at you, they have rationally forgiven you and say they love you and are glad no one got hurt.

Worf: Thank you all! We are almost worthy of them.

Gowron: Speaking of significant others: what can you tell us about yours?

Padmé: well, his name is Anakin Skywalker. People rant about him all over the social media: "why is he white?"; "why isn't he Jewish?"; "why isn't he a Naboo citizen?"; "why is he a Terran?". At least nobody suggests that I date a girl, or a kangaroo or Jar Jar Binks or complains about the fact that he is about my age, or whatever.

Padmé: The worst part about him is that after we both got our Computer Science B.Sc's, he decided to go to jedi school, and he's been stuck there for over 2 years now, and he's become so busy that he started taking our relationship for granted.

Gowron: Jedi-training programs can reportedly be completed in under a year [Qui-Gon nods], and it is a crime to take a relationship with a beautiful warrior such as yourself for granted! You have your needs, for one…

Padmé: Oh, I have my needs all-right! Only my physical needs are not a problem…

[ The ponies say "Ooh!" and then start chuckling. ]

Padmé: Knock it off, you three!

[ The ponies laugh, take out smartphones, and use them to tweet. ]

Padmé: Anyway, the problem is my spiritual needs: talking, going on dates, geeking out together.

Padmé: As it stands, he has become incredibly terse even in our online messaging conversations.

Worf: Your majesty, would you like to make that part off-the-record?

Padmé: off-the-record? Fuck that! I want the whole world and their sister-in-law to know that while I ostensibly have a boyfriend, and I still love him, he is not giving me sufficient attention.

Gowron: [cheers for Padmé] your Majesty, sounds like you need to honestly confront him, and give him an ultimatum.

Padmé: Perhaps…

About Worf and Gowron

Padmé: Well, let's talk about you. Mr. Worf, you had an illustrious career as a UFP Star Fleet officer, while Mr. Gowron was a Chancellor of the Klingon High Council. Now you are family men, and also Mixed martial arts (MMA) fighters who together or individually hold several galactical records.

Worf: yes, do note that it is a step sideways, because we just needed a change. We might return or wage war in altogether different ways.

Padmé: sure, even my grandparents, the king of Naboo, and his wife (who is a Jewess by blood, and the reason I am Jewish too) retired about 29 years ago.

Padmé: anyway, can you give any MMA fighting tips?

Gowron: Well, Worf and I are still figuring out the rules… the guidelines! … as we run into them, heh.

Gowron: But here is some advice: try to know (= be educated/entertained) your opponent. Before the fight, we invite them for a drink and talk about stuff we both like: video shows, comics, films, literature, software development (a bottomless pit, I admit), Internet memes, songs, etc. We want to get them to like us and vice versa, and develop a general fuzzy model of their personality.

Gowron: Muhammad Ali, who was a great warrior in his day, reportedly said “My toughest fight was with my first wife.”, and we suspect it was because he ended up taking her too much for granted.

Gowron: Anyway, if they seem certain they will win, we cancel the fight, because it'd be too risky. If they are convinced they will lose, we try to tell them there is still a chance, however small, that they will win, and they actually do on rare occasions.

Gowron: ( If they think either of us may win, then it's all good, hah! )

Gowron: We then watch some of their latest martial arts fights - often with them overlooking.

Inviting the Assassins' Wives

Padmé: I should note that I invited your wives, to help me beta test a new clothes selector product by me giving them clothes.

Worf: yes, they complain that they don't have enough to wear.

Padmé: Yes, it is really Sabrina-style. I was offered early access and accepted, and ended up finding a few bugs. They were fixed.

Worf: Heh, nice. Did you get paid for that?

Padmé: Well… if I get paid, commentators complain; if I pay, commentators complain; if it's a free gift, they also complain.

Twilight Sparkle: You can never please everypony!

Big Mac: ayyup!

Gowron: Story of my life… of everypony's, heh.

Going to eat

Worf: Hey, I'm getting hungry.

[ Everyone else: "yeah, let's eat." ]

Worf: Given her majesty was the victim, she gets to choose the restaurant.

Padmé: Well, I don't think you'll like our non-Authentic Klingon food, but how about non-Authentic Pizza? The actress who plays me is obsessed with Pizza.

Worf: Sure, we like Pizza too.

Padmé: Then I know many good Pizza outlets. One of them is a walk away. And we can use the exercise.

Padmé: Do note that as far as I, and Naboo's law, are concerned, everything I said and was recorded here is CC-zero / public domain. We'll send you two a copy of the recording.

Worf: Thank you!

Padmé: yes, eat, drink, and be happy, for tomorrow I need to be the ceremonial female in the female jedis' tournament. The Selinaverse's security community recommended they also be equipped with blasters.

