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Quotes from Friends - (Fortunes Cookies) - Shlomi Fish’s Collection
The “friends” Fortune Cookies Collection
The Fortunes Themselves
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #1
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Phoebe:
Yeah, so I said, “OK, relax please,” y’know, I mean, sex can be just
about two people right there in the moment, y’know, it’s, if he wants to see
me again he can call and if not, that’s fine too. So after a looooot of
talking… I convinced him.
Joey:
Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got
you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was
a great idea.
Joey:
This man is my God.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #2
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Chandler:
Alright, ok, alright. So I can’t fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep
with his wife.
Chandler:
Yeah, Karen. I’m thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you
know what? I just did.
Joey:
Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man.
Chandler:
Oh well it’s not me, it’s my character, Chandy. Yeah, the rogue
processor who seduces his co-workers’ wives for sport and then laughs about
it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there
in my drawer.
Chandler:
No freakshow, she’s fictional.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #3
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Monica:
Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It’s just two people
going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Chandler:
Sounds like a date to me.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #4
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Rachel:
Let me tell you something. As a woman there, is nothing sexier than a
man who does not want to have sex.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #5
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Duncan [Phoebe’s Husband]:
Oh God, I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m
straight.
Phoebe:
I, I don’t, I don’t understand, how can you be straight? I mean,
you’re, you’re so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award
parties.
Duncan:
I know, that’s what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point
where you can’t live a lie anymore.
Phoebe:
So how long have you known?
Duncan:
Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I
was supposed to be something else, you know, I’m an ice dancer, all my
friends are gay, I was just tryin’ to fit in.
Phoebe:
And um, and there’s actually a, a woman?
Duncan:
Her name’s Debra.
Phoebe:
Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you’ve been with?
Duncan:
Well, I’ve never told you this but, there were one or two times,
back in college, when I’d get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up
with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and
e-everyone experiments in college.
Duncan:
But now I know I don’t have a choice about this, I was born
this way.
Phoebe:
I, I don’t know what to say. I mean, you know, you’re married to
someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says,
’Oh, I’m not gay.’
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #6
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Rachel:
Why have I never tasted these before?
Phoebe:
Oh, I don’t make them a lot because I don’t think it’s fair to the
other cookies.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #7
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Monica:
Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel,
[hands him a lasagna] but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375
until the cheese bubbles.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #8
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Chandler:
I think you should go back with Gary. I don’t wanna be the guy
that breaks up a family, y’know when my parents split up, it was because of
that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y’know ’You’re the
reason, you are the reason why their not together.’ and I hated that guy. And
it didn’t matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #9
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Monica:
I feel terrible, I really do.
Rachel:
Oh, I’m sorry, did my back hurt your knife?
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #10
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Joey:
These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all…stop
lastin’.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #11
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Phoebe:
OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you?
Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat,
it’s not your fault] OK, sorry. I’m just, I’m just not getting that everyone
um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could
talk about this, ’cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.
Producer:
Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. It’s just that it’s costing
about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.
Phoebe:
Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you love it, let’s go.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #12
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Ross:
No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the
cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the
Flintstones.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #13
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Phoebe:
Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.
Phoebe:
I don’t know, I mean, he’s a good person, and he can be really sweet,
and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it’s just… I hate that guy!
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #14
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Ross:
You uh, you don’t believe in gravity?
Phoebe:
Well, it’s not so much that you know, like I don’t believe in it,
you know, it’s just…I don’t know, lately I get the feeling that I’m not so
much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #15
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Erica:
[= Joey’s looney fan] Drake, what’re you getting at?
Ross:
That’s right, he’s not Drake, he’s Hans Remore, Drake’s evil twin.
Racehl:
Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended
to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]
Monica:
And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn’t. [throws
water in his face]
Chandler:
And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in
his face]
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #16
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Rachel:
No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens [in the show].
Joey:
Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.
Rachel:
Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?
Monica:
Rachel, it’s a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #17
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Ross:
I don’t know, I don’t get, I don’t get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months
ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I’m takin messages
from guys she, she meets at the movies?
I mean this, this Casey should be takin’ down my messages, ya know, or, or,
Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of
me, message service.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #18
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Joey:
Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you
made fun of me?
Chandler:
OK, well that’s the part where I’m a wank. But I was hoping we
wouldn’t focus on that.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #19
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Joey:
When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found
out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #20
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ROSS:
See what? I don’t know what she [=Rachel] sees in… innn that goober.
And it takes him, what? Like… like… I don’t know, uhh… uhhh, hello…
a… week, to get out a sentence.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #21
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Monica:
Rachel you have to read this book. It’s called
“Be Your Own Windkeeper”. It’s about how women need to become more empowered.
Phoebe:
Yeah and oh, and but there’s, there’s wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes out wind? Men,
they just take it.
Rachel:
Men just take out wind?
Phoebe:
Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the lightning bearers.
Rachel:
Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like The Hobbit.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #22
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Phoebe:
Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and
can’t find him. Now, I’ve looked ahead on the tape and he does find him
again. But, ok, before that happens, there’s some pretty rough goin’ for a
while but I think we can handle it. And, there’s just the alphabet but we
know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]
Ernie [in the videotape]:
Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend
Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.
Phoebe:
[to Ben] Oh, I’m so glad you’re here.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #23
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Chandler:
You’re just, you’re just clearly not familiar with our young
persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.
Chandler:
No no, seriously, Joey’s my dad, Monica’s my dad. I’ve even got
some dads down at work.
Richard:
That’s fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic
evening and I guess I’ll just see you kids around.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #24
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Monica:
Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don’t wanna be one
of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day
with them.
Monica:
It’s just that he doesn’t have that much free time, ya know, and I
don’t know, what do I do?
Phoebe:
Does it matter? You’re ultimately just gonna die or get divorced
or have to blow your pets head off.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #25
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Phoebe:
Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?
Joey:
Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the
accident? Well the line in the script was, “If we don’t get this woman to a hospital, she’s going to die.” But I made it, “If this woman doesn’t get to a hospital, she’s not gonna live.”
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #26
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Janice:
Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the
six of you?
