The Essence of the Q Continuum
[
Quark’s conference room. Q is there, as is a stranger middle-aged-looking
woman. All the cast is there including Quark and his brother. Jake, Dax and
Bashir enter.
]
Q: Greetings, commander - have a seat, make yourself at home, and meet Q2
(“Queue-Two”).
Q2: My pleasure. I am indeed Q2.
Jake: Is there also Q3 and Q4?
Sisko: In any case - why do you want to see us?
Q: I have a question for you: as you know, I am omnipotent. Now: can I
write a computer program that determines if any other computer program
terminates or not?
Dax: The Halting problem…
Sisko: Yes, Commander, I know. This has logically proven to be impossible,
and the proof is very simple. So you cannot do it unless you can somehow
change logic.
Q: And can I, being a Q and all?
[
Silence for a moment.
]
Sisko: I don’t think you can. I think it is inconceivable to think you can
change logic. In fact, I don’t think you are omnipotent. I just think you
appear omnipotent to us, because you are such an advanced life-form or even
just have a sufficiently advanced technology.
Sisko: In fact, for all I know you may be a humanoid.
Q: Captain Sisko - I’m always amazed at how stupid your race is, and how much
wrong you can be.
Jake: You mean - you can change logic?
Q: Oh, no. This time you were right. Yes, I am not omnipotent. I am only very
technologically advanced. And yes, I am a humanoid.
Sisko: I suppose you belong to the human master-race that created all other
races.
Sisko: So how old are you?
Q: I’ll be about 6.5 milliard Terran years next September.
Sisko: So I gather your race has conquered death.
Q: Death and most other things.
Bashir: If I may interrupt, it has always been my observation that death
is completely unnecessary, and that our society could have eliminated
it a long time ago.
Sisko: May I inquire who Q2 is?
Q2: I am in fact the oldest organism that never died. I am about 40 milliard
years old.
Dax: That’s a long time before the big bang.
Q2: Oh the “Big Bang”. We don’t call it that. The big bang was in fact an
explosion of a massive black hole. But it’s not the first time it happened and
not the last. We have some great videos of it.
[
Dax and Jake are smiling and giggling
]
Q2: In any case, I have eventually converted to a human form when I joined the
Q Continuum.
Sisko: Very interesting - most interesting. In any case, I’ve just been
messaged by Captain Krand of the Othello Task Force that he wishes us to
inspect his ship, before he lets his crew have shore leave. And while this
fascinates me, I need to juggle some priorities as well.
Q: Actually, I suggest we meet in an hour at the holo-deck, I have some
things to show you there [shows a module].
Quark: Ahmm… Mister Q, the holo-decks require some payment to use.
Q: No problem, here are two bars of Gold-pressed Latinum. [gives to him]
[
Cut to Sisko, Dax, Bashir and Jake
]
Sisko: Dax, Bashir, will you go and check on OTF?
Jake: Ah, Dad, can I join them?
Sisko: I don’t see why not, sure, go along.
History of the Q Continuum
[
Cut to Quark’s Holodeck - everyone is there.
]
Q: Greetings people. I have given Quark a holodeck module for a demonstration
- nothing special about it. What you’re about to see happened in my
race’s home planet over 6 milliard years ago. We just broke up from the reign
of an empire called the “Ivrim”. They were not too good and not too bad.
As such we adopted their language, only with many errors.
Q: Precisely.
Q: Anyway, we also had another language, universal on our continent which
we called Énglish. It was just like modern English only pronounced
phonetically. Rather hideous. This language was considered holy - everyone
knew it, but people were afraid to talk in it. It was reserved for the
“perophets”, who were people who talked with the “Bey-de-jor-eans”, who
were our gods.
Sisko: Hmmpppf indeed. What is the reason for all these coincidences?
Q: The Universe is coincidental, Captain, for some reasons which even we
don’t fully understand yet. And for the record, even we were preceded by
different races of humanoids.
Q: In any case, there was this relatively mature man in our time called
No’ach who had three sons.
Katie: Shem, Hham and Yepheth? [in Modern Hebrew pronouncation]
Q: You guessed it. He was a quirky, paranoid fellow. At one point he sensed
a storm coming, and believed that the world was coming to an end. So he, his
wife, his sons, and all of his livestock travelled up a nearby mountain, and
waited for the storm to end. [Pictures are shown]
Q: When the storm ended, he went down to the nearby village, and saw that
while there was a lot of damage, it was perfectly fine. However,
he claimed that it was high time to put an end to such problems, to end
having to depend on natural whims, that our society will flourish.
Q: I was there: my name was indeed “Que” and I was considered a strange
nomad, who just happened to be there. I decided to take upon myself
the establishment of the [in Énglish] “civilisation” instead of the
many different [in Énglish] “cultures”.
Q: Now there were many kids in the village who seemed to be amused by that.
One thing was that they often had trouble pronouncing Shem’s name with
a “Sh” sound and instead used “S” - “Sem”. People found it annoying,
but the children couldn’t care less.
Q: Back then, writing systems were still hideously complex, and practically
no one used them. So I told the kids to come up with a good writing system.
They decided to collect 26 symbols of the signature signs of some people
in the village, and figure out a way to write using it.
Q: Eventually they invited us all to a presentation.
