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Selina Mandrake - The Slayer (Buffy Parody) - Ongoing Text [possible satire]
Caught between Post-modernism and the New Age
Abstract
Selina Mandrake ( Emma Watson ) was a geeky Anglo-American girl in her high school senior year in 2011 California, who thought that the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer was fictional. However, one day she was approached by a mysterious goth man calling himself "The Guide" ( Wil Wheaton ) who told her that she was none other than Buffy Mageia, The Slayer, a legendary heroine who was destined to slay many notable vampires and demons, culminating in none other than The Master, the vampire with the oldest soul. See how she managed to do so, despite being completely non-violent, and even supportive of the demons she encountered.
This is a parody of the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, while referencing other pieces of popular culture, and has many ties to my previous screenplay, Star Trek: “We, the Living Dead”. It’s far-fetched, but, on the other hand, conveys some serious messages and insights.
Selina Mandrake - *The* Slayer
Node LinkAbout this screenplay
Node LinkNext[ Tagline: “Caught between post-Modernism and the New Age” ]
[ Written by:Shlomi Fish. ]
[ Note: This is a tribute/parody of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer and of other sources of inspiration such as the Star Trek franchise (primarily Deep Space Nine) as well as other sources. ]
[ Note: style note, when the vampires and demons in the story talk in a dramatic and phony tone it is placed in “ALL CAPS” (inspired by the talk of Death in the Discworld series). When they talk non-dramatically and honestly, it is placed in proper capitalisation. ]
Abstract
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina Mandrake (Emma Watson) was a geeky Anglo-American girl in her high school senior year in 2011 California, who thought that the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer was fictional. However, one day she was approached by a mysterious goth man calling himself "The Guide" (Wil Wheaton ; wilwheaton.net) who told her that she was none other than Buffy Mageia, The Slayer, a legendary heroine who was destined to slay many notable vampires and demons, culminating in none other than The Master, the vampire with the oldest soul. See how she managed to do so, despite being completely non-violent, and even supportive of the demons she encountered.
This is a parody of the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, while referencing other pieces of popular culture, and has many ties to my previous screenplay, Star Trek: “We, the Living Dead”. It’s far-fetched, but, on the other hand, conveys some serious messages and insights. ]
Selina in History Class
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina Mandrake (played by Emma Watson) is sitting in a classroom taking notes, the other students are paying attention, and taking notes as well. Selina is an attractive (but not overly so) girl in her high school senior year, who has immigrated to California from England. ]
In the hallway
PrevNode LinkNext[ The bell rings and many school kids are walking out of the classroom, including Selina. She has an empty hour. As she walks in the hallway, she is sometimes greeted by “Hi, Selina!”, “What’s new?”, etc. and answers briefly. She finds Jessica and Jonathan standing next to Jessica’s locker and approaches them. ]
[ Jonathan hugs Selina from the side and eventually leaves. ]
[ Selina bursts out laughing. ]
[ Selina is reading a book and says to herself out loud ]
Selina at Home
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina enters her house, she goes to her room and drops her backpack. Afterwards, she goes to the kitchen, opens the refrigerator’s door, and pours a glass of juice. She drinks some of it. ]
[ After a few more arrangements, she goes to a desktop computer, turns on the screen, and moves the mouse. It’s a screen of Linux with Pidgin (a chat client) running. Selina scrolls the Pidgin contact list a little, finds someone called “Mosheh Ben-Amram” and double clicks his icon. A window pops up. ]
[ Selina turns off the computer screen. ]
Meet the Guide
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina is back at school, and is walking in a corridor, smiling. She opens a door and the corridor is empty except for “The Guide” (= wilwheaton.net) , an attractive Goth-style man, who is standing there watching her with a grave facial expression.
Selina looks at him, smiles and walks towards him. As she passes him he says in a dramatic voice: ]
[ Selina turns around hesitantly. ]
[ Selina is startled. ]
[ In the corridor there’s a scared and screaming high school girl (called Karen) to the left, and a blood thirsty vampire with his fangs out to the right. The blood thirsty vampire approaches the girl. ]
[ The Guide quickly moves her away, and throws a small wooden stake at the vampire’s heart. The vampire shrieks and evaporates into dust. The girl looks at him and faints. ]
[ Selina is startled and looks around while holding her fingers to her mouth. The Guide moves towards the fainted girl, he makes a gesture around her eyes with his hand, grabs her hand and guides her through getting off the floor. Karen wakes up. ]
[ Karen leaves. ]
[ The Guide looks at her unamused. ]
Selina’s Date at Night
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina and a boy she’s on a date with (Matthew) are sitting on a bench in a park, and are finishing eating a pizza tray. Selina looks around thoughtfully. ]
[ Pause for a moment ]
[ She closes her eyes and Matthew reaches to kiss her. Selina kisses him back. The Camera moves upwards. ]
John and Alan
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina is sitting at a library doing her maths’ homework with many pencils scattered around the table, pages with equations, etc. . ]
[ Alan and John approach. They are two young British men, dressed in cheap, commercial, clothing. ]
[ Selina smiles. ]
[ Selina is startled. Alan and John take two pencils, put the pencils to their hearts and say. ]
[ They cry and evaporate into dust. ]
[ She gets up. and moves out of the frame. ]
The Guide about John and Alan
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina is walking down the hallway from the library frustrated. The Guide approaches her. ]
[ They walk away in different directions. ]
Selina and the Demon Fron
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina is walking towards a bench in a park, holding several newspapers, and a pair of scissors. She sits on the bench and start preparing some paper-cuttings.