Obi-Wan: hawt!

Padmé: yeah - well the pen is mightier than the bow. I probably have been doing some things wrong.

Padmé: and Obi-Wan, you probably noticed them bitching about the whole situation, online.

Obi-Wan: I did, yes. Wow! And I thought my (one and only, hah!) girlfriend was bad. Do note, however that I kind-of am attracted to the bitching type. One of my many kinks. While my friends are attracted to everything that moves, I see no reason to limit myself. [Reference]

A Hacky Ending

[ Padmé is watching a public video message from Worf and Gowron on her Desktop Linux system. ]

Worf: Greetings Queen Padmé Amidala of the Naboo! It turns out failing to assassinate you has had a much better financial outcome for us than if we'd have succeeded. Aside from your preliminary gift, we got so much publicity, and made a lot of money from relicensing pledges, merchandise, selling higher quality media, and interviews / collabs [Reference]. The publicity has been good as well.

Worf: Anyway, we respected your wish to help sustain your bank balance, but we donated to some charities that you endorse. And we always can be reached - whether online or offline - either by you, or by anybody else.

Worf: Keep The Faith!

[ The video completes playing. Padmé "likes" it and posts a brief "Thank you! ♥!" reply. ]

Padmé: Computer: voice bank balance offset since before the monetary gift to Worf and Gowron.

Computer: Offset is a positive 12.7 million U.S. Dollars

Padmé: rats!

Jadzia Dax's Voice: [Note: Jadzia is Worf's wife in the Selinaverse, and was invited by Padmé to help offset her wardrobe ] Hey, Padmé, which dress should I take from these two?

[ Padmé heads over. ]

Padmé: “Porque no los dos?” Take them both… I still love both, but will gladly give both away precisely because of that.

Image Credits

[ * EvilPHish emblem by UserFriendly.org

* Photo of Christina Grimmie from the Wikipedia by Justin Higuchi

* Tacos photo by jeffreyw

* Bad Blood videoclip by Taylor Swift ]

Queen Padmé and Real-Life Friends Celebs Plant Trees in Planet Spaceball

About this screenplay

Objective

[ An illustrated screenplay crossing Star Wars Ep. I, the original Star Wars trilogy, the Selinaverse (itself crossing Star Trek TNG/DS9, Buffy, Judaism, Israel, Objectivism, etc.) the real world online/offline life in 2010s/2020s, Spaceballs, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Licence

[ Emblem: Shlomi Fish’s EvilPHish Emblem

This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish , 2020 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by) (or at your option - any later version). ]

Dedication

[ The Dedication:

This story is dedicated to the memory of Samantha Smith ( 1972-1985 ), who bravely, naïvely, and "crazily" cemented the end of the Cold War as set forth by Sesame Street and The Muppet Show and materialised Isaiah's over 2,000 years old joke/story/exaggeration/entertainment/exaltation (while being female for extra comedy/"seriousness" effect). ]

Helping Planet Spaceball

[ Black screen.

Logo: Tacos with many toppings

Initial Credits. ]

[ Queen Padmé Amidala of the Naboo (Star Wars Ep. 1, played by Tiffany Alvord) sits in her office next to a desktop PC running GNU/Linux. She sets up a video conference with President Skroob (sitting) and Dark Helmet (standing). ]

Dark Helmet: hail Skroob!

[ The three including Padmé do the Spaceballs hand gesture and laugh. ]

Padmé: Hey there! What's new?

Skroob: Hello again, Paddy! Our planet has accepted an oxygation offer from the Q continuum, but we wish to stabilise the Oxygen levels so we've initiated enforestation efforts around Planet Spaceball.

Padmé: That's great! Do you need money?

Dark Helmet: Money? We got lots of money! We don't need your money! You don't have to give us any of your stinkin' money!

[ Padmé laughs. Reference. ]

Skroob: Seriously now, Padmé: we need volunteers to plant trees and we can even pay them. What will be appreciated is your friends and you setting up an example.

Padmé: Taytay-style!

Dark Helmet: Precisely, but I suggest you do it your way; that is: in your own quirky, geeky, and imperfect way.

Dark Helmet: Where do you want to start? (Shows a map of Earth's continents.)

Padmé: Hmmm... how about Southern Spain. Will you take my word as a non-Español?

Skroob: Of course, some of my best friends are not Español. [Reference: "The Princess Bride"]

Padmé: Excellent! I'll invite some Internet friends (and foes!).

Padmé: Hail Fluttershy!

Skroob and Dark Helmet: Hail Fluttershy!