Phoebe:
Wow, it’s like a dirty math problem.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #27
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Chandeler:
All right, let’s get some perspective here, ok? These things,
they happen for a reason.
Chandler:
All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma
crap, don’t you?
Phoebe:
Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #28
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Monica:
Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.
Monica:
We were shopping, and we had lunch.
Phoebe:
Oh, all right. What did I have?
Phoebe:
Oh, no wonder I don’t feel full.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #29
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Rachel:
Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?
Phoebe:
Oh, alright, that’s it, now I have to go see him.
Phoebe:
Hamburger. McDonald’s. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a
pharm-acist.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #30
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Erica:
I don’t understand, why didn’t you help that man?
Joey:
Uhh, cause, uhh, I’m a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh,
uh, foodal chokage.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #31
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Phoebe:
Today we’re gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
Phoebe:
[singing]
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that’s how we get hamburgers.
+++: Nooowww, chickens!
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #32
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Joey:
Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am
not Drake Remore, OK. I’m not even a doctor, I’m an actor. I just pretend
to be a doctor.
Erica:
Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #33
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Nurse:
All right, all right, there’s a few too many people in this room,
and there’s about to be one more, so anybody who’s not an ex-husband or a
lesbian life partner, out you go!
Chandler:
[to nurse] Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol’s lesbian life
partner?
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #34
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Ross:
[to Ben] I know, I know. Everybody, there’s someone I’d like you to
meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.
Phoebe:
Susan, he looks just like you.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #35
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Monica:
So we’re back on?
Monica:
You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can’t believe I lost
2 minutes.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #36
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Phoebe:
I don’t know how to say this, but I think when your wife’s spirit
left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.
Mr. Adelman:
You’re saying, my wife is in you?
Phoebe:
Yeah. Ok, you don’t have to believe me but um, can you think of any
unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she’d be hanging
around?
Mr. Adelman:
Well, I don’t know what to tell you, Dear. The only thing I can
think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to
see everything.
Phoebe:
Whoa, that’s a lot of stuff.
Mr. Adelman:
Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with
me one last time.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #37
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[
At Carol & Susan’s lesbian wedding]
Rachel:
Hey, Mom? Having fun?
Mrs Green:
Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And
three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I’m not saying it’s
something I wanna pursue, but it’s nice to know I have options.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #38
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Susan:
Come on. I’ll let you lead.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #39
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Ross:
Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach
things?
Monica:
You wanna be in charge of the food committee?
Ross:
Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?
Joey:
Really. Why can’t we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have
fun?
Phoebe:
Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if
you’re fancy on the inside and I’m just not sure we are.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #40
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Monica:
Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just
weren’t ready for you yet.
Mrs. Greene:
You thought I was Rachel?
Chandler:
Yes because uh, you look so young.
Phoebe:
And because you’re both, you know, white women.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #41
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Phoebe:
Listen if you wanna go, just go.
Gunter:
No, she’ll yell at me again.
Phoebe:
Alright, I can get you out.
Phoebe:
Shh. In a minute, I’m gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk
quickly to the door and don’t look back.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #42
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[
At Rachel’s double birthday party]
Phoebe:
Ok, ok, she’s taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but
it has to be now, she’ll be back any minute.
Girl 1:
What about my friend Victor?
Phoebe:
No, only the three of you, any more than that and she’ll get
suspicious.
Girl 1:
Alright, let me just get my coat.
Phoebe:
There isn’t time. You must leave everything. They’ll take care
of you next door.
Girl 1:
Is it true they have beer?
Phoebe:
Everything you’ve heard is true.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #43
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Ross:
Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how’s everything in the uh, vascular surgery
….game?
Mr. Greene:
It’s not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today.
Ross:
I’m sorry. See that’s the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs
on my table are already dead.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #44
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Monica:
Ok everybody, it’s time for flan.
Chandler:
Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.
Joey:
Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.
Monica:
Ok, that’s enough.
Phoebe:
Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish.
Rachel:
Ok, I’ve got one.
[
blows out the candles. Somebody calls out ’heads up’ and the volleyball
lands in the flan]
Rachel:
Wow, those things almost never come true.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #45
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Phoebe:
Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world
peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest…And bigger boobs!
Ross:
Yeah, see.. you took mine.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #46
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Chandler:
Phoebs, play with meeee.
Phoebe:
No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist
by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights
violation.
Chandler:
Ya know Phoebs, don’t feel so bad for ’em. After they’re done
playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty
good time.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #47
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Ryan:
If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to
when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid
and rub him all over my face.
Phoebe:
Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn’t have them now.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #48
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Joey:
Well, see when you’re acting you need to think about stuff like that.
My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and
Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.
Chandler:
Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #49
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Chandler:
She’s amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like
short, fat, bald men!
Monica:
Well, go over to her! She’s not with anyone.
Chandler:
Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? ’Excuse me.
Blarrglarrghh.’
Rachel:
Oh, c’mon. She’s a person, you can do it!
Chandler:
Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up
here.
Ross:
He could never get a woman like that in a million years.
Chandler:
Thank you, buddy.
Phoebe:
Oh, oh, but y’know, you always see those really beautiful
women with those really nothing guys. You could be one of those guys!
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #50
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Chandler:
Well, y’know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the
way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking,
all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy’s
fantasy!
Phoebe:
Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?
Ross:
No, of course not! [Thinks] …Yeah, yeah, it is.
Monica:
What? So you guys don’t mind going out with someone else who’s
going out with someone else?
Monica:
Good for you, Joey.
Joey:
When I’m with a woman, I need to know that I’m going out with more
people than she is.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #51
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Phoebe:
Well, you know what Chandler? I think you’ve gotta face it. You’re
like, the guy in the big office, you know. You’re the one that hires them,
that fires them… They still say you’re a great boss.
Phoebe:
Uh huh. But they’re not your friends anymore.
Chandler:
I just want to--
Phoebe:
No, but you can’t.
Chandler:
But I just wa--
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #52
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Phoebe:
Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with
them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.
Chandler:
You think I should?
Phoebe:
I really do, yeah.