[
The holo-deck shows a long shot of an Énglishtant field. One kid is
showing the Latin alphabet
]
Énglish Boy: Aa, Ba, Tsa, Da, É, Fa, Ga, Ha, I [= Ee], Ja [as in French],
Ka, La, Ma, Na, O, Pa, Qua, Ra, Sa, Ta, U, Va, Wa, Xa [= Kha], Ya, Za
[
Then he points to a sign saying
“THÉ NÉO TÉCH CONSPIRACY FOR ÉSTABLISHING THÉ SÉMITIC CULTURÉ”
]
Énglish Boy: Tehe ne-o-te-tse-heh konspeerasi for establishing te-he
semeeteec cooltooré!
Q: [Interrupting. ] The people were mad, he mispronounced Shem’s name. He
formed a conspiracy, and he wanted to establish yet another culture.
Kids: Haqol Qara! Haqol Qara!
Q in the holodeck: The voice has called. The voice has called.
Q in the Énglishtant scene: Chaku rega! Ooooof!
[
Eventually he steps on a mound saying:
]
Q in the Énglishtant scene: Qara Ma Sheqara, yiqreh ma sheyiqreh, haqol qoré
liph’amim!
Q in the holodeck: What I said was ambiguous in Hebrew. Let’s say it means
“He called what he called. Whatever will happen - will happen. The voice
calls sometimes.”
[
In the Énglishtant scene, everybody have fallen silent. Then a small boy starts
calling
]
Small boy: Q Gadol! Q Gadol! Q Gadol!
[
Everyone joins him, they carry Q on their hands until an even larger hill
and puts him there.
]
Q: [In Énglish] Vampires of the world - unite! These kids have invented the
Aa-Ba-Tsa, which will make writing easy. I want an Aa-Ba-Tsa for Hebrew, too.
I want something to facilitate calculations. And let’s tell the world about
it. I want it all, and I want it now!
Q: [In the holodeck] Three days after this, some people invented the decimal
system. We sent delegates to other villages and countries bringing the news of
the Alphabet and all our other discoveries and decisions. Eventually, I found
the Énglish pronunciation too tedious, so I asked people to make a better one.
And someone came up with modern English.
Q: We advanced quickly. A year later we already had steam. We discovered our
planet was round, and circled the globe within 10 years. We defined a
constitution, and founded mass-production and the free market. I kept asking
for more and more challenges to accomplish. Here is what happened after 40
years:
[
The holodeck shows Q standing on the hill where he had given the speech
holding a flag. There’s a large crowd and many cameras are visible. He then
moves to the right and sticks the flag somewhere else.
]
Vision Q: [In modern English] Vampires of the world - we are united! 40 years
ago I stood there [points to the top of the hill] and decided to form an
encompassing civilisation for our entire planet. Today, I can say we have been
successful.
Vision Q: We’ve already been extending our lives incrementally by large
differences. But it will be nice to find a way to remain young
forever. So this is the next Q task. And another one is to conquer the
stars. So go to work! [The crowd cheers]
Holodeck Q: We conquered the stars and spread across the galaxy. Within 400
years, we encircled the galaxy in one go using this ship [Shown a very old
and antiquated ship].
Q: At that point we were approached by the Alpha Continuum. They sent
Q2 here [Q2 blushes] to greet us.
Q2: I’ll take it from here. It took the Énglishtants 400 years from the
invention of the Alphabet till the circling of the Galaxy. 400 years for
a Carbon-based life-form was a record that was not broken ever or since. I
informed Q that the Alpha Continuum provided the Énglishtants with protection
against pre-mature deaths, and gave other services that Continuums give.
Q2: Q informed me that since his race had been so successful, he has decided
to form their own Continuum - the Q Continuum. After some thinking, I told
him that I would join the Q Continuum, as an act of appreciation for them
being so competent and determined.
Sisko: So I understand that the Q Continuum is not the first Continuum to
have been span-off the Alpha Continuum.
Sisko: I see.
Sisko: Q: so you’ve misled us to believe you were the most uncooperative
being in existence, while in fact projecting the greatest cooperative
project in the history of the universe?
Q: Well, for some values of “greatest”. See: I used to be a simple common
organism. But six and a half milliard years later and a lot of technological
advancement have made me much less dependent on other people’s whims.
Q: I appear rather blasé and always have been to some extent. But I still
don’t wish to die now or never. Technology can give you many things,
but we high-order Qs still find a lot of joy in a walk in the woods,
or in tasty food, or in the little joys of life. We’re still human,
after all.
Q: In any case, fast forward to the present - this happened about 20 days ago.
[
The holodeck shows a very large hall crowded with millions of different
humanoids. Three gigantic strips of light on the ceiling are lighted one after
the other, from the closest to the farthest. Then the whole hall is lit.
There are Nazi flags on the wall, and a gigantic Swastika above the stage. Q
is standing there.
]
Q: [Shouting] My name is Q!! I saved you all!! You’ve had the misfortune or
folly to die, but don’t worry - you’re still alive. You will be relocated to a
different planet and a different galaxy. And you can thank me for it!
Q: Meanwhile, here’s some background music:
Fergey’s Voice: Rip it, mama!
[
Music starts playing.
]
[
Cut to the people at the holo-deck - they are amused and seem like they
find it hard to believe.
]
Q: Anyway, we would like to invite you, to come with us to the headquarters of
the Q Continuum.
Dax: I would be delighted.
Katie: Me too! me too!
Katie: I mean: so would I! so would I!