Fluttershy: [She gently enters the frame.] Hail me! [She giggles. Inspired by To Be or Not to Be (1942 film)]

The Tree Planters Sergeant

The Demotivating Speech

[ "Sarge" is a Spanish-speaking and English-speaking man and speaks in a (possibly fake) Spanish accent. He is the leader/organiser of the Tree Planters celeb troops. ]

Sarge: Hello, losers! You are the worst of the worst! The bottom of the barrel! The face that sank a thousand battleships. You are geeky, immature, fame-hungry, attention whoring, amateur, parasite, think-you're-so-sexy, "celebrities", "creators", new age philosophers / educators / entertainers.

Sarge: I hate your guts. You guys suck! Do you understand that?

The Troop: [in unison] Yes sir, we suck sir!

Sarge: Good! Realising you were an idiot is an easy problem to fix! So you immediately have one less problem. So how many problems do you have now, eh, soldiers?

The Troop: 98 problems, sir!

Sarge: Great! You might be parasites, but at least you can perform basic arithmetics!

Sarge: Let's get it straight: while you are volunteers, can leave everytime, are dressed in casual clothes, and can and often must refuse superior orders, and you will be housed in comfortable housing with good privacy - you are still soldiers! That means you should aim to not only do a good job, but the best job you can! Rosh gadol (= "big-minded") like our Israeli brothers-in-arm would say, and which, despite common misconception, was also likely implemented in Nazi Germany despite their insistence on following orders (but often to awful consequences).

Sarge: That doesn't mean you shouldn't "hack". On the contrary: know your strengths and weaknesses, ask others for help, think outside the box, be resourceful, and aim to be the best you can given the time.

Sarge: Note: you have my contact info and you have brought portable computers, smartphones, or other devices, to your rooms. If you face a dilemma on any topic whatsoever (even if not related to planting trees) then join a chat room for our troop, or even message me in private. ( “He who saves a single soul has saved the world entire”/etc.)

Sarge: We may be losers, but at least we lose spectacularly, and might "win" 1 out of 5 battles, and do not want our fellow losers to lose. This is whether because we made them fail, or because we didn't comment on what we considered their bad tactic or strategy in time (regardless of how silly or wrong we thought our feedback is).

Shlomi Fish Introducing Himself

Sarge: Anyway, enough with putting you down.

Sarge: Mr. Shlomi Fish a.k.a "Rindolf"!

shlomif: At your service, sergeant!

Sarge: So… Mr. Fish… is "Shlomi Fish" your real name?

shlomif: As real as it gets among Jewish Israelis, sir.

Sarge: Do you expect me to believe you?

shlomif: I do not care what a fellow human believes or suspects, sir. Just what they do, or to a lesser extent - say.

Let's Take It Over With

About this screenplay

Objective

[ An illustrated screenplay crossing Star Wars Ep. I, the original Star Wars trilogy, the Selinaverse (itself crossing Star Trek TNG/DS9, Buffy, Judaism, Israel, Objectivism, etc.) the real world online/offline life in 2010s/2020s, Spaceballs, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Licence

[ Emblem: Shlomi Fish’s EvilPHish Emblem

This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish , 2020 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by) (or at your option - any later version). ]

Dedication

[ The Dedication:

To my watchers, including (I think) Emma Watson, and Melissa Joan Hart ( Reference ) who have tolerated my mismanagement as a false prophet. God turned out to be much smarter than I believed. ]

Main scene

Mystery Woman for Naboo's Crown

[ Padmé is sitting in her office next to her desktop computer. ]

Receptionist on a popup window: Your majesty, Ms. Emma Watson is here and wishes to see you.

Padmé: please send her in.

[ Padmé looks at a mirror on her desk, and does some last-minute facial-looks arrangements.

Emma Watson enters the frame. ]

Padmé: hi Emma!

Emma Watson: good morning, Padmé!

Padmé: so, Emma, what brings you to Naboo?

Emma Watson: I want to destroy you!

Padmé: eh… what?!

Emma Watson: I am running "Madame Y Not" a.k.a "Madame Not Y" to Naboo's crown.

Padmé: is she a citizen of Naboo?

Emma Watson: she claims she is.

Padmé: I don't presume these are her real names.

Emma Watson: They are not.

Padmé: Sounds fishy.

[ Cut to the office of Daniel, Padmé's cousin and legal advisor. ]

Daniel: I'm afraid to say that running a mystery woman, who claims to be a citizen of Naboo, is possible under the current bylaws. This is one case where I wish the law will be amended, even though Padmé and I are passionate about trimming Naboo's bylaws from superfluous regulations.

Padmé: well, I'm running for the crown again.

Emma Watson: and I'm starting my campaign with the slogan "Queen Padmé royally sucks! Vote 'Madame Y Not'!"

