Here you can read novellas and screenplays that I have written, which are mostly humorous in part or in whole (but to quote Peter Ustinov, “Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious”). I have many much shorter works in the main section, including quotes, aphorisms, and factoids.
Note: many of my stories are not too realistic, and aim to reflect a better and more idealistic reality than the one many people would perceive. This is in part because, I am an idealist, and plan to remain so (and my idealism is dynamic and constantly changes), and wish that my words and deeds will carry reality forward instead of preserving the status quo.
In their "Poetics", Aristotle notes: Homer, for example, makes men better than they are.
. Similarly, the characters in my fics are competent: confident, open, forgiving, funny [I hope], greedy and ambitious, resourceful, generous, passionate, socially capable, sexually assertive, and sexy.
I came; I saw; I left no trace
A member of the terrorist organisation “The Organisation” gets up in the morning, goes to his post, and quits. But before he leaves, he makes a suggestion that makes his former comrades fight each other to death. Join the now ex‐Member of the Organisation as he embarks on an ego trip, where he tries to prove that A can in fact be not‐A, despite whatever reservations Aristotle may have.
A political satire about the situation that prevailed in the Israeli-Lebanese border. Lots of exits about mathematical logic, and a general critique of the irrationality guiding political bodies.
The Fountainhead may have been good enough in the 60’s, but we’re in the Information Age now
A parody of Ayn Rand’s novel, The Fountainhead, modelled around a two part episode of the Television sitcom show Friends. Somewhat unhappy with the original book, the six friends in the show role-play their own version of The Fountainhead, while trying to improve upon it. Will they succeed?
What was the photo of the Parthenon replaced with?
Why was Chandler happy to play Peter Keating?
Which element is featured in every second-class romantic novel?
Which piece of advice did Toohey give Dominique Francon?
Why did cruising with Gail Wynand turn out to be a bad idea?
And who were the bad guys in the story?
Read the screenplays to find out.
Intelligent (?) and Conscious (?) People
Humanity is a screenplay for a movie that aims to be a parody about humanity and modern life in particular. It tells the story of a day in the life of a Semitic city in Canaan circa the year 500 B.C. Each scene is dedicated to one of the city’s elements: The Cathedral (OK - an altar with a priest), the Bazaar, the Well, the Wall, etc.
The original Humanity project, back in 2000 was my opening shot of the the open content / Web 2.0 revolution aiming to be a "bazaar-style" collaborative project for writing a screenplay. It failed due to the clunky CVS UI, but nowadays collaboratively written screenplays are common - only using wiki software or git DVCS or similar.
Who said girls can’t code?
Jennifer (loosely based on Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) is a trendy and popular high school senior who is living and studying in the vicinity of Los Angeles. Her best friend, Taylor (Xander), convinces her to try to become a developer of open source software. He puts her under the tutorship of a different friend of his, the female open source contributor Eve (Faith), who prefers to be called “Erisa”, and who is a self-conscious and rebelling punk, with whom Jennifer finds it hard to deal. Jennifer remains determined to learn how to become an open source developer from Erisa, but there are some surprises along the way.
From perfection to imperfection; from finity to infinity
In this fan episode of the Television show Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, we discover the true essence of the Q Continuum, and meet some “living dead”: conscious beings (including humans) who reportedly died, but actually were saved and still live a prosperous life some place else in the universe, as well as “vampires”: individuals who never died and have instead remained alive since they were born.
A Star Trek episode to end all Star Trek episodes, (and — more generally - a story to end all stories).
Caught between Post-modernism and the New Age
Selina Mandrake ( Emma Watson ) was a geeky Anglo-American girl in her high school senior year in 2011 California, who thought that the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer was fictional. However, one day she was approached by a mysterious goth man calling himself "The Guide" ( Wil Wheaton ) who told her that she was none other than Buffy Mageia, The Slayer, a legendary heroine who was destined to slay many notable vampires and demons, culminating in none other than The Master, the vampire with the oldest soul. See how she managed to do so, despite being completely non-violent, and even supportive of the demons she encountered.
This is a parody of the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, while referencing other pieces of popular culture, and has many ties to my previous screenplay, Star Trek: “We, the Living Dead”. It’s far-fetched, but, on the other hand, conveys some serious messages and insights.