Bashir: I’d like to come too.
Kira: Hold your horses, people! We do not know what possible dangers
lurk in the Q Continuum. If you are indeed going to go, then I and other
security officers must escort you.
Katie: Major, I think you overestimate the danger. This is Q after all. If
he wanted, we would all be dead now.
Katie: He could hurl this entire space station directly into the Bajorean sun.
Katie: He could spread our atoms evenly in the entire galaxy.
Sisko: That’s enough, Miss Jacobson! OK, Major, you can escort these
people. Q: would it be OK if my crew brought their phasers with them?
Q: Their phasers? Of course. They can also bring some photon torpedoes if they
wish. None of them will work, but I don’t mind them bringing them.
Quark: Speaking of technology, I’d like to tag along and film the entire trip.
I sense a huge business potential to this, and would be willing to give the
rest of you 10% of the profits.
Katie: Captain Sisko, are you coming?
Sisko: I’m afraid I’m not. I’ll stay here and keep an eye on the space station.
You kids go along.
Jake: I’d like to go too.
Jake: Thanks. Katie, why don’t you have a phaser?
Katie: A phaser? Oh… I’m all for the right to bear arms and all, but I hate
these things. My job does not require me to carry one anyway.
Q: Anyone else would like to come with us?
Odo: I guess I’ll also join you.
Q2: OK, cool. We’ll let you kids do last minute arrangements and we’ll meet
here in 45 minutes. Meanwhile I’ll have a drink.
Q: I could use one too. Quark, how much would that be?
Quark: Two drinks would be two strips of gold-pressed Latinum.
Quark: However, Mr. Q., I recall you saying you could provide me with 1 million
bars of gold-pressed Latinum.
Q: That’s nothing, Mr. Quark. I can conjour a ball made out of gold-pressed
Latinum the size of a red giant. Of course, it will quickly implode into
a nasty black hole. Nothing we can’t handle of course, but still.
[
Cut to Quark - he is speechless and looks astonished.
]
Q: But two strips should be enough - there you go.
In the Q Continuum Headquarters
[
Title: The Q Continuum Headquarters
]
Dax: I think so. Yes, everyone’s here.
Q2: OK - please don’t be alarmed as the surroundings changes incrementally.
It’s a trick we do to make the teleportation change easier.
[
The surroundings change and eventually change to a well-lit large room.
There’s a large window to the left.
]
Dax: So I presume that’s part of the Q Continuum headquarters? According to
this tricorder we seem to be on a completely different galaxy. A different
galaxy cluster even.
[
Katie, Jake and other people approach the window
]
Katie: Wow! It’s beautiful.
[
View of the Q Continuum planet - there are several tall white buildings
none of which obscure the views. They are shaped like a trumpet, and there
are robots going up and down their tall parts.
There is a lot of trees and forests intermingled. There are large roads made
of very clean stone, with some alien life forms, most resembling mammals
walking in between them.
]
Kira: [Unethusiastically] Impressive, I say.
Dax: Well back to our business. Is there anything we’re looking here?
Q: Sure. Amanda, please come here.
Amanda: Greetings people.
Katie: Wait a second - she looks like…
Dax: Yes, you’re the honour student that was identified as a Q on a USS
Enterprise mission.
Amanda: That is indeed the case. As you see my parents - both human - had to
return to the Q Continuum and decided to leave me on Earth (as a normal human
baby) because some of them Terran friends became attached to me.
Dax: And I suppose your parents missed you?
[
1st level Q: A conscious organism.
2nd level Q: A vampire - capable of living forever.
3rd level Q: An immortal - cannot be killed.
4th level Q: Capable of teleporting within the same planet.
5th level Q: Capable of any teleportation.
6th level Q: Capable of teleporting himself and others.
]
Amanda: That too, and they decided to meet me. So I was temporarily EnQed to
a very high Q level, and then decided to come here. I met my parents and
decided to start my road as a “Q” here. Right now, I’m a sixth level Q, and
trying to slowly become more confident in not abusing my powers. Great power
requires great responsibility.
Amanda: Yep. A Q that is capable of teleporting himself and others.
Katie: I see. What’s a first-level Q?
Q2: A first level Q is any conscious organism. A second level Q is a
“vampire” - an organism that doesn’t die. A third level Q is an “immortal”
- an organism that cannot be killed.
Dax: And what about that woman of the humanoid master-race (the
Énglishtants, I presume) told us about the master race dying and
all?
Q: Oh that. That was The Symbol [pronounced “Té Symbol”]…
Katie: The Symbol, wait a second! [checks her laptop]. Hmmm… a very powerful
sorceress in the Forgotten Realms world; an omni-potent goddess in the Plarian
mythology; and the list goes on.
Dax: So she is one of your most powerful Qs?
Q: The Symbol? Hardly! She is in fact an old technophobe that after all the
milliards of years is still only a 3rd level Q, and relies on us for
transportation. She’s a bit unhappy from always being considered a
practically omni-potent being.
Q: In any case, she is considered the oldest Énglishtant (not
quite accurate, but still), and has been the “T” in our alphabet.
Displaying that message around the galaxy was her idea. But it was a
simplification.
Bashir: Ah hah. By the way, Q2, I would be interested to know what was your
original form like?
Q2: You can certainly know. Look here [points to a screen].
[
The screen shows a large number of Opossum-like creatures on a Jungle-like
surrounding, eventually going to a city.