Padmé: [softly, and mostly to herself] Why does this shit keep happening to me?

Campaigning

[ Showing Emma Watson’s Twitter page. ]

Padmé: Emma has been posting many repetitive posts for “Madame Y Not”’s campaign, which has attracted quite a few social media trolls, and made many people un-follow her.

Padmé: Given it is a very irrational course of action, we should get her health diagnosis.

Emma Watson's Health Diagnosis

[ Showing the 1 kilometre high hospital building in Planet Trill.

Cut to a room there. Padmé, Julian Bashir, Jadzia Dax, Deanna Troi, and George the Cat are there. ]

Julian Bashir: well, Ms. Watson seems to be in perfect health physically, but her mind is possessed by a spirit.

Jadzia Dax: and it has a signature of the Beckyverse.

Deanna Troi: from what I can sense, that spirit is not malevolent, just cursed and feels scared and trapped.

Padmé: can we use technology to remove it?

George the Cat: Unfortunately, it is beyond the reach of even the Q Continuum. (Plot device!)

George the Cat: However, I suggest you consult Enyos of the Kalderash from the Beckyverse. He may have some insights about psychological exorcism.

Talk with Enyos

[ Padmé's computer says "Initiating Selinaverse⬄Beckyverse bridge" and after a while shows Enyos' face wearing a straw hat, and a smaller live recording of Emma Watson of the Beckyverse. ]

Padmé: hey, Enyos and Emma! Thanks for agreeing to talk with me on such a short notice.

Enyos: No problem, your majesty.

Emma Watson of the Beckyverse: yeah! I've been feeling the heat from the Selinaverse's Emma Watson too.

Padmé: OK, what do you suggest to do about the possessing spirit?

Enyos: Well, psychologically, a possession is not different from a natural but irrational obsession. An effective way of dealing with it is to prove to the obsessed that he or she cannot reasonably achieve what they wish.

Padmé: thank you, Enyos. By the way, I see you have a different hat this time.

Enyos: yes, I'm on vacation in Barbados - currently sitting in a local bar.

Padmé: Why aren't you speaking from a graveyard?

Enyos: heh, that's a custom that the Sisko would call 'past'.

Proving Padmé Will Probably Win

Emma Watson: Hey! Did you want to see me?

Padmé: Yes, Emma! See - we conducted an online poll using open source software with proved correctness and over 90 percent of Naboo's voters took part in it. Out of them, over 98% noted they intend to vote and vote for me.

Padmé: So the bottom line is that Madame Y Not is probably not going to be elected, barring demonic/etc. intervention.

The Possessing Spirit

Emma Watson: alright, alright, Madame Y Not a.k.a Madame Not Y, is not going to run for Naboo's crown.

[ An amorphous blob gets out of Emma Watson's body. Discord, dressed as Sherlock Holmes appears and cages it. ]

Emma Watson: oh my goodness,… What was happening to me? I wouldn't run a mystery woman for Naboo's crown… hell, on normal days I'll even refuse running for the UK or French parliaments.

[ Looks at the caged blob. ]

Emma Watson: What the hell is that?

Discord: elementary, Ms. Watson, my darling, elementary! [ He blows some bubbles out of a soap bubbles' pipe]

Emma Watson: pray continue with your narrative, Mr. Discord!

Discord: What we see here is a quad-thermal, meta-tachionic, temporally phenomenic, geodesic, tri-phasic…

Emma Watson: any idea what it all means?

Discord: not the slightest!

Discord: However, by applying a gentle electron shower, we get [the blob is reduced to reveal Pinkie Pie]… Pinkie Pie!

Pinkie Pie: Whoa! What happened? Wait… I recall taking a guided tour of the Beckyverse, then reading an ancient curse, and then:

Pinkie Pie: I possessed Emma Watson's body and… [starts crying] ran for Naboo's crown. [ She weeps. ]

[ Crying Pinkie Pie

( Crying Pinkie Pie. ) ]

[ Fluttershy emerges. ]

Fluttershy: oh, Pinkie, how could you?

Emma Watson: And that will teach me to not pick up books with strange glows from old book stores in London.

Padmé: Discord, was that your orchestration?

Discord: I'll take the fifth [counts only up to four using his 4 fingered palm.].

Padmé: OK, Emma, let me blog that the whole crisis is hopefully over; it harmed your online/offline presence more than it harmed Naboo, but it did uncover some loopholes in the Naboo policies.

Emma Watson: yeah! The sweet emerged from the mighty.

Padmé: okay, done. Given you are still in Naboo, is there anything you'd like to do?

Emma Watson: oh, I don't know. Maybe we can go to a convention: sci-fi/fantasy, software development, web-publishing.