Phoebe:
Oh, but, could we not go together? I, I don’t wanna be the geek
that invited the boss.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #53
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Chandler:
And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica:
No, of course not. It’s not even an issue. Cause I told him I was
22.
Monica:
Oh, I can’t pass for 22?
Phoebe:
Well, maybe 25-26.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #54
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Chandler:
You’re okay there?
Ross:
I can’t belive you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler:
I’m sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was
in somebody else’s subconscious.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #55
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Monica:
Okay. It’s-it’s about Alan. There’s something that you should know.
I mean, there’s really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I’ve decided to break
up with Alan.
Ross:
Is there somebody else?
Monica:
No, nononono… it’s just… things change. People change.
Rachel:
We didn’t change!
Joey:
So that’s it? It’s over? Just like that?
Phoebe:
You know… you let your guard down, you start to really care about
someone, and I just- I- [chews her hair]
Monica:
Look, I- I could go on pretending-
Monica: -but that wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Alan- It
wouldn’t be fair to you!
Ross:
Who-who wants fair? Y’know, I just want things back. Y’know, the way
they were.
Chandler:
[Sarcastic] Oh, she’s sorry! I feel better!
Rachel:
[Tearful] I just can’t believe this! I mean, with the holidays
coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-
Monica:
I’ll meet somone else. There’ll be other Alans.
Monica:
Are you guys gonna be okay?
Ross:
Hey hey, we’ll be fine. We’re just gonna need a little time.
Monica:
[dubious] I understand.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #56
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Monica [on the phone]:
Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I
just finished and we’ve got leftovers… Chicken and potatoes… What am I
wearing?… Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.
[
Chandler and Joey come sprinting in]
Joey:
Ya know, one of these times you’re gonna really be naked and we’re
not gonna come over.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #57
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Chandler:
Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act,
y’know? I mean it’s like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through
before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross:
Yeah, and-and it’s not that we don’t like the comedian, it’s
that-that… that’s not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler:
The problem is, though, after the concert’s over, no matter how
great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again,
y’know? I mean, we’re in the car, we’re fighting traffic… basically just
trying to stay awake.
Rachel:
Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next
time you’re gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album
alone.
Joey:
[Pause]….Are we still talking about sex?
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #58
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Phoebe:
Yeah. We don’t speak. She’s like this high-powered, career driven
type.
Chandler:
What does she do?
Phoebe:
She’s a waitress.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #59
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[
Joey and Chandler are watching T.V.]
Phoebe:
You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional
people.
Joey:
No, inside good, outside bad.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #60
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Monica:
Alright, but I’m very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise
you won’t get all big-brothery and judgmental.
Ross:
Oh, I promise, what.
Monica:
It’s Richard Burke.
Ross:
Who’s Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor
Burke? Why? Why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he’s like
a uh, brother… to dad.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #61
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[
Rachel dashes into the cafe, excited.]
Rachel:
Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her.
Cramp, cramp.
Chandler:
Ok, I think she’s trying to tell us something. Quick, get the
verbs.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #62
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Joey:
He’s right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
Chandler:
Course there, they just call it food.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #63
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Joey:
It was amazing! And not just for her… uh-uh. For me, too. It’s
like, all of a sudden, I’m blind. But all my other senses are heightened,
y’know? It’s like… I was able to appreciate it on another level.
Chandler:
I didn’t know you had another level.
Joey:
I know! Neither did I!
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #64
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Monica:
Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?
Rachel:
From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #65
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Rachel:
Well, I have to be, I don’t really have a choice, I mean, you know,
I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two
birthday cakes.
Chandler:
Well, actually just one birthday flan.
Chandler:
It’s a traditional Mexican custard dessert…Look talk to Monica,
she’s on the food committee.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #66
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Rachel:
Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I’m gonna go talk to mom
for a while.
Ross:
Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers?
Rachel:
Uhh, let’s just stay clear of
“I’m the guy that’s doing your daughter” and you
should be ok.
Excerpt from the TV Show Friends - #67
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Chandler:
I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it
as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We
could totally be ourselves, we didn’t have to play any games…
Monica:
So have you called her yet?
Chandler:
Let her know I like her? What are you, insane?
It’s the next day! How needy do I want to seem?
[To the guys] I’m right, right?
Joey & Ross:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.
Monica:
I can’t believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one
of you people.
Phoebe:
Oh, God, just do it! Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!
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Joey:
Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it
real expensive?
Chandler:
Well, only if you order stuff.
Joey:
I’m takin’ Orsula tonight. It’s her birthday.
Ross:
Whoa. What about Phoebe’s birthday?
Joey:
Oh, man. What’re the odds of that happening?
Ross:
You take your time.
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Chandler:
[Entering with an issue of Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and
it turns out, I do put career before men.
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Mr. Geller:
Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You
know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her
Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he
did.
Mr. Geller:
Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam’s nickel, because he was also
strafing German troop trains at the time.
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Ross:
Mon, Mon, are you OK?
Monica:
You remember that video I found of mom and dad?
Monica:
Well, I just caught the live show.
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Joey:
Hey, this isn’t about juice anymore, alright man.
Chandler:
Alright, so what’s it about?
Joey:
Eggs. Who’s eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?
Chandler:
Well I like both eggs equally.
Joey:
Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You
like one better than the other and I wanna know which.
Chandler:
Well what’s the difference? Your eggs aren’t here anymore, are
they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find
new eggs?
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[
on “The Days of our Lives”:]
Dr. Remore:
I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.
Dr. Remore:
There’s something I never told you Amber. I’m actually your
half-brother.
[
Everyone gasps. The show ends.]
Rachel:
So what happens next?
Joey:
Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then
Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And
that’s where I find the world’s biggest emerald. It’s really big but it’s
cursed.
Chandler:
God, that is good TV.
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Joey:
Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke
up.
Chandler:
That’s not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut
clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say that
I don’t have goals!
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Ross:
Anyway. That’s when our Mom said we were not to play football ever
again.
Monica:
Y’know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it’s
been twelve years.
Ross:
Can I see you for a second?