]
Q2: Indeed. I still miss it in a way. Giving birth as “an opossum” is very
painless. In my human forms, after the third time I gave birth, I couldn’t
take it any-more and instead used artificial pregnancies.
Bashir: Wow! I think I know what to do to implement exactly that…
Worf: That’s enough, Doctor.
Dax: Don’t be too uptight, Commander.
Q2: In any case, I’ll leave you kids for now.
Q2: No. Busy people are unproductive. We are very productive and so we’re
never busy. But I need some rest, and think I’m no longer needed here. Q
can always find me.
Q2: Meanwhile, you’ll probably want to meet the living dead. [she leaves
through the door].
Q: The living dead. People whom you believed to be dead, while in fact being
relocated to a different galaxy, fully living there. Is there anyone specific
you’d like to meet?
Katie: Can I go first? [enthusiastically]
Dax: Sure you can, Katie!
Katie: I’d like to meet the big 20th-21st century UNIX hackers. You know,
Ken Thompson, Dennis Ritchie, Linus [= Lee-nos] Torvalds, Richard Stallman,
Larry Wall - the works.
Q: That is doable. Is it OK with you people?
Quark: And I smell a huge business potential for a movie with them featured
in.
Amanda: Done then, let’s go.
The UNIX Hackers and the Planet of the Hebrews
[
The scenery gradually changes until they appear in a campus of a university
with modern buildings styled like a Mexican village.
]
Jake: Yeah, looks that way!
Dax: As a matter of fact no - we’re still in the same (and different) galaxy
cluster, but on a different galaxy. This isn’t Earth.
Q: Welcome to the Planet of the Hebrews.
Jake: Planet of the Jews?
Q: I said “Hebrews” not “Jews”. These include many ancient Hebrew-speaking
people: Kna’ani, Phoenician, Edomi, Amoni, Midyani, etc. And yes - Israelites
and Jews.
Q: It is one of the Q Continuum’s Themed Planets.
Katie: Way cool! Can I go here when I die?
Amanda: OK, but let’s continue. Here - please enter: [and she opens a door]
[
They enter individually into a large well-lit room. Several well-known
present-day UNIX programmers are sitting there to the front and the left
of the camera next to QWERTY keyboards and computer screens.
]
Amanda: Hi all. Remember how I told you about the mission from your original
Galaxy? Then here they are.
Ken Thompson: Hi all! Welcome, we’re always happy to have some visitors.
Working on the computer all day long, or chatting about the same things with
ourselves for over 400 years gets a bit repetitive really quickly.
[
Some of the missionaries laugh
]
Linus Torvalds: Ken, do you always have to tell this joke?
Ken Thompson: At least it’s new material for everybody who hears it the first
time. Seriously now: we didn’t get bored here, but a nice change of scenery
is always good. We, the living dead, thrive on fresh meat.
Linus: And freshmeat-dot-net.
Katie: Heh. Man, this is so exciting. Just out of curiosity - what are you
doing here? Hacking on the code of the universe?
Larry Wall: Well, we’re still negotiating with God about that, but he’s a
tough negotiator and won’t let’s us near the damn thing. Security by obscurity
considerations or something like that.
Larry Wall: However, we’re working on the next best thing - the source of the
Q Continuum.
Linus: Here - check it out:
[
The camera zooms to show an electrical circuit-like diagram which looks
very messy.
]
Katie: What the hell is this?
Linus: 1,367 bits processors with a large number of 245 bits processor
slaves…
Katie: But that’s not even a power of 2!
Linus: It’s not. Everything is written in Assembly. Very interesting
Assembly. Instructions range in size from 1 bit (the No-op) to several
thousands of bits.
Ken: You should be thankful they are still using bits and not some other
base system. Or that they had Assembly.
Linus: Yes, it is pretty hideous. Now we’re re-implementing it using more
modern, and more sane, technologies.
Katie: Sounds like fun.
Katie: So, come on, tell me about everything: about Unix, about Linux, about
the GNU project, about everything.
Quark: While I find this geek nostalgia amusing, I think we miss the point
of us being in the planet of the Hebrews. We could meet with famous Hebrews
of the past.
Katie: Right, like King David. Oh, can we please meet him?
Ken Thompson: [Clicks a few keys. ] Dave, can you come here for a sec?
[
The door opens and a moderately short man, looks in his thirties, appears. He
has dark red hair, and a small beard.
]
David: David Ben-Yishay. At your service.
Jake: This is gonna make a wonderful story.
David: Yes, I was King David.
Katie: Did you really kill Goliath?
David: Yes, I did. It was nothing really. We Semite shepherds were masters with
the sling. I once hit a Lion at three times the distance, and frankly it
was much more agile than the fully armoured Goliath and his pathetic
shield-bearer.
Jake: Heh, nice. Are you still King here?
David: That’s a long story. See, when the first conscious Hebrew speakers
came here, we were told that this was the underworld. We thought, “Wow! What
a nice underworld!”. So we just ate, drank, played games, made love, played
music and stuff. But we got tired of that.
Jake: So what did you do?
David: We got into philosophy and science. We actually started a short time
before the Greek philosophy took off, but naturally, it then gave us a real
boost. So we established universities and started studying and inventing
stuff.
David: Since we were living dead, we were not influenced by the rise of
Christianity and the middle ages, and just went on. As a result, we’re now
even more advanced than Earth is, as ironic as it is. I became a scholar too.