This screenplay, a parody and reflection on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and inspired by many other sources, is in a mostly complete state.
As the sling shoots, grown men will cry
The Hollywood actresses Sarah Michelle Gellar (of Buffy fame) and Summer Glau (of xkcd notability) conspire to kick the ass of the NSA (= the United States government’s National Security Agency), while using special warfare that is completely non-violent and non-destructive. Two attractive, intelligent, and resourceful women against a large, inefficient, federal government organisation whose estimated annual budget is several times their combined worth. Does the NSA actually stand a chance?
This screenplay is surrealistic realism and takes place in April 2013. It is far-fetched, but could actually happen.
I learned more from my students than I have from my teachers.
The Demonic underworld is held under tight control in a forked version of the Buffy universe where the Scooby Gang all ended up happier and more powerful, and men and women have equal opportunities when it comes to fighting Demons. A new class of tenth grade (sophomore) students start the three year demon-fighting program in the scholastic year of 2014/2015 in Sunnydale High School, while the older Scooby Gang, who are their teachers and mentors, have to deal with the usual set of problems that come with being teachers, parents, spouses and adults.
We’d love to learn more about you.
Fanfic episodes of The Muppet show or Sesame Street. Each show will cover a theme such as Harry Potter, or Summer Glau & Chuck Norris as two ruthless Grammar Nazis.
What had been, is what will be. There is nothing new under the sun.
Josephus was a budding philosopher of Jewish descent in Damascus of Hellenistic times, when he took a bet that he could produce a decent work of philosophy, and wrote the Biblical scroll of Ecclesiastes (Qoheleth). Soon after that, he became the most notorious celebrity in his town, made a moderate fortune from donations of enthusiastic fans of the scroll, and became annoyed by the fact that he has become the object of affection of nearly every unmarried young female in Damascus.
However, nothing could prepare Josephus to the day he ran into a trio of female Celtic travellers, who provide him with many questions, including the million dollar question, “Who is the Qoheleth (Now)?”.
This is an illustrated screenplay inspired by the #SummerNSA effort and set in a time of great confusion — not unlike our own — while containing some anachronisms.
“Hasta la vista, baby tank girl!”
It might seem preposterous to believe Emma Watson is the new Arnold Schwarzenegger just because they were both Hollywood's best paid actors and you would be right. Emma Watson is not the new Arnold Schwarzenegger.
But Arnold Schwarzenegger will forever be remembered as the old EMMA FUCKIN' WATSON!
( Reference and Midrash. )
A self-referential and illustrated parody of the Terminator franchise, with Emma Watson as herself and her cosplayer, Hannah, as the evil terminator, and with Arnold Schwarzenegger as himself and a cosplayer of his, Aharon, as the good terminator. Takes place in Tel Aviv during Passover and Olamot Con.
Why can’t we have them all?
This ambitious series of screenplays breaks a long-time taboo against writing Star Wars and Star Trek crossovers, but also aims to make the case for commercial yet free/open (Creative Commons / etc.) fan fiction / crossovers / real person fiction (see e.g: Our mission statement) and screenplays written in easier to write formats than the draconian, finicky, and boring, Hollywood-blessed format.
While the birth parents of Queen Padmé Amidala of the Naboo of the Selinaverse (Tiffany Alvord , b. 1992) were killed in a starship crash when she was 1 years old, she was adopted by her aunt, the Duchess Elizabeth Amidala (Natalie Portman), and her aunt's husband, Darth Vader, who volunteered to act as King-in-effect until Padmé's coming-of-age. As a result, Padmé had a happy childhood until she turned 18 at 2010 and was ready to become the bona fide monarch of Naboo.
Padmé already learned a lot about managing a planet country by volunteering to help Vader, and he encouraged her to do so. On the surface, she is happy:
She is the richest person in Naboo and one of the richest women in the galaxy.
She has enough free time to contribute on Internet content and code sharing sites.
She has many supporting friends, including her boyfriend, Anakin Skywalker (Jake Coco), a promising jedi-wannabe, who is about her age, and with aspirations for joining the mysterious but revered jedi order of Siths, of which only Vader and Emperor Palpatine are the known extant members.
In practice, though, there is the Sword of Damocles:
Critics on online publications and social media who are unhappy with every choice she makes.
