The 10th Muse: “Reenacting the Trojan War”

About this screenplay

Objective

[ Spec. ]

Wrapper

@wilw is tired

[ @wilw ( = Wil Wheaton ) approaches. He is Athena's boyfriend, and is going to play Prince Paris of Troy. ]

@wilw: hi Athena! Hi Arielle!

@wilw: I'm sorry, but I'm tired from having researched the Trojan War until late yesterday, and woken up by the alarm clock this morning.

Athena: hey Wil! I appreciate your enthusiasm, but we're only going to start 3 hours from now, and we'll likely improvise quite a bit.

Athena: But since it's an emergency, try this magic potion, which makes you feel awake, until you lie in bed, ready to sleep. It's also caffeine-free and better than caffeine.

@wilw: [takes a sip] wow! It worked.

Who will get the gold apple?

[ Paris of Troy ( @wilw ) is shepherding a flock of muppet sheep.

Aphrodite ( Jennifer Saunders - like in Absolutely Fabulous ), and Athena ( Tiffany Alvord ), and Hera approach. ]

Arielle's Voice: so, the three goddesses approached Paris so he'll decide which one will get the gold apple.

Hera: what?! Why do I need one? I've got too much stuff around the house as it is.

Aphrodite and Athena: yeah!

Arielle's Voice: ok, then let's say it's a delicious chocolate apple with a golden wrapping.

[ The goddesses think for a moment, and then start making offers.

Cut. ]

Paris: OK, so Hera's offering me political power. I don't want that, because I've got enough problems managing the sheep here.

A Muppet sheep: damn right he does! He's so bad that we've been talking about forming a union!

Paris: yes, and I'd rather not take Athena's offer of knowledge, because one ought to invest time and effort in acquiring it.

Paris: But getting laid sounds good, so I'll go with Aphrodite.

Aphrodite: good call, Paris baby! So you want the fairest damsel in the land?

Paris: nah… too easy! I want a woman who is the 2nd-fairest in the same room as Kermit the Frog!

Aphrodite: fair enough… [she takes the apple and unwraps it.]

Aphrodite: hmmm… it's pretty large. Let's split it into 3 parts!

[ Hera and Athena sigh and put their heads in their palms. ]

Matching Paris and Helen

[ Based on this Sesame Street sketch ]

Kermit: and here is Helen of Sparta the evil witch's magic mirror. Mr. mirror, what do you expect her to ask you this time? [Reference: Helen of Troy]

Magic Mirror: same question as always: "Who is the fairest of them all?"

[ Helen enters the frame. ]

Helen: hi, Kermit.

Helen: mirror, mirror, on the wall: who's the fairest in this room?

Magic Mirror: Kermit the Frog.

Helen: Figures! Now:

Helen: mirror, mirror, on the wall: who's the second fairest in this room?

Magic Mirror: you.

Helen: thanks! I think you are very cute too. [she snuggles into the mirror who is happy.]

[ Paris enters the frame. ]

Paris: wow, she is kinda cute: the googly eyes… the long nose… the retro hat… the green muppety skin.

Helen: thanks, that's the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.

[ Helen uses her smartphone to start a video chat with Menelaus of Sparta, her husband. ]

Helen: hey, Menelaus, baby! Sorry, but it's over - I'm with Paris now.

Menelaus: with… a girl?

Helen: no, silly! Prince Paris of Troy. Say “hi”, Paris.

Paris: hi! [he waves.]

Menelaus: oh, I see. Very well. But I hope you're still going to help us break the record for the number of ships that were launched by a single face.

Paris: you mean the face that launched a thousand ships?

Menelaus: actually, we're up to 5,372 ships.

Helen: count me in! Kermit, would you like to tag along and document it?

Kermit: sure! I'm game.