Jake: What did you specialise in?
David: See, we don’t have that here. Each Scholar (which is our modern term
for “philosopher”) studies various units of knowledge, and passes tests, and
gets credit. But you can study anything you want in any field. The more units
you have the more prestigious you are. I’ve contributed to my own share of
inventions: the camera, the hyper-drive, a few programming languages, other
stuff and a lot of humane things.
David: Anyway, to me being king. Back when the Hebrew peoples came here, we
didn’t see a point in appointing administration. It was just “live and let
live” (well, we could no longer be killed) and “do and let do”. But as more
and more dead Jews (and some dead Christians and Muslims) arrived here,
they sort of wanted me to be king.
Katie: So you became king?
David: Well, not at first. I objected to it. I had much better things to
do than be king again. And naturally, the Edomis, the Phoenicians,
the Moabites, and the others didn’t really want me as king either. But
eventually, I was voted king and reluctantly became one. So now I’m a king.
And a scholar.
Quark: [With the camera] Wonderful, wonderful, I’m sure all those Terrans
will pay mad coin to see this. Keep going.
Bashir: Speaking of Terrans, I don’t suppose Jesus is here.
David: As a matter of fact he is. Let me summon him.
[
They materialise back at the Q Headquarters.
]
Dax: And we’re back in the Q headquarters.
Katie: Yes, we are. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take a break from this
vampire-hunt, and just relax here. I just discovered one of my favourite
professors was King Solomon, and that there was a really big conspiracy
of really ancient people all along history.
Kira: Q, is it OK with you?
Q: Sure, I’ve got all the time you want.
Kira: OK, done then. We’ll take a break.
[
There’s a cat lying on a table there content. He’s half-white and half-grey.
]
Katie: Oh, look! A cat. [She approaches the cat and starts petting it.]
[
The cat purrs and then says:
]
George the Cat: Oh, yeah!
Katie: [Startled] Bleh, you’re a talking cat.
George: Yes, but why did you stop?
Katie: I’m not used to cats talking to me.
George: Ah, well, yes, it takes some pre-vampires time to get used to that
here.
Katie: I suppose you’re older than me.
George: Most probably. I’m about 5 milliard years old.
Katie: Bleh!! You’re older than my planet!
George: I guess, but I’m not older than Q. But still more mature than him, I
think.
George: My race is 10 milliard years old, and we’re older than the Q Continuum.
I’m George, by the way.
Jake: So which Continuum did you originally belong to?
George: Oh! That’s what you Terrans would call the Pythagoras Continuum. It’s
even smaller than the Q Continuum. My wife and I got a little bored there so
we joined the Q Continuum a long while ago.
Katie: I didn’t know Cats mated for life.
George: Neither do humans, but that’s still not a good reason to not get
married.
Katie: I suppose your race was originally Terran-like cats who evolved into
super-intelligent ones.
Katie: Are you people able to convert a Terran cat into a super-intelligent
one.
George: Not just us. [Beep] Pleena, can you come here for a sec.
[
The door opens and Pleena (a humanoid that resembles a Founder) and Mantoleer,
a Jemhadar soldier, enter.
Worf is slightly alarmed.
]
Pleena: [to Worf] That’s OK - we’re Qs.
George: Pleena, Mantoleer, this Terran…
George: …Katie, here asks if you can convert a normal Terran cat into
a super-intelligent one, like me.
Mantoleer: A super-intelligent cat? That’s it? Challenge us! Maybe you’d like
a super-intelligent virus?
Jake: Are super-intelligent viruses possible?
Pleena: Not without ultra-nano-technology, but it would still be a challenge.
Pleena: A super-intelligent cat can be generated by using a 10-line script,
that will take us a few minutes to write.
George: Now, if you please, please continue with your cat affection. [He
jumps into her hands.]
Katie: I would think a super-intelligent, ancient cat like you would transcend
human affection [she pets him behind the ears.]
George: Hey, I may be ancient, but I’m still not blasé!
Katie: That’s good, I suppose.
Jake: Ah, Katie? Would you and George like to go outside?
Katie: Yes, I’d like that.
[
Katie, Jake, Pleena and Mantoleer go out.
]
Kira: Katie, are you all-right?
Katie: Sure. I’ve made new friends, who seem to be Bio-Tech geniuses. I’m
holding a 5 Giga-Years-old-cat in my hands, and I’m still on my first date
with Jake. Life can’t get much better than this.
Katie: Tata!
[
They enter a well-lit Café with many places to sit. There’s a machine looking
like a replicator nearby.
]
Jake: Ueah, I’m thirsty. [Goes to the replicator. To the replicator Orange
juice.
[
A cup of Orange Juice materialises.
]
Katie: Pink lemonade. [Ditto]
[
They drink. The other people order.
]
Katie: Emmm… this tastes delicious. It’s like real lemonade. Much better
than a replicator.
Jake: Yeah, it’s really good.
Pleena: Well, technically these are real juices. This replicator is based on
a transporter’s principle. We take an actual cup of choice store it, and
duplicate it precisely.
Odo: But isn’t it kinda wasteful?
Pleena: Possibly, but the Q Continuum can afford this waste in its current
form.
Mantoleer: The funny thing is that some Qs insist on growing their own
food claiming it tastes better or because they enjoy it. I admit sometimes
the dinner they give with this food are exceptionally delicious, but it
may be a psychological effect.