Emma Watson: we can hit on a couple of men, hit those men, make out with these men, make love to these men, make love to each other, whatever floats our boats [Reference. ]

[ Padmé laughs, as Emma and she leave the frame. ]

Gul Dukat and Chris Grimmie Live on Meta-Planet-1

wrapper

[ The Death Star approaches Planet Naboo.

Split screen with Padmé to the left, and Gul Dukat and Chris Grimmie in the Death Star to the right. ]

Padmé: What the hell?

Grimmie: We're gonna destroy Naboo…

Padmé: but why?

Dukat: I owe the Bank of Naboo 5 USD.

Padmé: but…

[ The Death Star fires. The Laser rays bounce off between the surfaces of Naboo and the Death Star. A portal opens to Meta-Planet-1, a gigantic planet with a large audience of spectators covering its surface, and Naboo and the Death Star float in its air. ]

[ Dukat shows a 100 dollar bill. ]

Dukat: Welcome to the next logical step after Gul Dukat Live on Bajor.! "Gul Dukat live on Meta-Planet-1"! The lovely Chris Grimmie and I will start with a rock cover of Sesame Street's "What's The Name Of That Song?".

[ The rays start playing but then stop. ]

[ Split frame with Cookie Monster, Fluttershy, Discord, and Emma Watson - all wearing aprons, and baking cookies. ]

Cookie Monster: Greetings, Mr. Dukat! Me cookies be bothered by your loud noises [The cookie muppets muffle soft noises to voice their agreement with the protest.] So we prepared in advance an exact replica of Naboo without any living cells, and the same shape, and rays-deflecting behaviour. [Portal opens and the replica enters.]

Grimmie: Thank you, Cookie Monster! Happy baking, and feel free to listen to the concert.

Padmé: Thank you for solving the crisis.

Emma Watson: No worries, your majesty. Cookies Über alles!

Cookie Monster: Me gonna watch Dukat and Christina [the cookies prepare earphones/etc.].

Padmé: So will I.

[ The concert starts.

The upgraded Enterprise-D gets out of warp. William T. Riker and Gabriela Bee are on its bridge. ]

Gabriela Bee: we thought you guys could use some percussions.

[ The Enterprise emits drum sounds. Grimmie and the rest thumbs up. ]

[ Cut to view of Naboo's capital. Darth Vader is watching the concert streamed from the Internet. ]

Queen Padmé Tales: Nighttime Flight

About this screenplay

Objective

[ An illustrated screenplay crossing Star Wars Ep. I, the original Star Wars trilogy, the Selinaverse (itself crossing Star Trek TNG/DS9, Buffy, Judaism, Israel, Objectivism, etc.) the real world online/offline life in 2010s/2020s, Spaceballs, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Licence

[ Emblem: Shlomi Fish’s EvilPHish Emblem

This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish , 2020 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by) (or at your option - any later version). ]

Dedication

[ The Dedication: ]

Nighttime Flight

[ Black screen.

Logo: Tacos with many toppings

Initial Credits.

Note: it seems likely that this screenplay was inspired by the Muslim ascension to heaven story, but note that it is not meant to be Islamic canon, and may be a parody. Assuming the Salman Rushdie story about death threats against him is correct, please both cancel them and don't issue ones against me or anyone else. ]

[ Padmé is sleeping in her bed. Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle, materialize. ]

Twilight Sparkle: hey Padmé! Wake up!

Padmé: Hey guys!

Twilight Sparkle: Hop on Fluttershy and let's ride.

Padmé: She is far too small for that.

Twilight Sparkle: no worries.

[ Twilight Sparkle uses her magic horn to make Fluttershy larger, not unlike Disney's Hercules Pegasus.

Padmé mounts Fluttershy and the quartet flies away.

Twilight Sparkle opens a portal vortex and they fly through it into north-central Tel Aviv at daytime.

After flying for a while, Discord materialises. ]

Discord: unicorn pony magic does not work in the real world… [ he snaps his fingers and Fluttershy returns to her normal, smaller, size again] hah hah hah [ he dematerialises. ]

[ The three winged ponies fumble to prevent Padmé from falling to death. Eventually she falls onto a tent in Olamot Con, and descends to the ground unkempt, but mostly unharmed.

Padmé gets up only to see Shlomi Fish looking at her and the three ponies with interest. ]

Shlomi Fish: Padmé? How did you get from the Selinaverse to the real world? Anyway, nice to meet you [he extends his hand].

[ Padmé wakes up only to see Discord in front of her eyes. ]

Discord: boo!

[ Padmé screams and then wakes up again. ]

Padmé: oh shit!