[
They walk over to the sink and discuss it for a moment]
Monica:
[shouting] Once!!
Ross:
All right, we’re gonna play.
Chandler:
But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though,
because my Mom won’t let me cross the street.
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Rachel:
We should definitely play football more often. Maybe there’s like
a league we could join or something.
Phoebe:
Isn’t there a national football league?
Chandler:
Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights.
Rachel:
Oh shoot! I work Monday nights.
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Phoebe:
Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if
you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing
ritual.
Rachel:
Phoebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Phoebe:
Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It’s Valentine’s
Day. It’s perfect.
Monica:
Ok, well, what kind of ritual?
Phoebe:
Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.
Phoebe:
Or…or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.
Rachel:
Burning’s good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.
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Ross:
I’m just sayin’ if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the
whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies
from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn’t just lose three hours, he loses
like a week and a half.
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Janice:
You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like
a foghorn: “Janice! Janice!”. You want me. You need me. You can’t live
without me. And you know it. You just don’t know you know it.
See ya.
[
She kisses him passionately,then leaves.]
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Frank Jr.:
Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn’t perfect, but y’know it was pretty
cool, y’know, ’cause we had all those great talks y’know.
Phoebe:
Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?
Frank:
Well y’know about the tongue thing, y’know, and how I told you about
my likes and my dislikes…
Frank:
How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn’t melt.
Phoebe:
Right, okay, um-mm.
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Monica:
So, Chandler, who’s on your list?
Chandler:
Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth,
and ah, Jessica Rabbit.
Rachel:
Now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon, and way out of your
league?
Chandler:
I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes
to pop out of her head.
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[
Monica is in her bed but can’t fall asleep]
Monica (voiceover):
If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the
shoes.
No. Don’t do this.
This is stupid! I don’t have to prove anything,
I’m gonna go get them… But then everyone will know.
Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back!
…I need help!
[Buries her head in her pillow]
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Monica:
Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y’know, the-the old Monica would - would
remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush…But I’m not
gonna do that.
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Rachel:
Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.
Ross:
Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.
Rachel:
Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c’mon, I’m so much happier
with you than I ever was with him.
Rachel:
Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it
really was was just, you know, meaningless animal sex.
[
Realizing what she just said.]
Rachel:
Ok, you know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.
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Phoebe:
I can’t believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys
could watch TV with your feet up.
Chandler:
Well they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived
in the wild.
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Rachel:
Yes, but I, I think about who’s apartment we’re gonna sleep at
tomorrow night and, and where we’re gonna have dinner next Saturday night.
I do not think about what our children’s names are gonna be. [watches Ross’
expression] You know what our children’s names are gonna be.
Ross:
No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named
Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.
Rachel:
What was the book?
Ross:
The Big Book of Children’s Names.
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Ross:
Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y’know, back in college, Susan
Sallidor did [think Chandler was gay].
Chandler:
You’re kidding! Did you tell her I wasn’t?
Ross:
No. No, it’s just ’cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too,
so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman… who also
liked her.
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Monica:
So, Ross, what’s going on with you? Any stories? [Digs her elbow
into his hand] No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?
Ross:
[Pulls his hand away] Okay! Okay. [To Mr. & Mrs. Geller] Look, I, uh-
I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol
and me, and, so, well, here’s the deal. Carol’s a lesbian. She’s living
with a woman named Susan. She’s pregnant with my child, and she and Susan
are going to raise the baby.
Mrs. Geller:
[Turns to Monica] And you knew about this?!
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[
Rachel is on the phone]
Rachel:
Okay. [listens] Okay, daddy we’ll see you tomorrow night. [listens]
Okay bye-bye. [hangs up]
Rachel:
Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that’s
okay.
Ross:
Oh shoot, tomorrow’s not so good, I’m supposed to um, fall off the
Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
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Joey:
Hey, Monica bought a bed from the “Mattress King”?
Phoebe:
Yeah, so please, please, please, don’t say anything to Chandler.
Joey:
You want me to lie to Chandler?
Phoebe:
Is that a problem?
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Dr. Green:
You know what’s really good here, the lobster. What do you say
- shall I just order three?
Ross:
Yeah, if you’re really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a
joke, I made a joke.
Rachel:
Yeah. Actually, Daddy, Ross is allergic to lobster.
Dr. Green:
What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of
person that works at a library.
Ross:
It’s not a library…
Dr. Green:
[interrupting him] I know!! It’s a museum! What, you’re the
only one around here who can make a joke? At least mine was funny.
Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu.
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Joey:
Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I’ve never been able to cry as
an actor, so if I’m in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my
pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let’s
say I wanna convey that I’ve just done something evil. That would be the
basic “I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it”.
[Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.]
Okay, let’s say I’ve just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and
divide 232 by 13. [looks all confused] And that’s how it’s done. Great soap
opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
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Phoebe:
I’m, I’m freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and
she shouldn’t have! All right, I haven’t lived here in a while, so I have
to ask you something: does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?
Phoebe:
I am soo dead. [goes to Monica’s room]
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Ross:
Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn’t work.
Rachel:
Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that’s
why you have got to be the bigger man here.
Ross:
Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man,
I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn’t make any
difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say “Like me! Like me tiny doctor!”
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Rachel:
What? It’s true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
Dr. Green:
Come on! You’re just titling! [to Ross] Her legs are fine!
Dr. Green:
So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?
Rachel:
I’m sorry, let her?
Ross:
What can I do, she doesn’t listen to me about renter’s insurance
either.
Dr. Green:
Wait a minute, you don’t have renter’s insurance?!
Dr. Green:
Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run
after him with one leg shorter than the other?!
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Joey:
And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.
Phoebe:
Have fun. Oh wait, no, don’t! I forgot I am totally against that
now.
Joey:
What? Me having a job?
Phoebe:
No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime,
and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly
lights. [to Joey] Hey, how do you sleep at night?
Joey:
Well, I’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey,
Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be
Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people
happy.
[
Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically motions to Chandler
to help him out.]
Chandler:
Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most
of them, it’s the only chance to see New York.