Katie: Heh. [sips on her drink]
[
Someone enters. He looks in his 50s and wears a cotton sweater with the words
“Q GADOL” embroidered on it.
]
Pleena: Hello Q Gadol. Meet Katie, Jake, Odo, and you already know George and
Mantoleer.
Katie: Q Gadol? “Q is big?”, “Q the big?”, reminds me of what that child said
about “Q”.
Q Gadol: Yes, I was the child, hence my name.
Jake: But you look older than Q, and Q is older.
Q Gadol: By 30 years or so, yes. Anyway, I feel a bit more mature so I’ve made
a choice to look older.
Jake: So can one or cannot one judge a book by its cover?
Q Gadol: Depends how well your book cover intuition is.
Q Gadol: I’m glad to meet you, finally Jake. I’ve been a fan of your stories lately.
Katie: Don’t they rock?! I wish I could write like that. [she kisses Jake on
the cheek]
Jake: [Jake seems content and smiles stupidly] Katie, have you tried starting
from telling about your real-life? I’m sure there are a lot of stuff that
have been happening to you on the OTF-1.
Katie: Well, I may have lied when I said that it was so exciting. Most of the
time, they just hire us to protect shipments, or patrol some operation, and
nothing ever happens. But we’re still needed in case something does. And being
a system administrator-slash-programmer who’s not even a fighter is not
exactly exciting either.
Q Gadol: Yes, but I’m sure you’ll have plenty to write about. Maybe stories
from your childhood, or from college.
Katie: Maybe… but enough about boring ol’ twenty-something-old…
Jake: And looking much younger…
Katie: [Amused.] OK, like I said let’s hear it from the ancient one.
Q Gadol: Well, I don’t suppose my whereabouts a milliard years ago would
be of much interest or relevancy for today. But I can tell you of my
adventures as a German scholar on Earth.
Katie: German? You, what prompted you to become German
Q Gadol: Oh, just a weird fascination with the language and culture. The
Germans are a pretty good lot. I met all the great German-speaking physicists
and mathematicians and Bible researchers and what not. Back before world war
II, German universities were the best in the world, and I enjoyed this fact.
Q Gadol: Yes, what devastated Germany for many years.
Katie: But Germany was hardly affected by it.
Q Gadol: Not true. See, Hitler hated his own people just as much as he
hated Jews or whoever he projected as the enemy-du-jour for people to be
willing to commit their inhuman (if that’s the word) acts.
Q Gadol: See, the Third Law of Motion applies to human actions too: every action
either benefits you and society at large, or it harms both of you. Hitler was
not a bad person at first - maybe he was a little anti-semite, but that’s not
enough to make you bad.
Katie: Reportedly all the greatest gentiles were anti-semite [giggles]
Q Gadol: Well, not all, but it’s been a trend. Anyway, evil is an addiction,
and Hitler became addicted to it. And like Pharaoh in Exodus he wouldn’t
give up even if it was too late. He ended up dead in his bunker.
Q Gadol: We humanoids, or [looking at George] intelligent cats, or whatever,
must fight Evil from within and without. We can never be completely benevolent.
But like being honest, or being objective, or many other good traits, we must
always strive to make the deviations as isolated as possible and to learn
from our mistakes. Because when giving in to lying, dishonesty, subjectivity
or mysticism, lies the road to disaster.
[
Katie is in tears. Cut.
]
[
Cut to the room in the Q Headquarters. Kira is there looking bored.
]
[
The door opens. Kai Blanché - a Bajorean, looking in his 50’s enters,
wearing traditional Vadek clothes.
]
Kai Blanché: Hi! You must be Narris Kira. I am Alesodro Blanché. I’m a great
fan of yours.
Kira: Alesodro Blanché? Kai Blanché? One of the first Kais? But you’ve been
dead for…
Kai Blanché: Millenia, yes. Well, I didn’t actually die. In fact I’ve
become a vampire.
Kira: A vampire? A Bajorean vampire?
Kira: And you’re a fan of me? How is it possible? You’re still considered
one of our best Kais. And a genius. And…
Kai Blanché: Well, everyone gets to pick his heroes.
Quark: If I may interrupt this discussion, I’d like to film it. An old
Bajorean Kai is always good for business.
Kira: Quark, but Bajoreans are poor!
Quark: True, but the industry around the Bajoran prophecies is making
millions. People bet on it like crazy on Ferenginar and other planets.
Kira: And might I add that Bajor sees very little of all this money.
Quark: It’s not my fault that you don’t seem to care enough for making a
profit out of this. In any case, let the camera roll.
Quark: Go on, don’t mind me.
Kai Blanché: Fine by me. I’m sick of being presumed dead and could use some
publicity.
Bashir: [Joins] Sorry for being so ignorant, but what are you so famous
for?
Kai Blanché: Well, following a few prophecies and some interpretations of
them, I began to investigate games. My collaborators and I started to analyse
them mathematically and create as many different variants of games, puzzles,
riddles and other diversions as we could think of. I grew a substantial
cult (well sort-of) collectively known as “Vadek Blanché” that worked on it,
and we started developing what is now known as “Computer Science” - algorithms,
proofs of correctness, Turing models, etc.
Bashir: Wow, did you have computers at the time?