Queen Padmé Tales: The Fifth Sith

About this screenplay

Objective

[ An illustrated screenplay crossing Star Wars Ep. I, the original Star Wars trilogy, the Selinaverse (itself crossing Star Trek TNG/DS9, Buffy, Judaism, Israel, Objectivism, etc.) the real world online/offline life in 2010s/2020s, Spaceballs, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

This screenplay is not written in the Hollywood blessed format because good hackers (= resourceful and rule bending heroes) who include the talented actors and actresses in this film, can withstand reading a raw and non-CSS-styled XHTML5 file. That - and hackers like me do not have the time to massage a screenplay into Hollywood’s whimsical format only to be rejected, rinse and repeat. ]

Licence

[ Emblem: Shlomi Fish’s EvilPHish Emblem

This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish , 2021 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by) (or at your option - any later version). ]

Main Scene

Anakin quitting jedi school

Criticising Anakin

[ Padmé is sitting in her office in the morning using a desktop Linux system. She is writing an E-mail to her boyfriend, Anakin Skywalker.

A male cat is lying above the keyboard. ]

Padmé: [in an E-mail] Anakin, to be frank, I am tired of you being so occupied with finishing that wretched jedi school, that you seem oblivious to yourself and everybody else in a truly self-harming way. Were you aware of the attempt to assassinate me? Or of the Naboo’s crown’s takeover attempt?

Padmé: They did suggest that I give you an ultimatum, so here it is: either you give me enough attention or we’ll part ways. I may record a heartache song or two ( Tiffany published her share of them so it won’t surprise too many ), but I’ll survive.

[ Padmé pauses. ]

Padmé’s Internal Dialogue: OK. Now calm down and do not send the email

[ The cat steps on the keyboard, resulting in keystroke noise.

Padmé sends the E-mail by accident. ]

Padmé: no!!.. Bad kitty!

[ She sends a short apology email saying "Sorry, Ani! I sent the last message by accident. Cat…". She receives a reply. ]

Anakin: To quote Master Oogway: "There are no accidents". I’m going to file an email of resignation. And that cat can trademark "ghhfnnneu" and sell it to Pokémon for mucho dinnaros.

Anakin: Anyway, if dating a jedi knight was a kink of yours, then I don’t mind us parting ways as a couple.

Padmé: Anakin: I have my share of kinks, but I wouldn’t mind dating a plain-and-non-jedi Anakin Skywalker. I’m going to ask Katie [= the name of a Q capable of teleportation.] to teleport you here.

[ She opens a videochat to Katie. ]

Padmé: Hey Katie! Can you bring my boyfriend, Anakin, here in about 10 minutes? He has quit jedi school.

Katie: Hey Padmé! Sure, I’ll get to it.

[ Cut.

Caption on the screen: “About 10 minutes later.”

Padmé gets out of her office to the corridor.

A portal opens and Anakin and Katie step out.

Anakin hugs Padmé . ]

Katie: ow.

Anakin becoming a sith

Anakin the jedi

[ Anakin and Padmé enter Darth Vader’s office.

Note: Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader are two different characters in this screenplay. ]

Anakin: Hey Uncle Vader! Per the emails exchange I sent you, I have decided that my relationship with Padmé and my other friends and my emotional well-being are more important than graduating from that cursed jedi school.

Anakin: So for now here is my lightsaber [hands it to Vader].

Vader: Keep it! It’s yours. Anakin, having read that exchange and having forwarded it to my jedi colleagues, both Master Yoda, and Emperor Palpatine have approved of you being graduated. The Jedi Council has also voted unanimously for that.

Vader: All of that is more than enough for you to receive your jedi qualification.

Anakin: Wow! Thanks! [ he hugs Padmé and they are happy. ]

Vader: Yes, we have received several similar reports about your school in the past, and so requested them to amend their scholastic environment.

Vader: That put aside, I have even better news… Anakin, you have become a sith! The fourth sith, in fact.

Yoda as a closet sith

Anakin: I’m the fourth sith? Who is the third, then?

[ Yoda appears on screen. ]

Yoda: the third sith is I. Created the legend of the Sith 2,000 years ago have I. Tweeted about it now too have I.

[ Tweet by @Yoda: “The third sith is I. Created the legend of the Sith 2,000 years ago have I. “Master Darth Yoda” call me you can. Or just plain “Yoda”.” ]

Anakin: way cool! But shouldn’t Darth Yoda be the first Sith then?

Yoda: Sith number matters not, as much as short-term quarterly gains.

Vader: Do note, however, that there are now five Siths.

Anakin: Great! But who is the fifth Sith then?

Yoda: mystery remain shall they for now.