A poorly-executed takeover attempt of the Naboo crown, by a “real life” celebrity (Emma Watson) thought to be flawless.
Her boyfriend being so busy with his studies, that he becomes awfully laconic even in his emails.
Her spirit friends, who are animated characters from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic and other fantastical universes, who appear at the seemingly least desirable moments, and whom everyone can see, hear, photograph, and record, but whom many people believe are some kind of trick.
And her biggest pet peeve: her positive bank balance which keeps getting larger, despite her many attempts to reduce it.
“We’re a progressive pantheon after all”
The Greek Pantheon of ~2022 AD decides it is high time to hire a 10th muse, in charge of the interactive arts. Thus, it hires Arielle (Regina King, e.g.: in Jerry Maguire), an Afro-American woman, who is happy to be among the first Black hires in a whites-dominated Pantheon. (Reference.)
Other planned episodes:
Athena takes a bet with Dionysus that she will remain under control after getting drunk, and loses more than just the bet…
Hera was convinced to seduce Zeus, and they both hate the new situation because it voids all the excitement.
An annual reenactment of The Trojan War, with Achilles getting killed using a bazooka, and the Trojan horse being a Trojan pony shaped like Princess Celestia.
Fanfic: parody, crossover, RPF, self-reference.
Love is Evil, and Evil is Love
Rindolf “Aim Very High” Hitlower, the Norwegian EvilReindeer, is threatening to turn Christmas into EvilChristmas, by having stolen all the Christmas' presents and the Chanukkah coins. His twin brothers, Rudolph Hitlower and Randolph Hitlower, Santa Claus’ right-hoof reindeer, recruit the elite commando unit, the Mane Six, and together go to the Selinaverse's Norway to try to prevent that.
Fanfic: parody, crossover, RPF, self-reference.
“Are you a god?”
Emma Watson, Mr. T, Tiffany Alvord, and Shlomi Fish (= me), are trying to play a strip version of the tabletop role-playing game.
Fanfic: parody, crossover, RPF, self-reference.
TODO
In a parallel universe, Tiffany Alvord’s territorial jealousy of Shlomi Fish (= me), seemed bound to have a far-reaching effect on the multiverse’s integrity. But luckily the Foundation For Fantastecha™n Functional Fidelity (= “FFFFF” or “quintuple-F”) has intervened.
Fanfic: parody, crossover, RPF, self-reference.
And so starts what appears to be an ordinary week… or not!
Rachel Southern, an American graphic artist who lives and works in Milwaukee, did not expect the week following the death of the Roman Catholic Pope to be particularly notable for her, but boy was she wrong!
From meeting a guy she really liked, to her best friend almost ruining a date with him, to her family coming to visit, to helping organise a “fashion-play”, to pondering the answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything — Rachel’s week proved to be one of the most hectic in her life.
This story is still incomplete, and only a relatively small part of it has been written.
TODO FILL IN
Screenplays for an (incomplete) series of crazy comedy films parodying Fantasy Tabletop Role-Playing Games (FRPs or RPGs). Join the band of the player characters called “The Blue Rabbit Adventuring Company”, as they journey in the imaginary role-playing world, and their struggles and encounters with monsters, the non-player characters, their players, and… the Game Master! (Muahahahahaha).
Included here are the beginning of the screenplay of the first part and some disorganised ideas for the continuation.
TODO FILL IN
A novella titled “The Earth Angel” in which a colloquial Black man in 2013 Los Angeles teaches a copyrights attorney all about life.
It seems that I found writing most of this redundant, due to Summerschool at the NSA and later Buffy: A Few Good Slayers, but I’m keeping what I have written so far of it for posterity in its preliminary state.
TODO FILL IN
The story “The Road to Heaven is Paved with Bad Intentions” - a proposed sequel to “The Enemy and How I Helped to Fight it”. The ex-Member of the Organisation travels back in time in order to prevent World War II.
TODO FILL IN
Screenplays for an (incomplete) series of sitcoms about a web-development shop.
Included here are the beginning of the screenplay of the first part and some disorganised ideas for the continuation.
Me wanna be “Rosh Gadol” about it.
A parody of my Selina Mandrake - The Slayer, which is itself a parody of Buffy the Vampire Slayer; starring Cookie Monster and Emma Watson. Shelved for now given I am wilfully ignorant of baking and cooking in general.