Kai Blanché: We didn’t really as a matter of fact. Our enthusiasm actually
prompted the Bajorans to investigate ways to realise these things. By the time
my first cadence was terminated, we already had electronic computers.
Kai Blanché: I must say I was not never very enthusiastic about the cult surrounding
me and how I got most of the credit. After my ascension to a vampire, I got
so tired of Maths and Computer Science that I spent my next life as a simple
farmer. Nowadays I mostly travel around my original Galaxy and other
galaxies as I see fit as a Q.
Bashir: Interesting. By the way, isn’t Blanché a French name?
Kai Blanché: Indeed, I adopted this name after the name that the prophets
told to be of one our Gods, who turned out to be a Terran.
Bashir: [Amusingly] Gods!
Kira: Well, the Bajoran religion is unusual in that our supreme beings
are the Prophets, who in turn assign “Gods”, who are lesser and not
omnipotent. As such Bajor has become known as “The Stock Exchange of the Gods”.
Kira: We sometimes prefer calling these entities “Profiles”.
Kai Blanché: Indeed. I should note that after communicating with the Prophets
enough (we Qs don’t need the proximity to the wormhole, or the orbs) it’s
become more of a hobby and an obsession than a faith to me. I kinda started
to think of the prophets as my friends.
Bashir: What about The Emissary?
Kai Blanché: Oh he’s a God all-right, one of our most important one, but by
no means the only one. Our most famous profile was The Invisible. See, we
figured out we would never know who he was. But we did here.
Kai Blanché: [Laughs] I’ll give you one guess.
[
Kira, Bashir and Dax think for a while; meanwhile Q smiles a big, stupid,
smile; then they look in Q’s direction.
]
Q: I’m indeed the invisible and proud of it. It’s so flattering being
the most famous Bajoran God. And I feel like I deserve it.
Kira: And I’m glad to see it didn’t go to your head.
Quark: This is great stuff.
Kai Blanché: Naturally there’s a huge problem unifying profiles as time
progresses. At ancient times we had very pictorial names such as
“The One who stands at the top of the Tower” or “The Wandering Son of
the Lion”. As Bajoran mentality advanced, they became “The Front-End”
and “The Wandering Jew”.
Bashir: Heh, cool. But really, what is the Invisible famous for?
Kai Blanché: For example, he is the one who suggested Artaxerxes to bring
Vashti to the guests.
Bashir: Seriously? How come he interfered so much with the Earth’s population?
Doesn’t the Q continuum know better than that.
Amanda: See Doctor, the Q Continuum doesn’t have the Federation’s
constitutional disapprovement of interfering with less advanced
civilisations.
Bashir: Interesting. I suppose the Federation would appear primitive to
the Q Continuum too.
Amanda: Yes, and well, Q is a force of nature. He tends to perform some very
unorthodox actions that even most Qs tend not to do, and yet they seem to
turn out for the best in the end. No one knows how it works, but it does.
[
Cut to Q Gadol, Katie, Jake, Odo, etc.
]
Jake: I’m curious what happened to the original Nazi leaders.
Q Gadol: Ah that. Well, most of the Nazi big wigs ended up dead or presecuted
to death after the Nuremberg Trials, so Q waited until they were all there.
He then got me to lecture to them and determine their collective fate.
Q Gadol: I told them, in German: “You may have considered yourself an empire. But
you were the empire of evil. And evil is nothing but laziness, irrationality,
and self-destruction.” Then I gave them some more lecturing about the action
and reaction law of human relations, and their self-created realities, and how
they were misleading themselves and became addicted to mysticism and all of
its bad manifestations.
Q Gadol: Finally, I told Q to displace them to a Galaxy with relatively hostile
conditions, in order to punish them.
Katie: So you didn’t kill them?
Q Gadol: As a matter of fact, no. It is a policy of the Q Continuum and similar
continuums to never kill any conscious individual.
Katie: So what happened to them?
Q Gadol: They established the so-called “Empire of Evil”. And they are an
Empire. They now control 14 home star systems. It was actually a useful
shake to that Galaxy.
Katie: And are they evil?
Q Gadol: Nah, not at all. It’s just part of their image.
Katie: Hah these days you find it harder to tell evil from non-evil.
Q Gadol: Well, a good rule of a thumb is that evil corpora don’t admit
they are evil, so if someone says he is, then he isn’t.
George: For instance, I’m an evil cat.
[
Katie pats him affectionately. George purrs.
]
Odo: Speaking of evil, by the way, may I be prudent enough to ask what the
Q Continuum knows of the origin of the changelings and the founders?
Pleena: Sure. See, the technology of the self-changing lifeforms was actually
artificially created, and not by the founders. It was an Iconian innovation
developed by some of their best biologists, who left remnants of it on the
changelings’ home planet.
Jake: Why did they abandon it?
Pleena: Well, they realised it was an unnatural and inconvenient life-form
that left the mind in a crazy state, longing for being a “solid”.
Odo: I can attest it. I am much happier now as a solid than I was as a liquid.
As a liquid, I wasn’t aware of all the great things I’ve missed.
Pleena: Indeed. In any case, many years later, a group of humanoid biologists
from nearby planets investigated the technology and were able to apply it to
themselves. They were so happy that they could change their form that they
ended up as changelings, and ended up as this race with their origins lost
in history.
Pleena: From there to establishing the dominion was a short step.
Jake: By the way, what happened to the Iconians?