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Ross:
Hi, I’m selling Brown Bird cookies.
Woman:
You’re no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole.
Ross:
No, hi, I’m, I’m an honorary Brown Bird [does the Brown Bird salute.]
Woman:
What does that mean?
Ross:
Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I’m not invited to
sleep-overs.
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Joey:
If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you’ve got nothing pushing
you to get another one. You need the fear.
Chandler:
He’s right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go
after a job you really want.
Rachel:
Well then how come you’re still at a job that you hate, I mean why
don’t you quit and get `the fear’?
[
Chandler and Joey both laugh]
Chandler:
Because, I’m too afraid.
Rachel:
I don’t know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer,
you know, or a buyer…. Oh, I just don’t want to be 30 and still work
here.
Chandler:
Yeah, that’d be much worse than being 28, and still working here.
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Rachel:
[entering] Okay, stop what you’re doing, I need envelope stuffers,
I need stamp lickers…..
Ross:
Well hey, who did these resumes for ya?
Chandler:
Me! On my computer.
Ross:
Well you sure used a large font.
Chandler:
Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad
co-captain only took up so much room.
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[
At the Brown Bird meeting]
Ross:
[to the girl sitting next to him] Hi there. How many, how many ah,
did you sell?
Girl:
I’m not gonna tell you! You’re the bad man who broke Sarah’s leg.
Ross:
Hey now! That was an accident, okay.
Girl:
You’re a big scrud.
Girl:
Why don’t you look in the mirror, scrud.
Ross:
I don’t have to. I can just look at you.
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Ross:
What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?
Ross:
And he’s, he’s a total stranger?
Rachel:
Yeah! His name is um, Mark something.
Ross:
Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex.
Ross:
Well, I’m just saying, I mean why else would he just, y’know, swoop
in out of nowhere for no reason.
Ross:
Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?
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[
Chandler enters hungover and groaning ]
Chandler:
Well, my apartment isn’t there anymore, because I drank it.
Phoebe:
Where’d you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the
presents.
Chandler:
Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.
Chandler:
Ow, no “woo-hooing,” no “woo-hooing.”
Phoebe:
Why, what happened?
Chandler:
Ah, I fooled around with Joey’s sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well,
that’s not the worst part.
Monica:
What is the worse part?
Chandler:
I can’t remember which sister.
Ross:
[To Rachel] You see what men do! Don’t tell me men are nice!
[points to Chandler ] This is men!!
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[
Some knocking is heard from the ceiling]
Ross:
Ah, somebody’s at the door on the ceiling.
Rachel:
Noo, that’s our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.
Monica:
He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything.
Phoebe:
Why don’t you go up there and ask him to “step lightly, please?”
Monica:
I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up
there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.
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Ross:
I’m hurt! I’m actually hurt, that you would think that I would send
you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt!
Rachel:
All right Ross!! I get it!!
Ross:
…can’t, can’t a guy send a barbershop quartet to
his girlfriend’s office anymorrrrre!!
Rachel:
Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you
were marking your territory. I mean you might have
well have just come in and peed all around my desk!
Ross:
I would never do that.
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Chandler:
All right fine, don’t do anything, just sit here
and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him
about you. And he’s being Mr. Joe Sensitive,and she
starts thinking “Maybe this is the guy for me,
because he understands me.”
Joey:
And before you know it, she’s with him. And you’ll
be all, “Ohh, man!” And he’ll be all, “Yes!” And
us, we’ll be like, “Wh-whoa, dude.” And pretty soon
you’ll be like, [sadly]
“Hhiii,” and, and, and, “I can’t go, Rachel and
Mark might be there.” And we’ll be like, “Man get
over it, it’s been four years!!”
Chandler:
He paints quite a picture doesn’t he?
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Margha: (coming over) The game is over, we eat now?
Chandler:
No-no-no-no, the game’s not over, we’re just switching teams.
Joey:
Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it’s better if we’re on
the same team.
Ross:
Right. Okay, let’s play. Let’s go.
Chandler:
No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey:
Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from
Pennsylvania.
Chandler:
And the other ah, Dutch people, they come from
somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey:
Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is
this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker
Bell come from.
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Luisa:
Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic [Ross’
Monkey, Marcel] is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and
confiscation of the animal?
Phoebe:
Oh my God. You’d put that poor little creature in
jail?
Monica:
Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying
things quietly to yourself first?
Phoebe:
Yes, but there isn’t always time!
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Ross:
Alright, I want my monkey.
Luisa [from Animal Control]:
No!
Rachel:
Oh, c’mon, Luisa!
Luisa:
Sorry, prom queen.
Ross:
[To Rachel] You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn’t
have been fat.
Rachel:
Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the
homecoming queen and the class president and you… were also there!
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Joey:
[to Phoebe] Look at you. Since when do you roller blade?
Phoebe:
Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in
the park and he like y’know, jogs, and blades, and
swims, and so y’know we made a deal that’s he’s
going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff.
Ross:
And what are you going to do for him?
Phoebe:
I’m going to let him.
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Joey:
Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining?
Rachel:
Oh, Danny just went into room 217.
Joey:
Oooh, the next part’s the best, when that dead lady
in the bathtub…
Rachel:
Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you’re gonna ruin
it!
Joey:
All right I’ll talk in code. (to Ross and Chandler)
Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the
hallway?
Chandler:
Hmmm, that’s very cool.
Joey:
Oh, all blank, and no blank, make’s blank a blank
blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost
kills them all with that blank, but then at last
second they get away. Aww!
Rachel:
Joey! I can’t believe you just did that!
Chandler: I can’t believe she cracked your code!
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Joey:
These little women. Wow!
Chandler:
Your liking it, huh?
Joey:
Oh yeah! Amy just burned Jo’s manuscript. I don’t
see how he could ever forgive her.
Ross:
Umm, Jo’s a girl, it’s short for Josephine.
Joey:
But Jo’s got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods his
head) Oh. You mean it’s like a girl-girl thing?
’Cause that is the one thing missing from The
Shining.
Chandler:
No, actually Laurie’s a boy.