Anakin: “they”… [ he smiles ]

Padmé: I wonder what kissing a sith feels like.

Padmé: Anyway: jedi and sith or not, Darth Anakin is still my boyfriend, and we’re going on a date. Our plan is to try doing crossover standup comedy / philosophy today - both as artists and as attendees.

Padmé: So adios Uncle Vader, Darth Sidius, Master Yoda…

Yoda: Go forth and multiply-lang.org ! [Reference]

Padmé: Why, thank you! Do note that Anakin and I are not in the rush to multiply-dash-lang-dot-org given the prematurity of our relationship.

Padmé: Just for the record, we have reached 4th base. (“Home run”? not too big into baseball).

Padmé: And… it was good! It was decent… we both could use some practice.

Anakin: [ blushing but content ] You heard the woman… nothing to add as she covered the first 4 bases. Bye all.

[ Padmé and Anakin leave the room.

Yoda is seen chuckling, and the two other Siths (Vader and Emperor Palpatine) join him. ]

After the Date

Funny can be sexy

[ Padmé and Anakin returned from their date, and are walking towards Padmé’s room. ]

Anakin: heh, we got a lot of cash today…

Padmé: yes, with the milliards of USD that I have in the bank, I can blow it on hats…

Anakin: A truly noble cause!

Padmé: Indeed…

Anakin: You know, I think that if Jenn Connelly heard your mock-up of Labyrinth, she’d kill you very painfully:

Anakin: [parodying] “I wish the goblins would come and take you away right now.”

Padmé: well, she will likely not only kill you for mocking me mocking her, but damn your soul for a thousand years of burning in hell.

[ They both laugh. ]

Padmé: Who would have thought that being funny can be so sexy! ( Reference )

[ They think for a moment, and then start kissing passionately.

Cut. ]

Sith in the sheets

[ Caption: "Later that night"

Padmé and Anakin are in Padmé’s bedroom. ]

Padmé: wow, that was… great!

Anakin: which base was that?

Padmé: in practice? First to eleven! I love you.

Anakin: yes, you were great too.

Padmé: Well, you know the old Internet meme: “jedi in the streets; sith in the sheets.”

Anakin: Yeah. Are you going to tweet about it?

Padmé: Tweet? I’ll buy a Super Bowl commercial, if you wish.

Anakin: Well, knowing you and your spirit frenemies, it likely will be common knowledge soon anyhow.

Anakin: Anyway, I’m gonna move to the other room so we won’t distract one another too much.

[ Before Anakin closes the door. ]

Anakin: good night, Padpad! And by the way, despite appearances to the contrary, you’re a sith in the streets, too.

Padmé: thank you!

[ Anakin closes the door. Padmé is lying in bed happy. After several seconds she opens her eyes widely. ]

What maketh a sith?

[ Padmé is walking to her office. ]

Padmé’s Internal Dialogue: I am a sith. I am the fifth sith. But what does being a sith entail? What maketh a sith? And who will be the sixth sith?

Padmé’s Internal Dialogue: God, this word must have the worst Phonology ever!

[ Padmé opens the door to her office. She enters, sits next to the computer, types "what is a sith" ( without the quotes ) into the browser’s address bar, and presses Enter. Her vision becomes blurry and she falls asleep. ]

Q about the essence of being a Sith

The morning after

[ Padmé is in her office sleeping with a wide smile on her face. She wakes up, stretches her arms, and then sees four spirit friends: Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer, Rainbow Dash, and Discord. ]

Padmé: Whoa [scared…]

Twilight Sparkle: Good morning your majesty, rise and shine.

Twilight Sparkle: We’re helping you with your research.

Padmé: whoa… how?

Twilight Sparkle: well, I’m programming a new task manager… yak shaving! [She is shown operating a laptop using her magic horn. ]

Starlight Glimmer: And I’m browsing through academic knowledge bases. [She is shown operating a laptop or a tablet’s Web-browser, using her magic horn.]

Rainbow Dash: And I’m speed-reading through books. [ Turns pages using her hoofs and wings. ]

Discord: And I am running a sophisticated deep learning algorithm on this supercomputer.

[ Showing an antique reel to reel computer not unlike the PDP-11

UNIX work on a PDP-11 ]

Discord: and it runs at a whopping 1,200 micro-FLOPS.

Padmé: that is a very low speed, Discord.

Discord: oh right, I need to press the turbo button.

[ He presses a red button and the computer morphs into a more modern / futuristic one. ]

Discord: wow! 1.21 peta-FLOPS.

[ The printer starts printing. Discord takes a page. ]

Discord: “One sith, two siths; red sith, blue sith” [Reference]

Discord: “On the Internet, everyone knows you’re a sith.” [Reference]

Discord: “I’m not just doing it for money. I’m doing it for doing hot siths.” [Reference]

Discord: does not make a lot of sense, does it?