Pleena: Oh? Nothing really - they ascended into the Q Continuum. They left
their gateways scattered around the galaxy, in hope that the future races will
be able to visit other races and learn about them. However, with the
contemporary climate of our galaxy, most of them were destroyed out of being
considered security breaches.
Katie: One can think it was naïve of them.
Pleena: Well, some people would rather err on naïvity than on cynicism.
[
Cut to the room where Q, Blanché, Gadzia, Kira, etc. are.
A woman who looks in her thirties enters - Avigayil.
]
Avigayil: Hi, Q, dear, I think you’d like to take a look at that. [She hands
him a tablet]
Avigayial: Oh, sorry for not introducing myself. I’m Avigayil, a good friend
of Q. And his former wife.
Gadzia: [Surprised.] You were married to Q?
Avigayil: Yes, and also mothered two of his children. Story of my life.
Gadzia: Wow! Q, “The Invisible” has children?
Kira: Well, duh! The prophets spoke of several of The Invisible’s children and
their whereabouts.
Gadzia: Major, you and I will need to talk someday about that “duh”.
[
Kira bursts into laughter.
]
Gadzia: Well, now that I’ve realised that nothing in this universe is holy…
gossip please!
Worf: Commander Dax, I explicitly prohibit you from asking about Mr. Q’s
role as a husband or a father.
Gadzia: You are right, Commander. I’ve realised something: through all this trip
through the wonders of the Q’s continuum I’ve been far too selfish and only
thought about myself. I should have thought about you, too.
[
She turns towards Avigayil
]
Gadzia: Avigayil, could you by any chance allow us to meet Kahless the
Unforgettable in his Living Dead self, I’m sure Commander Worf here would love
to meet him.
Worf: Actually, Commander, I don’t think…
Gadzia: [Interrupting him] Oh, you don’t? That’s a shame. Well, I’ll go meet
him alone (always wanted to, you know). Worf, I think Kahless will be
disappointed not to meet you, but I’ll tell him you’re a big fan of his, and
I’ll let you watch the video of me meeting him and…
Worf: [Sighs] Commander Dax, you are impossible.
Worf: Fine, let’s go meet Kahless if that’s humanly possible.
Avigayil: Sounds good. The whole mission from Deep Space Nine can go with you,
I’ll notify Kahless. He’s a big fan of a lot of you.
Amanda: OK, let’s summon Katie and her gang of no-goodnicks too. She wouldn’t
want to miss it.
Quark: Yes, and it’s high time we merged the two sub-plots in the future
movie. “Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. But only for your customers”.
Rule of acquisition No. 172.
Katie: OK, we’re here. Kahless the Unforgettable - ready or not - here we come!
Avigayil: Sure thing, here we go.
[
The Scene gradually changes to a large hall where Kahless is standing.
]
Kahless: Worf! [he laughs] We meet again, finally. Reaches to hug him.
[
Worf hugs him while smiling in a fake manner.
]
Worf: So you did appear during my vision.
Kahless: In a way. See: I’ve watched you for a while when you were younger,
and when I asked the Q Continuum for a favour to appear in your vision at
when the time was right. So I appeared there in my living dead form with
help from one of the Q’s here.
Worf: So you are still alive flesh and blood.
Kahless: Indeed. Alive and kicking.
Dax: Mr. Kahless, I’ve heard so much about you and I’m a big fan. Did
everything that they said about your competency as a warrior is true?
Kahless: Hardly. See, my image was greatly exaggerated after my death. As
good a fighter as I had been, I lost some exercise battles even at my prime,
and could never successfully physically fight against entire armies of
capable fighters. No one could.
Kahless: Indeed. Some time after my death, the noble Klingon fighting tradition
has somewhat deteriorated into only considering Batelath fight or similar fight
using weapons. But I possessed a far different and far more effective weapon -
my words and deeds.
Kahless: you see: I was able to convince people; to compromise with them; to
even become convinced. And we would spare the bloodshed, and would both win.
Kahless: the Living Dead Klingons have little use for hurting ourselves physically,
and instead we worked on advancing our technology, and reaching the other
themed planets of the Q continuum in this galaxy. So for example, we made
contact with the Planet of the Hebrews, the Planet of the Celts, the Planet
of the Greek - all have some very awe-inspiring fighters.
Worf: hmm… this is one aspect of fighting that has eluded most modern day
Klingons, and I’m sure they’ll appreciate me bringing you this message.
Quark: [while busy panning the camera] you can count on that.
Worf: that put aside, I was wondering… if… we…
Kahless: [laughs] of course, I never object to a good fight, especially not
when death is out of the question - which is the case now for me as a living
dead.
[
Avigayil snaps her fingers, and two Batelaths appear next to Worf and to
Kahless.
]
Avigayil: these Batelaths are according to your preferences.
[
Kahless and Worf pick them up and hold them, and they start fighting. The
battle is fierce, but eventually Worf causes Kahless’ Batelath to drop off
his hands, pins Kahless, and looks angry.
Kahless laughs.
]
Kahless: I was the best fighter of my time, but Batelath fighting has
progressed by leaps and bounds since my time, and you are simply a better
fighter.
Kahless: Oh! And I’m a little out of shape. We don’t get a lot of motivation to
fight using a Batelath here. We have much more worthy forms of fighting to
do, as I have said.
[
Worf grins, laughs, drops his Batelath, helps Kahless get up, and they hug.
]