Helen's Face launching 5,372 ships

[ A big square banner over the port of Sparta showing Helen the Witch's face, with the caption "The face that launched 5,372 ships.". ]

[ Cut. ]

[ Kermit, Helen, Paris, and Count von Count are standing in a row behind a long desk. ]

Kermit: and here we are at the Laconian Gulf as Menelaus and co. try to break the record for the number of ships that were launched by a single face.

Kermit: And the first ship is: the Black Pearl as captained by Jack Sparrow.

Count von Count: one ship launched by a single face.

Kermit: and the 2nd ship is… the Kon-Tiki; a raft.

Count von Count: two ships launched by a single face.

Kermit: and the 3rd ship is… the USS Enterprise; a starship.

Picard’s voice: salutations, Kermit and co.

Count von Count: three ships launched by a single face.

Arielle’s voice: OK, let's skip ahead. Achilles getting shot in the heel.

Shooting Achilles

Arielle: Where’s Achilles?

[ Kevin Sorbo, who played Hercules in Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, enters the frame, while wearing a similar skimpy outfit.

Applause. ]

Arielle: hey, didn't you play Hercules?

Achilles: yeah, but I'm getting paid enough to let it slide.

Arielle: OK, Paris, please shoot Achilles' heel.

Athena: hey, can I do it instead this time?

Arielle: but aren't you on Achilles' side?

Athena: yeah, but we're getting paid enough to let it slide.

Arielle: fair enough.

[ The pumpkin muppets from the "Cårven Der Pümpkîn | Recipes with The Swedish Chef | The Muppets - YouTube" sketch only wearing Che Guevara-like berets enter. ]

Pumpkin muppet: hey Athena babe, you don't wanna use a bow-and-arrow. They are kinda old-fashioned.

Pumpkin muppet: you wanna be a modern fighter… do modern warfare.

Pumpkin muppet: you wanna use… a bazooka!

Athena: a bazooka! Sounds good.

Pumpkin muppet: excellent. Let's summon our bazooka instructor.

Pumpkin muppet: hey, Chef, come here.

[ The Swedish Chef enters carrying a bazooka. ]

Chef: hindeh-hoven de-bazooka.

Achilles: OK, ok, I'm not getting paid enough to be blown-to-bits by a deranged chick using a bazooka with a mock-Swedish-speaking instructor. [Reference: "mock-Swedish". ]

Pumpkin muppet: hey pal, for your information, mock-Swedish is one of the most beautiful mock-languages of mock-Scandinavia.

Achilles: whatever! Please bring my cardboard double. [He walks over to Athena's other side.]

Chef: to usen de-bazookan, aimen de-bazooka und shooten de-bazooka.

[ Athena shoots, and blows up Achilles' cardboard double. ]

Achilles: wow! That was a great shot!

[ He grabs Athena and kisses her on the lips prolongedly. ]

Achilles: [to @wilw/Paris] hey, sorry, man! Couldn't resist.

@wilw: no worries.

Sam the Eagle’s letter-of-protest

[ Split 2×2 frames: 1. the Trojan War-reenactment cast; 2. Fluttershy (MLP); 3. Sam the Eagle ( Muppets ) next to a keyboard; 4. a text editor editing Sam’s letter. ]

Sam the Eagle: greetings, all! I am writing a letter-of-protest to the writer of these screenplays.

Sam the Eagle: Dear Mr. Fish,

Sam the Eagle: as you noted, Tiffany Alvord and Fluttershy continued "The trend of shy, needy, sensitive, and easily-hurt females", yet you "have a tendency to depict them both as real badasses".

Sam the Eagle: and indeed:

Sam the Eagle: 1. Ms. Shy is seen shooting an RPG-7. [Reference.]

Sam the Eagle: 2. Ms. Alvord is seen using a pair of crossbows. [Reference.]

Sam the Eagle: 3. Ms. Shy is seen shooting a machine gun. [Reference.]

Sam the Eagle: And now - 4. Ms. Alvord is seen using a bazooka.

Sam the Eagle: such reprehensible depictions of physical warfare!

Sam the Eagle: Moreover, Alvord’s characters are seen kissing those of Jake Coco, Wil Wheaton, and now: Kevin Sorbo.