Fron, a demon with four long stick legs and a short neck steps into the frame. 
Selina notices him, is startled and says: ]
[ Selina returns to cutting, then she finds something interesting to read in the newspaper, and sits reading it.
Fron is hanging about and eventually approaches Selina and extends his neck towards the paper and through it until he faces Selina’s face. ]
[ Fron moves his eyes to different places in his neck. ]
[ Camera zooms in to reveal a swastika around Fron’s neck. ]
[ Fron dissolves into air leaving the newspaper with the hole in the air. ]
[ Rises up. ]
[ She goes away. ]
Playing Basketball
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina, Matthew, Jessica and Jonathan are playing Basketball over one basket on a court. Selina is breathless. ]
[ She breathes heavily. ]
[ Cut to Selina’s face. She seems startled. ]
[ She walks away looking worried. ]
Selina and The Three
PrevNode LinkNextThe Battle
Node LinkNext[ There are three young men dressed as Klingons who fight with Bat’leth in the park. Selina is passing by and shakes her head in disapproval. The three notice Selina, and quickly run to her. ]
[ Warrior #1 snaps his fingers, and some of these ridiculously large swords from World of Warcraft appear on the ground. ]
[ The three cry “yeah”. Warrior #1 snaps his fingers and the huge swords are replaced by small wooden toothpicks. ]
[ She guides the three to the trail, where they make some battle cries and then hurl the toothpicks with great speed at each other’s hearts. ]
[ They look at each other ]
[ Selina watches this and is frightened. ]
[ She walks away. Her mobile phone rings. ]
[ Selina exits the frame ]
The Guide After The Three
PrevNode Link[ The guide is standing on a trail in the park waiting. Selina approaches him ]
[ Cut to The Guide, he is unamused and angry looking. ]
[ Cut ]
Selina’s 18th Birthday Party
PrevNode LinkNextThe Birthday Cake
Node LinkNext[ Selina is standing near a cake decorated with the number 18 in the centre and 18 lit candles around the edge. Many of her friends gleefully standby. ]
[ After a few tries Selina manages to blow out all the candles. ]
[ Matthew approaches Selina ]
[ Selina walks away. ]
Selina Meets Mephiqoleth
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina goes to the kitchen smiling, opens the refrigerator’s door and takes out some refreshments and arranges them on the table and then she opens a cupboard’s door only to discover a small human-like demon inside. ]
[ Cut to Mephiqoleth - he is unamused. ]
[ Mephiqoleth fades away into thin air leaving Selina amused. ]
So what are you going to do in spring break?
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina, Jessica and Jonathan are standing near their lockers arranging stuff. ]
[ Jessica and Jonathan look at each other ]
Mephiqoleth does his magic
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina is wearing a backpack full of various trip utilities and wears a pouch bag, and approaches the cupboard of Mephiqoleth. She opens it. Mephiqoleth is there. ]
[ Mephiqoleth raises his hands and says in Hebrew, as the Hebrew letters (in the modern Hebrew alphabet) appear on the highlighted floor, with a darkened room and the Hebrew letters of the spoken message expand outward. ]
[ Selina dissolves. ]
Selina in the Amber
PrevNode LinkNext[ Seen through Selina’s Eyes, the scenery morphs into the untidy living room of, in midday, in a “villa" in Ramat Aviv Gimmel, Tel Aviv. The birds are chirping outside and there’s a feeling of tranquillity. ]
[ Cut to Selina inside the house. She looks around ]
[ The door gets unlocked and opens. Mrs Mendelssohn enters. ]
[ Selina exits ]
Selina’s impressions from Israel
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina is standing in the living room holding a remote control to the television showing photos from her trip to Israel.
The television is showing a photo of the Beit She’an excavations. ]
[ Selina presses the button, and a photo of Selina wearing sunglasses along with a group of Israeli soldiers (without guns), both male and female, who are crowded and stand next to Selina. ]
[ Selina presses the button, and a photo of the River Jordan appears. ]
[ Selina presses the button, and a long shot of a view from the Jerusalem promenade is shown. ]
[ Selina presses the button, showing some photos of Jaffa and Tel Aviv at night. ]
[ Selina walks to kiss Matthew, and they kiss. ]
[ Selina walks out of the frame. ]
Selina slays Mephiqoleth
PrevNode Link[ Selina goes to the kitchen and opens the cupboard revealing Mephiqoleth. ]
[ Selina puts a small Tembel hat on top of Mephiqoleth’s head and gives him a small shirt that reads “My slayer went to Israel and all I got was this stupid T-shirt.” ]
Is Mosheh Ben-Amram the Jewish Prophet?