Joey:
No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
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Joey:
(to Monica) Hey, how much will you give me to eat
this whole jar of olives?
Monica:
I won’t give you anything, but you’ll owe me 2.95.
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Joey:
So Pheebs what’s this guy like?
Phoebe:
Umm, well he’s very dashing, y’know, and umm, very,
very sophisticated, and he doesn’t speak any
English, but according to his translator, he
totally gets me.
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Chandler:
(entering) Hey, does anybody need anything copied?
I’m going down to the Xerox place.
Chandler:
Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two
of.
Monica:
Well, if you don’t have anything to copy, why are
you going down there?
Joey:
Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that
hot girl with the belly button ring again?
Chandler:
Yeah! You wanna come?
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Monica:
So you had fun, huh?
Phoebe:
Yeah. Except for, y’know when you’re on a date and
you’re getting along really great but the guy’s
translator keeps getting in the way.
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Chandler:
Hey, y’know what, maybe we should get going. I mean
what time did Chloe say we should be there?
Chandler:
What time is it now?
Chandler:
Yeah all right, so we’ll hang out.
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Rachel:
You had no right coming down to my office, Ross.
You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody’s
work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger.
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Chloe:
[seeing Ross enter] Hey, it’s the dinosaur guy.
[runs over to Ross] Hi, Ross.
Chloe:
I want you to met some friends of mine.
[Introduces him to Chandler and
Joey] This guy is my hero, he comes
in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we
said we don’t do that, and he says you gotta. And
y’know what? we did it. And now anytime anybody
wants 400, we just say “let’s Ross it!”.
Chandler:
And that’s the only colour that comes in.
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Monica:
Oh, and I can also speak a little French.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
[Mischa laughs]
Why? What did I say?
Mischa:
Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with
you tonight.
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Phoebe:
Monica, can I talk to you behind my menu, please.
[Behind the menu] What are
you doing?
Monica:
Well, I was having a conversation.
Phoebe:
Yeah but, Mischa is so interested in you, that
Sergei and I
haven’t been able to say two words to each other.
Monica:
What do you want me to do? Just sit here silently
while you three have a conversation?
Phoebe:
That would be great. Thank you.
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Ross:
Oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all
right, don’t I have to wait a while?
Chandler:
Hey, this isn’t like swimming after you eat,
pick up the phone!!
[
Ross goes to call her.]
Chandler:
Y’know that whole swimming thing is a myth.
Joey:
Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny.
Chandler:
Why? What happened to him?
Joey:
Nothing, he just really believes in that.
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Mischa:
[to Monica] And the vet
said it was time. And so from half a world
away, while my Mother held the phone to his ear, I
said good bye to my dog. In seven languages.
Monica:
Oh. [to Phoebe] Can I
have a tissue?
Phoebe:
Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you don’t
accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke
on it.
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Monica:
Okay, all right don’t judge me to much. Okay? Um,
but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you
I have never-ever bought anything on TV before,
except for this mop. But there was this stuff on
leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing….
Monica:
Yes! Have you seen it?
Phoebe:
Oh, it’s incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.
Phoebe:
God. Do you think it really doesn’t hurt? `Cause how
can they do that?
Monica:
Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in
the depths of the rain forest!
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Ross:
You think?! God, I, ah, I’m in hell. I mean what,
what am I gonna do? Rachel’s all like, “I love you
and, and let’s work on this.” And all I can think
about is, “What is she gonna do? What is she gonna
say?” when I tell her what I did.
Chandler:
Well, before we answer that, I think we should
address the more important question: how dumb are
you?
Ross:
What?! Look, we’re trying to rebuild a relationship
here, right. How am I supposed to do that here,
without being totally honest with each other?
Joey:
Look, Ross look, I’m on board about this total
honesty thing, I am. Just not about stuff that’s
gonna get you in trouble.
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Rachel:
Ross, you had sex with another woman!
[
Cut to Monica’s bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp.
]
Phoebe:
Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my
fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.
Chandler:
Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got
drunk…
Monica:
Oh!! [hits Chandler and Joey on the
head] You guys knew about
this and you didn’t tell us?!
Chandler:
[To Joey] He has sex, and
we get hit on our heads.
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Rachel:
God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!!
Ross:
Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all
over the place trying to make sure that didn’t
happen!
Rachel:
Oh, that is so sweet. I think I’m falling in love
with you all over again.
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Phoebe:
We could eat the wax! It’s organic.
Chandler:
Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe:
No, not the used wax.
Chandler:
Because that would be crazy?
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Rachel:
Fine. [on the phone] Hi! Yes, I’d like to order a large pizza.
Rachel:
With ah, extra anchovies.
Ross:
That’s okay, I’ll just pick `em off.
Rachel:
Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right
there in the sauce?
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Phoebe:
Y’know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together,
they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone
was happy….
Joey:
I had the same dream!
Phoebe:
Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl.
Joey:
Oh, I had the opposite dream.
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Monica: (seeing her) Okay, let’s go!! Let’s hit the road!!
Monica:
Let’s get the show on it!
Rachel:
Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee.
Monica:
Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it’s sooo close.
Rachel:
Closer than here?
Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey, look,
I found coffee! (handing her the cup)
Okay, let’s skedaddle.
Rachel:
Wait, I’m not just gonna drink somebody’s old coffee.
Phoebe:
Okay, your highness.
[
Ross enters behind Rachel, and look at each other for a moment.]
Phoebe: (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um, Rachel I’m really sorry.
(imitating Rachel) That’s okay, do you wanna get back together?
(imitating Ross) Yeah, okay.
(in her normal voice) Did anyone else hear that?!
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Phoebe:
Okay, Monica’s are the biggest.
Monica:
These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it’s gotta be Rachel.
Rachel:
What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I
actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra.
Monica:
All right then, your bra would still be big.
Rachel:
No, I stuff outside the bra.
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Phoebe:
Okay.
[She puts the car in gear. The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.]
Phoebe: Oh, no!
Rachel:
What, what’s it, what’s going on?
Phoebe:
Yeah, this has happened before.