Sam the Eagle: it is clear that these two fine gentlewomen are not enjoying all that…

Fluttershy: actually…

Sam the Eagle: …and that they are not adequately compensated financially.

Tiffany Alvord: Mr. Eagle, if I may be prudent enough to interrupt: Fluttershy and I are getting adequately paid for that.

Sam the Eagle: I see. Is it a six-figure wage?

[ Tiffany holds 7 fingers and whispers "seven".

Fluttershy is seen jump-diving into a pool of gold coins while wearing a snorkle, not unlike the DuckTales opening. ]

Sam the Eagle: oh, I see. In that case, allow me to revise my letter:

Sam the Eagle: “Dear Mr. Fish, I commend you for generously paying Ms. Alvord and Ms. Shy here. I believe a person who is paid to do warfare is called a "mercenary", while a person who gets paid to provide sexual services is known as a "prostitute", and mercenary and prostitution are both time-honoured professions that we should encourage females and males to pursue.”

[ The cast and Fluttershy do a two-finger-salute, blow a kiss in the air, and thumb-up. Sam the Eagle thumbs up shortly afterwards.

Cut. ]

The Trojan Horse

Arielle's Voice: now the Greek try to trick the Trojans using a gigantic horse.

[ Princess Celestia appears. ]

Princess Celestia: and it should be a Trojan pony shaped like me! [ She uses her horn to conjure one. ]

[ Discord (from MLP) appears. ]

Discord: I'd prefer a Trojan draconequus shaped like me! [ He snaps his fingers and the Trojan object is transformed. ]

Princess Celestia: what?! That's not even a horse! [ She uses her horn and the Trojan object is transformed back. ]

Discord: judge Fluttershy, can you decide?

Fluttershy: OK… according to the court precendents of Applejack vs. Rarity, Twilight Sparkle vs. The State of Equestria, and Pompey vs. Judea, I declare that it should be a mesoamerican style pyramid with a lifesize, but golden, Fluttershy on top.

Discord: fair enough. [ He snaps his fingers and the Trojan object is transformed. ]

[ Many Trojans are excited about the Golden Fluttershy, and climb the pyramid's stairs. The Golden Fluttershy is startled, gasps, and flies away outside the frame. ]

Kermit: and here we can see that one of the 5,372 ships that were launched by Helen's face, namely that of Jason and the Argonauts is setting sail with… one Argonaut. [showing Kevin Sorbo as Hercules.]

Hercules: hey, one Argonaut is better than zero.

Kermit: and you're playing Hercules again?

Hercules: yeah, I'm getting paid enough to let it slide.

Jason: anyway, the Argonauts and I had previously searched for the Golden Fleece and now we're embarking on a search for the Golden Fluttershy.

“Sulk in my tiredness”

[ Cut to a shopping mall's clearing next to a pool / fountain.

A portal opens and Arielle, Athena, and @wilw step out. ]

Arielle: and we're in Los Angeles. And I'm tired and hungry.

@wilw: maybe try the anti-tiredness potion that Athena gave me.

Arielle: nah, I want to sulk in my tiredness.

[ The Golden Fluttershy enters the frame from the right and listens to the conversation with interest. ]

@wilw: do you also want to sulk in your hunger?

Arielle: oh, no! I never sulk in my hunger if I can help it.

@wilw: Let's go to the food court then. From my experience, the fast food there is usually good.

Arielle: yes… I'm so hungry I could eat the Golden Fluttershy.

[ The Golden Fluttershy gasps and flies rightwards.

The human trio walks leftward and exits the frame.

The edge of Jason's ship enters the frame on the pool and from the left.

Fade to black. ]

Message on the screen: The search for the Golden Fluttershy continues…

Licence

[ Emblem: Shlomi Fish’s EvilPHish Emblem

This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2022 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution Noncommercial Share-Alike 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by-nc-sa) (or at your option - any later version). ]