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina is sitting next to her computer at home with Firefox browsing the Hebrew Wikipedia. She keeps highlighting words and hovering over them to find translations using a Firefox extension.
There is a signal, and the Pidgin icon in the status bar starts blinking. Selina clicks it. ]
The Gathering of Vampires in the Hall
PrevNode LinkNextThe Guide Telling Selina About the Vampire Gathering
Node LinkNext[ Selina is walking down the hallway with her backpack. The Guide joins her. ]
[ They hear a commotion from the hall’s door. ]
[ Selina enters ]
Selina Handling the Gathering of the Vampires
PrevNode Link[ Cut to the hall. A large number of vampires are there. Selina enters and they all pay attention and start clapping and howling.
Selina takes the stand, amused. ]
[ The vampires laugh, cheer and howl. ]
[ The crowd cheers. ]
[ More cheering. ]
[ Louder cheering. ]
[ The crowd starts whistling. ]
[ Steven, a vampire, boards the stage. ]
[ Music starts playing like Steven Ballmer’s “Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers” only saying “Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah”. ]
[ She searches for the source of the music. ]
[ He pulls out a stake and stabs his heart. The other vampires do the same. ]
[ All the vampires burst into dust while the sound is still playing.
Selina is shocked, and eventually finds a way to turn off the music. ]
[ The Guide enters through the door. ]
[ He meditates, does a gesture with his hand, and makes the dust and stakes disappear. ]
The Master
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina runs into The Master, a big man with a stern look. ]
[ His soul leaves his body with many effects, many of Selina’s schoolmates watch the show with interest. Eventually the Master’s body drops dead on the floor intact. ]
[ Selina reaches out to touch the body using her hand, and the body evaporates.
The spectators start clapping and whistling. Selina bursts into tears and leaves the scene. ]
Talk with the Guide after the Master
PrevNode LinkNext[ Selina is still crying, while exiting the door - The Guide is there. ]
[ Selina cries ]
[ Selina takes the handkerchief and cries into it. ]
[ A door opens and an awfully looking unkempt woman runs with a knife in her hand towards The Guide and Selina. ]
[ The Guide pulls out a crossbow from his coat, loads it with an arrow, and shoots the unkempt woman in the heart. She evaporates into dust. ]
[ She opens the chest and at one side there’s a fancy and translucent 1d10. Selina takes it out and smiles. She then opens the other compartment and sees a plastic card that reads “Vampire”, she turns over the card and sees an ID photo of her with the labels «Selina Mandrake ; “buffy” ; The Dispeller» ]
[ Selina looks bewildered. ]
Selina meets Mosheh and Aharon
PrevNode LinkThe Essence of Being a Dispeller
Node LinkNext[ Selina is walking in a nice park. ]
[ Mosheh and Aharon, who resemble Moses and Aaron from the Bible, approach Selina from a different pathway. They are wearing backpacks. ]
[ Selina looks angry. Cut to a long shot of the trees. ]
[ Cut to Selina standing next to Mosheh and Aharon. ]
[ Mosheh and Aharon drag Selina to a bench, where she sits down and weeps. ]
[ Selina turns around and notices Kate (Gabrielle Anwar), an attractive, black-haired, white, woman, looking in her thirties or fourties or so.
. ]
Kate tells her story
PrevNode LinkNextKate’s Early Life
Node LinkNextd’Artagnan’s Advice
PrevNode LinkNext[ Showing the couch ]
[ They both smile. ]
Kate and d’Artagnan’s Friendship
PrevNode LinkNextKate’s Assignment
PrevNode LinkNext[ Showing the scene at the Palace. ]
[ Cardinal Richelieu (Patrick Stewart) turns to face them. ]
[ Milady Kate, Athos and d’Artagnan leave. ]
[ Showing the cabin of Lord Buckingham. He is standing there. Adam, Lord Canterson’s soldier, enters with a rifle and points it at Lord Buckingham. ]
[ Milady Kate enters, followed by Athos, d’Artagnan and Lord Canterson who are dragging a body. ]
[ Turns to face d’Artagnan ]
[ They hug. ]
Kate meets Dumas
PrevNode LinkNext[ Cut to Alexandre Dumas’ Home ]
Dumas’ Advice
PrevNode Link[ Later on that evening. ]
[ Cut to the morning. Kate is sleeping on a bed in Alexandre Dumas’ house. Birds are chirping outside, and everything is pastoral. ]
[ Cut to a different room in Dumas’ house, he is sitting there drinking tea. ]
[ Dumas smiles and Kate laughs. ]
[ Close-up on Kate, she is grinning mischievously. ]
From Slayer to Dispeller
PrevNode LinkNext[ Cut to the bench with Selina, Kate, Mosheh and Aharon. ]
[ Cut to Selina: she has tears of excitement. ]
[ Selina hugs Kate and bursts into tears. ]
From Dispeller to Selina
PrevNode LinkNext[ After a while ]
[ Cut to Selina. ]
Selina Gets Help with her Cuneiform Homework
PrevNode Link[ Kate, Mosheh and Aharon laugh. ]
[ Camera moves up, end credits. ]
[ END. ]