Rachel:
So you know how to fix it?
Phoebe:
Yep. Put more gas in.
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Phoebe:
Do you at least know what route we’re on?
Rachel:
Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27.
Phoebe:
Okay. [on phone] We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay.
[to Rachel] There is no Route 27. [listens on phone]
[to Rachel] Okay, either 93 or 76?
Rachel:
I don’t know, I’m sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove
up here.
Phoebe:
Okay. [on phone] Hey, can you send somebody up and down 76 and
check every rest stop, and, and also 93? [listens] Okay! [hangs up]
Yeah, no they don’t do that.
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[
Joey is making a sign on the ground out of sticks
]
Monica:
[reading the sign] What’s “PLEH”?
Joey:
That’s “HELP” spelled backwards, so that the
helicopters can read it from the air!
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Ross:
[sarcastic] Oh please, can’t
I come to your special, magical cabin?
Rachel:
Why would you even want to come Ross? You’re a
horrible skier.
Ross:
Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts - my ski skills.
Monica:
Here we go again.
Joey:
I-I can’t handle this, you guys.
Chandler:
You know what, I can handle it, handle is my middle
name. Actually it’s the ah, middle part of my
first name.
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Ross:
All we’re saying is don’t rush into anything.
Joey:
Yeah, come on, think about it. You’re 18, okay? She’s 44. when you’re
36, she’s gonna be 88!
Frank:
What, you don’t think I know that?
Joey:
Look, the point is, there’s a lot of women out there you haven’t
even had sex with yet!
Ross:
Yeah, he-he’s right, he’s right. This is your time, y’know. Yeah:
you’re young, you’re-you’re weird. Chicks dig that.
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Pete: …so y’know, that’s why, within a few years, that voice recognition
is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y’know, so you
could be like-like, “Wash my car!”, “Clean my room!”
It’s not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it’ll understand
what you’re saying.
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Joey:
[entering, dancing and singing] Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big
old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie!
[He dances around the dinner table and exits]
Ross:
I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
Chandler:
Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually,
the rhythm is going to get you.
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Kate:
That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You’re.. you’re..
you’re the guy that doesn’t know how to pour milk!!
Joey:
See, I actually can pour milk, but
I got you believing that I couldn’t. Now, see -
that’s acting.
Kate:
Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.
Joey:
Yeah, that was real.
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Rachel:
I mean I think I’d say no to anybody right now.
Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I’m standing there with this charming,
cute guy, who’s asking me to go out with him, which I’m allowed to do,
and I felt guilty. You know, like I’d be cheating on Ross or something.
Phoebe:
Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you’re not over Ross yet
and you have issues with your father.
Rachel:
I don’t have any issues with my Father.
Phoebe:
Okay, so it’s probably just the Ross thing then.
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Monica:
Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only
attracted to guys where there’s no future? Either they’re too old, or
they’re too young, and then there’s Pete who’s-who’s crazy about me,
and who’s absolutely perfect for me, and there’s like zip going on!
I mean, seriously, does it sound like something’s wrong with me?!
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Joey:
God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, “Oh, I’m so talented.”
and “Oh, I’m so pretty,” and “Ooh, I smell so good.”
Chandler:
I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Joey:
Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! You
know?
Chandler:
I’m talking about you. You big, big freak.
Joey:
Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, you’re out of your mind.
Chandler:
Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours!
If you were in a school yard you’d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her
down now!
Joey:
Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these
sexual scenarios and stuff, huh?!
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Chandler:
[holding a tissue] And is this in case the house sneezes?
Phoebe:
No, no, that’s the ghost for the attic.
Monica:
I don’t want a ghost.
Phoebe:
Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you’ve got one, because the house
is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Ross:
Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient
Indian burial ground? That would never happen.
Phoebe:
Okay, obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government.
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Kate:
He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that
sweater you’re dating.
Joey:
Hey, I’m not interested in her sweater! It’s what’s underneath her
sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who
I’m going out with?
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Kate:
Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That’s all
it was. Joey, I’m-I’m sorry you feel bad, but haven’t you ever sleep with
a woman where it meant more to her than it did to you?
Lauren:
[entering] Hi, Kate!
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Monica:
[runs over to her] I tried to reach you at work. There’s…
been a fire.
Phoebe:
What?! Oh my… [sees the remains of the house] Oh my God!! What
happened?!
Ross:
Well, we believe it originated here. [He uses a pointer and points to
the point of origin.] In the Aroma Room.
Phoebe:
All right. Did everyone get out okay?
Monica:
Well, the giraffe’s okay. And so is the pirate.
Phoebe:
Ohh. What is this? [She sees a tissue covering something, and
moves to remove it.]
Ross:
No Phoebe, don’t look! You don’t want to see what’s under there!!
Phoebe:
[She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.] Ohh, the -
the Foster puppets!
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Joey:
[on phone] Well, so anyway Beth, what I’m saying is I should’ve
considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I’ve
ah, I’ve recently learned what’s it like to be on your side of it, and
I’m sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? [listens] Great. Thanks.
Okay, bye.
[He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again.]
Hello, Jennifer? [listens] Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there?
[listens] Oh, she’s not home, huh? [listens] Well ah, actually I kinda
need to talk to you too.
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[
Ross enters, wearing a white suit with a little red bow tie]
Ross:
Hey, you guys! Guess what?
Rachel:
[looking at the outfit] Got a job on a river boat?
Ross:
Y’know what I didn’t wear this suit for a year because you hated it.
Well, guess what? You’re not my girlfriend anymore so…
Rachel:
Oh I see, so this suit is making a point.
Rachel:
Now that you’re on you’re own, you’re free to look as stupid as
you like.
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Ross:
All right, listen, I-I have that TV thing in like two hours, and I
need your help, okay? What do you think? [takes out two suits] This blue
suit, or this brown one?
Joey:
Well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great
in the blue one.
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Monica:
Does it involve travel?
Monica:
Does it involve clogs?
Phoebe:
Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws?
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Joey:
Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet
Kate!
Joey:
[To Chandler:] And I ah,
borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it.