[ Q of the Selinaverse rings the office’s door bell. He is wearing a Star Fleet uniform. ]

Padmé: Enter! … oh! Hi, Mr. Q. [they hug]

Q: Hi Padmé! You seem tired, but unusually happy and radiant.

Padmé: well, I had a great night [the spirit friends blink]... a great day and night. Eh, a great day!

[ The spirit friends say "ooh", chuckle, and use their smartphones to tweet. ]

Padmé: fine, go ahead… I don’t mind it that much.

Padmé: anyway, Mr. Q, I’ve become a sith and I’m trying to figure out what being a sith entails.

Q: well, Darth Padmé, let me give you a spoiler: a sith is a hacker king or a hacker queen, which is a new name for “a messiah”, or a “Q” in the Selinaverse’s parlance. That is: an action hero that aims for world saviouring, being a shaker and mover, helping himself and others as well as enjoying himself at the same time, letting no obstacle permanently stop him, and expecting everyone to become siths as well.

Padmé: thank you, Mr. Q!

Q: my pleasure. That put aside, I wish to dispense more insights about messiah-hood that the Selinaverse’s creator has come up with, in the Tel Aviv University’s campus near his home, and I am hoping you’ll attend it as well.

Q: but first you’d better rest a little.

Padmé: sure, I’d love to hear these insights. And I do need to rest. Can you wait here?

Q: sure! [ he snaps his fingers causing a desk with a computer to materialise.] And I also have your spirit friends for company and entertainment.

Q and Discord Present about The State of the Selinaverse

[ TODO: add live excerpts from the talk by Q of the Selinaverse and his spiritual cousin Discord (who was forked from the one at the end of the mlpfim 7th season). ]

Padmé multiplies-dash-lang-dot-org

[ The first four Siths (= Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Yoda, and Anakin) are sitting at Darth Vader’s office playing Bohnanza, along with C-3PO and R2-D2. ]

Yoda: getting my ass kicked am I.

[ Padmé enters. ]

The first four siths: hail Darth Padmé!

Padmé: hail me, heh. [Inspired by To Be or Not to Be (1942 film)]

Padmé: So… what’s up, guys? or should I say "what’s up, Darths?"

Anakin: heh… we got bored waiting for you so the six of us have been playing Bohnanza. R2 is winning [R2-D2 emits a beep of approval.]

Anakin: I should also note that I found a part-time, telecommuting, job as a coder. I don’t really need the money, but it will give me something to do.

Padmé: nice! But seriously, “the Schwartz is in you”… “there is no secret ingredient”, you already have the holy grail.

Padmé: same old tired meme - why did you make me take this sleigh ride?!

Vader: the screenplay writer wanted more money and to watch a live concert of Christina Grimmie in Ramat Aviv Gimel.

Padmé: These are free, right?

Vader: Yes, but he needed 200 ILS in cash to buy snacks.

Padmé: did he get them?

Vader: Yes, Emma Watson gave him 10,000 ILS in 100 * 100 ILS notes. In person.

Padmé: cool beans.

Padmé: anyhow, after we will have this episode filmed, everybody will be the sixth sith. Or maybe the fifth sith, or the first sith. One’s sith number doesn’t matter as much as short-term quarterly gains.

Padmé: Moreover, I will no longer care too much about the fact that my positive bank balance gets higher. After all, as the rich are getting richer, the poor are getting richer too. I also am going to stop trying to please everyone, both online and offline.

[ Anakin thumbs up. ]

Padmé: However… note that this whole sleigh-ride has vexed me, so I’m planning to take vengence.

[ Padmé’s eyes become ebbing dark, and the four Spirit friends (= Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer, Rainbow Dash, and Discord), appear by Padmé’s sides. Discord snaps his fingers, and intimidating guns not unlike the ones in the film The Mask, materialise in the hands of the Spirit friends. ]

Padmé: ask yourself, do you feel lucky?

[ The guns prepare-to-shoot. ]

[ The first four siths are startled, and scream.

The four guns fire signs saying “gotcha!”. ]

The spirit friends: Gotcha!

Padmé: as a matter of fact, you should. I just wanted to scare you.

[ The first four siths are relieved. ]

Yoda: Now, like it is 2012, party will we. Get down! Get down!

[ Gangnam Style/etc. remix starts playing and the characters from the Queen Padmé Tales series start dancing or swaying to it.

The End. ]

Image Credits

[ * PDP-11 photo taken from the UNIX history pages at bell-labs.com ]

Dedication

[ The Dedication: ]