Monica:
Joey, what are you doing?! It’s never gonna happen,
she’s seeing somebody.
Chandler:
Yeah, and I don’t have any cologne.
Joey:
The green bottle next to the shaving cream.
Chandler:
Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.
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Cailin:
So. How’d you guys meet?
Pete:
Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for
a couple of months, then I gave her a check for
20,000 dollars, and she was mine.
Monica:
Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for
telling people the short version.
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The Director:
[entering carrying a newspaper]
Here we go people! [starts reading the review]
Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la… Ah-ha! Joey
Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the
worst thing in this production.
The Director:
Kate Miller’s awkward and mannered portrayal is
laughable.
[Kate walks away depressed.]
Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant
is… [stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust]
Thank you, boys and girls, you’ve ruined my life. Please, stuff your
talentless faces with my Mother’s crab cakes!
[Starts to leave] Excuse me!!
[
Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him.
]
Joey:
Anyone mind if I save this?
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[
After the bad review of the play in the
“New York Times”.
]
Joey:
Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We’ll stop
by every news stand and burn every copy of their
Times and the Post.
Joey:
Oh, you didn’t see the Post?
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Joey:
Well so, how come you blew me off? Y’know? How come you were with him?
Kate:
I don’t know! I just, just do this! I-I always have
to pick the… like the smartest guy, or-or the most
talented guy. Why can’t I just pick someone like
you?
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Joey:
So Pheebs, do they know about each other?
Phoebe:
Does a dog’s lips move when he reads?
[Pause.]
Okay, no they don’t.
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Monica:
Pete’s breaking up with me.
Monica:
I just checked my messages, and he said that when
he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk.
Monica:
Well that’s it. People never say “We need to talk”
unless it’s something bad.
Joey:
Whoa, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s
breaking up with you.
Joey:
Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.
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Rachel:
So Pheebs, pick one of them.
Monica:
Yeah. Which one do you like more?
Phoebe:
Well, Vince is great, y’know ’cause, he’s like a
guy, guy. Y’know? He’s so burly, he’s sooo very
burly. (giggles)
Joey:
Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.
Phoebe:
Yeah, but Jason’s really sensitive.
Chandler:
Well sensitive is important, pick him.
Joey:
Oh sure, go with the sissy.
Phoebe:
Jason is not a sissy!
Joey:
Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.
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Chandler:
Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He’s not like other
people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For
most guys that’s like a third or fourth date kinda
thing.
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Guru Saj:
You must be Ross.
Guru Saj:
I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back and replaces)
Ross:
Listen, I got to tell you I’ve-I’ve never been to a
guru before, so…
Guru Saj:
Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I’ve
attended some of the finest medical schools in
Central America.
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Rachel:
So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to
tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?
Phoebe:
No-no-no oh, keep your name, don’t take his name.
Monica:
He didn’t ask me to marry him.
Phoebe:
Well then definitely don’t take his
name.
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Monica:
Please tell me you’re stopping now.
Pete:
I’m fine! I’d fight tonight, if they’d let me.
[stands up and starts swinging his
arms] See this circle I’m marking
off here? This is my zone of terror.
Monica:
You are insane! You-you gotta give this up!
Pete:
I can’t until I’m the ultimate fighter. I will do
it. I’m telling you, the day will come when
children will argue over who will win a fight, me
or Superman. Now, I’m not saying I could beat
Superman, but y’know, kids are stupid.
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Phoebe:
Oh, I am having the best karma this week. First, I
find this woman who knew my parents, and then my
client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach
house.
Ross:
Yeah? What about ah, that bike messenger you hit?
Phoebe:
Oh, I wasn’t talking about his karma.
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Phoebe Sr.:
So I guess you’d like to know how it all happened.
Phoebe:
I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I
guess y’know I was born, and everyone started lying
their asses off!
Phoebe Sr.:
Noo! No! It wasn’t like that I… Remember how I told
you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close.
Well, we were, we were very close.
Phoebe Sr.:
Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.
Phoebe:
I don’t even know how that would work!
Phoebe Sr.:
Well, we were…
Phoebe: (interrupting) I’m not asking!
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Joey:
All right. [gets up]
Monica:
[stopping him] No! Joey, we swore we’d never tell!
Chandler:
[running over and joining Monica] They’ll never understand!
Joey:
Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It’s eating me
alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica:
[interrupting] All right!! All right. [walks slowly into the living
room] I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I-I couldn’t walk.
Chandler:
[following Monica] We were two miles from the house. Scared and
alone. We didn’t think we could make it. [He goes to put his hands on Monica’s
shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.]
Monica:
I was in too much pain.
Joey:
And I was tired from digging the huge hole!
Chandler:
And then Joey remembered something.
Joey:
I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel…
Ross:
Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About
jellyfish and how if you… [stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica]
Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!
Phoebe and Rachel:
Ewwww!!
Monica:
You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was
gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t…bend that
way. So… [looks at Joey.]
Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel:
[turning to look at Joey] Ewwww!!
Joey:
That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if
I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn’t. I got the stage
fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I
turned to Chandler.
Chandler:
[wails loudly into his hands] Joey kept screaming at me:
“Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!”.
Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey:
[laughs] That’s cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak
you out.
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Ross:
I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I
didn’t finish the whole letter!
Rachel:
You fell asleep?!
Ross:
It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front
and back!!
Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means “you are,” Y-O-U-R means “your!”
Rachel:
Y’know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together
again! We are so over!!
Ross:
[starts to cry] FINE BY ME!! [he opens the door and traps Chandler
behind it]
Rachel:
Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in
handy when you’re at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!!
Rachel:
[to Monica] Sorry!! [to Ross] I just feel bad about all that sleep
you’re gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross:
Oh, no-no-no don’t you worry about me falling asleep. I still have
your letter!!!
Rachel:
And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common, it doesn’t happen
to every guy, and it is a big deal!!
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Joey:
I’ve got a science question.
Joey:
If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact “Homo-sapien”, is that why
there extinct?
Ross:
Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.
Joey:
Hey-hey, I’m not judging.